[krittle]

MY HUSBAND AND I FOUND OUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO THAT MY OLDEST STEPSON, AND POSSIBLY THE YOUNGER ONE TOO, WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 5-7 YRS AGO. THEIR MOTHER HAD THEM KEEP THIS A SECRET BECAUSE OF FEAR OF MY HUSBAND TAKING THEM FROM HER "FOREVER", OR HER GETTING IN TROUBLE. ATLEAST THIS IS WHAT SHE TOLD THEM. (THE ABUSER WAS HER NEPHEW) MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE GOT MY STEPSON HELP, BUT HIS MOM NOW SAYS SHE DIDN'T FIND OUT ANY OF THE SITUATION UNTIL MY HUSBAND AND I DID. MY PROBLEMS HAVE INCREASED BECAUSE SINCE I AM NOT A BLOOD RELATIVE I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SAY IN ANYTHING. THESE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN WITH ME FOR THE PAST 7YRS AND LIVING IN MY HOUSE ATLEAST HALF OF THE TIME. MY HUSBAND COMES AND GOES TO MEETINGS WITH COUNSELORS AND OTHER APPTS THEN WHEN HE RETURNS HOME HE CALLS HIS FAMILY TO KEEP ALL OF THEM CLUED IN ON EVERYTHING. HE DOES NOT TALK TO ME UNLESS I ASK HIM SOMETHING. I AM REALLY GETTING FRUSTRATED AND HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT LEAVING FOR A WHILE. MY HUSBAND IS A WONDERFUL PERSON AND A GREAT DAD, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS...

(edited to add trigger icon)

[AAAAA]

krittle,

I truly hope that the child’s mother genuinely found out about the abuse the same time that you did. It turns my stomach to think that a parent would know about abuse and turn a blind eye and allow it to continue.

I can think of a few reasons why your husband might neglect you in the loop. But if I were you, I’d explain to my husband that: I love the children too, and I would really like to know what is going on and it hurts my feelings when you leave me out.

Put in that context, I think he will have to tell you why he neglects to give you the information, or be aware of the fact that he’s leaving you out.

This is going to sound very rude, but I have to say it. It is not about your feelings right now, it is about those poor children. In situations like this, something has to give, and sadly it seems to be your relationship with your husband. Since it seems that you genuinely love your husband and his children, it seems that the best thing that you can do imo is be supportive.

Putting hubby in the position to choose between you and his son's that are in need is not only unhealthy for your relationship, but it might permanently damage your relationship.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and the family, particularly the children.

[Perna]

Hi, Kirtle, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I have 3 grown stepsons and understand a little how you feel I think (my husband and I have been married 18 years).

It is very hard to feel left out and as if one's thoughts and feelings do not matter. However, since it happened at his ex-wife's house or when their children were in her care, I think the two of them have issues with the whole situation and their previous marriage and care of their children. My husband's ex-wife lives near us too and though she and I are good friends, I always try to stay in the background when she is around or something specifically relates to their previous marriage.

When it is just my husband and myself and stepsons present, I use that time to work on building a relationship between all of us, both individually between me and each son and as a family grouping. I'm fortunate in that my husband does try to include me, sometimes after-the-fact :-) but he does eventually tell me any "news". I try to determine where he wants to go with whatever it is, as it is "his" family (whether his sons, ex-wife, or his brothers/father) and blend in the best I can in a supportive manner.

Have you discussed your husband's behavior with him and how it makes you feel? He could just be ignorant of his methods' effects on you?

[curley]

I understand your feelings, I understand you feel you should have a say so with your stepson. But unfortunately your husband does not see it that way. You said he is a good husband and a good father and to keep your relationship strong it seems that you are going to have to let him make those decisions. I wish I had some good advise to change this situation for you but I think you may jepordize your relationship with your husband if you step in.

[krittle]

Thank you all for your advice. I think I may have lead you to the wrong thing with my wording. I completely understand the idea of you maybe thinking I am "competing" for something in this matter. That is not it at all. I have always told my husband that the children come first. Especially now. (I also have a daughter in our house) My thing with "being included" is that my husband and his family use me when they need me because they know how close the boys and I are, but when they don't need me it's like I am completely invisible in this matter. The children are with my husband and I half the time or more and always have been so of course I am very protective and close to them. Also, my husband still relies on my opinion "when he needs me." He just doesn't let me in on how my stepsons are doing otherwise in the treatment that we got for them. I promised my stepsons that I would help them as much as I could when they first came to me, and since their mother is lying about the past it is really bothering them now. Those kids are having a rough time and the fact that they always come to me for help and I can't do anything makes me feel useless, but when I get my husband to step up I don't really know if they are doing better or not because instead of talking to me he calls his mother or sister. It just worries me. As far as their mother goes, I have never crossed my boundaries. That would be so wrong, but right now the kids best interest is not at heart. She's only worried about keeping herself out of trouble. It is a very complicated situation, and I know how hard it must be to give advice on something that may draw different thoughts. I am just very stressed out thinking about the outcomes of this huge mess, and yes I feel very left out, but mostly I feel like I am turning my back on the boys by not doing anything when they have depended on me for so long. Thank you all the same.

[AAAAA]

krittle,

Have you spoken to you're husband and told him those very thoughts? I am truly sorry that those children have to go through this!