Can We Talk About This? (It's the Season)

Firstly, Beth, my heart goes out to you, you who are also suffering.

It can be very difficult at times to live with depression.

Thank you so much for starting this thread...!!! It means a lot to have a place to go and admit that everything isn't as rosie as I may have presented.

You know, that's what I wanted to do : volunteer!! especially over the holidays. (but I didn't because I am afraid of getting covid or the flu and passing it along to my mother who is immune-compromised. We are vaccinated for covid and I have my flu shot, but she doesn't. i've tried to convince her to convince her to get the flu and pneumococcal vaccine, but to no avail.)

Now, I feel so down that I wouldn't be able to help anyone anyhow.

I do take medication and am seeing a new psychiatrist the third week of January, plus I'll be seeing a social worker this Tuesday for an hour to chat.

How about you?

Seeing a new pdoc is a hopeful sign. I hope s/he turns out to be a good one. And the social worker - yay! Excellent. Best of luck with that.

Me, yes, I have bipolar disorder so I'm on medication. The autumn/winter depressions have worsened progressively over the past 12 years until this season, which has become truly not bearable. I should have insisted on a better antidepressant treatment back in late September, and you can bet I will next year.

I'm sorry TheGal, I hope you feel better soon

Depression can really affect physical and mental health.

Good luck

Fuzzy, that's a neat looking critter. What is it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizardlady Fuzzy, that's a neat looking critter. What is it?

I'm wondering the same.

It’s a Red Panda

Don't know what kind of temperament they have, but the face is sweet looking.

I believe they are pretty badly endangered due to humans

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger I believe they are pretty badly endangered due to humans

That's sad to hear.

Yes, very sad. It hurts to learn that any animal species is endangered.

Hugs, Beth.

I hope you get a better antidepressant, sooner rather than later...

I'm not sure how it works with bipolar but I am on 3 antidepressants. I have severe major depression with psychotic features and I also take an antipsychotic, and also ativan for my anxiety.

Do you also take vitamin D and Omega 3?

I know that I grieve a lot during the holidays.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Looks like poor bear has a sad.

Awe! I’m sorry that the bear is sad.

How's everyone doing post-holiday. Guess I'll take the ornaments off my tree this eveni g. Do any of you miss your holiday decorations when you put them away? I really do.

I'm so glad you've asked @Rose76. I was thinking of making a new "post-holiday" thread, but we can certainly add on to this one, instead.

This season, for me, was the worst holiday season of my life. I went into it feeling severely depressed and after not having been assertive about obtaining the proper medications. I hope I will never allow that to happen again. I have bipolar disorder and whoever my prescriber is needs to know that BD is an episodic illness. What works in July is most probably somewhat different than what works in November.

I'm relieved that the holidays are over, and that includes my birthday, which was the straw that darn near broke the camel's back in December.

As for decorations- I am pleased to say that I am still enjoying the long string of colorful lights (the little old-fashioned kind) I've hung around my living room. I won't take it down until I get the feeling to do so. And when I do take it down I may just replace it with pink lights for Valentine's day, a holiday I really enjoy

At this time we're having a rough go of it with the weather here in California. The Sierra Nevada Mountains are getting their snow, of course, but those of us everywhere else are being hit with a "bomb cyclone" - or a bunch of them. Atmospheric rivers or something. No joke, folks. Yes, we desperately need the water and I think we're all grateful for that, but this is excessive. The flooding, power outages, evacuations. According to Gov Newsom this is the wettest January on record for California - and here it is, not even mid-month.

So there's my lengthy post-holiday catch-up. I'll ask the next person to see this thread...
How are you doing, post holiday season?

I'm sorry to hear about all your losses. My story is similar only it was my parents (who died on Thanksgiving and Christmas a few years ago) and my brother(still living) who are/ we're toxic. For years I believed my family dinners and holiday celebrations were wonderful. Its only been the last 10 or so years (when I was uninvited) to the holiday dinner. No explaination...just "you aren't welcome". My brother is cruel to me, my daughters and husband. It broke me. Traumatized me, and I still have flashbacks of his cruelty. Separating from him estranged me from all my cousins. It breaks my heart. I understand how your grief is often more hurtful than a death. (Both are horrible) but when family dumps you for no reason, it destroys you. I'm not sure how to recover from this kind of grief, but for what it's worth, you can talk to me any time.

I have my husband and daughters and I'm so grateful for them. Getting over being thrown away from a family who I was stupid enough to think loved me, was more than I could handle.

Beth, I agree..this is the hardest season to get through. I'm glad you're keeping your lights up. It sounds very pretty. The idea of valentine lights is great!
As far as post holiday...it feels so empty ,though I'm glad its over.
Stay safe with the awful weather you're having.

Thanks Calla ❤️ I am sorry you can relate.

Since 2007 when so many of my ponies and horses suffered so many different kinds of injuries I had been constantly battling to protect what I love and care so deeply about. When I had a post traumatic stress breakdown I did not receive the proper therapy at all. And to make things even worse, I blamed myself for not catching on sooner to what was happening.

I was encouraged to feel shame for loving and caring about my special animals. I really loved and valued what I had. My animals not only touched my life in positive ways, but many children including my own. I worked very hard training and developing strong bonds with my animals. They all became very trusting and kind and loving. I loved them as though they were my children/family. I had always been an animal lover since I was very little. It was a very predominant part of my brain. For me it’s inherited because my grandfather was the same way. I used my animals to develop a program that taught children not only how to ride but I also used it to build self esteem. And also developing healthy respect and self awareness when it came to paying attention to how our behaviors affect others. That these creatures are not just “things” but instead living sensitive beings.

I watched a documentary today called “Harry and Snowman” and this man expressed things that really validated things I feel myself. I found myself having watering eyes. I recommend searching for that documentary and watching it.

I was lucky that my in-laws were animal lovers too. I was lucky to find and train ponies where both my in-laws could personally be involved with what I did so that my child could develop her talent for riding.

My mother and I did a lot together and we got very close. As my mother was declining, she said to me of our time together “those were the best years of my life”. My mother was the one person who knew what was important to me and how hard I worked at it.

There is a whole side of me and my life that I have not shared here in the forums. I don’t because I respect the privacy of certain individuals. The thing that’s hard for people to understand about PTSD is how the brain changes and tries to protect itself by avoiding any reminders. It’s not even a conscious choice. The frustration of it and that constant question of “why can’t I just like I used to?”

I really struggled with how I went from loving my farm making it safe to going outside and becoming overwhelmed. The more I pushed myself, the worse it got. I was experiencing physical pain to the point where I would get them fed and practically had to crawl back into my house.

I thought that PTSD was very deep grief, that’s what I felt. I thought that it meant that it was going to take longer to get myself back together. I was only partly right, instead there was much more to it. I wasn’t sleeping well at all and I woke up a lot with night terrors.

I didn’t have health insurance. Because I had endometriosis and had to have surgery for it, no one would sell me health insurance. I was in so much debt from veterinary costs, $30,000 and battling the ptsd and trying to keep working despite the loss of animals to do so. I could not find a therapist I could see that specialized in ptsd that I could afford to pay out of pocket. I had such a hard time leaving the farm to go do jobs. The fear of leaving was awful because that’s how they all got hurt. My neighbor would let their dog out when they saw I was not home. That’s a major trigger, things done behind my back that end up hurting me or more importantly something I love and deeply care about.

I am very sorry for those who need therapy and can’t afford it or find the right kind of therapist. Since I joined these forums I have endured additional traumas. I have not shared it all.

Losing a loved one is hard enough. What I went through was hell. I really have not had a chance to mourn. I had no choice but to work during the pandemic. I had to earn money to pay to feed my animals. No one wants a special needs animal. And killing because of inconvenience is out of the question. I worked up to Christmas in 2021 and it got so I could not physically do it so did not work this past year. The stress of exposing myself to Covid during the pandemic made my already painful body from battling the constant stress hormones and turning 66 just wore me out. Now stress literally saps all my energy to where I get physically exhausted and pass out in sleep.

Once all was finally settled and my sister’s toxic was finally gone, I just really started to grieve. I did not want Christmas, I just wanted to sleep. I and so tired and weepy. I just want peace. I feel bad for struggling like this and not having energy to celebrate. I am just too tired.

I am sorry I have not engaged here. Not much energy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Calla lily12 Beth, I agree..this is the hardest season to get through. I'm glad you're keeping your lights up. It sounds very pretty. The idea of valentine lights is great! As far as post holiday...it feels so empty ,though I'm glad its over. Stay safe with the awful weather you're having.

Thank you, Calla lily, I appreciate your post.

I understand how you feel about your animals so very well @Open Eyes. I share my home and my life with 5 cats. They are family. I have shared my life with cats for the past 25 years. The losses along the way are absolutely devastating and it is shocking to me, how many people - even those who "love animals" - don't comprehend the grief of losing a pet.

One of my cats, Sidney, has diabetes and my life is scheduled around her care. She is an angel on earth and deserves to be treated as such. I have found that if I tell people I "have to be home to test my diabetic cat's glucose, feed her, and give her her insulin" they are not particularly interested, nor are they especially sympathetic. Yet if I say, "I have to be home to give my husband his insulin" - I get all sorts of attentiveness and sympathetic understanding. (I'm referring specifically to making medical appointments - yes, I have learned to lie in order to be given consideration as to the appt. time I need. "Husband" gets the receptionist's attention; "cat" doesn't.)

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time. It's a blessing that your mother understood so well.