Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 11:07 AM
DePressMe's Avatar
DePressMe DePressMe is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Mar 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 3,921
I am not exactly sure where to put this…I am not depressed…it is more about a desire to be just a little happy or satisfied with life.

I am young, healthy, sober, educated, employed…I have overcome much and succeeded when many would have fallen. I truly am grateful for all the gifts in my life, but I have this nagging desire to feel just a little bit of happiness. At least, at the moment, I am not whacked out delusional. I am doing everything I can possibly do to get better--therapy, shrink, meds, reaching out, journaling, volunteering, being there for others in my support group…but, I still feel like I have a wet blanket over my life. I don't feel happy or joyful…I have very few good feelings. Eating is about the only thing that seems to be pleasurable. Life seems like a task I have to get done.

I keep pushing myself and keep doing things, but in some ways none of it really seems to matter. I paint because it occupies my mind, I can't say it really feels good. It just feels better to paint than to sit around doing nothing. There was a time, I really did enjoy painting. Now, I am not so sure. I keep turning the radio on because I know I should like music, but really, it does not matter. It is just noise--none of the music makes me feel good.

Sometimes it is difficult to be with my boyfriend because I have to talk--I have to interact with him. I really have to push myself to do that. It is not because I don't love him. It is because my world is this gray nothingness. I know I should be having feelings when I am with him, but they just are not there. It is like there is this big void inside of me. I want to get better because I know what it is like to feel that joyful love I have for him. I want to feel that, but it seems buried inside of me. It is difficult to know you love somebody, but to not be able to really feel it.

All this frustrates me. I think part of the not feeling is the meds. The meds keep me sane, but they also flatten out all my emotions. Things just don't matter. It is weird to not be real depressed, but to not really care about anything. Of course, I am just talking about feelings.

My mind goes a million miles an hour. Sometimes, it is like a runaway train. I can't sit and watch a movie because I can't turn off my brain. I can't lie next to my boyfriend and relax because my thoughts just churn inside of my head. Even sleep does not stop my brain--my sleep is filled with dreams and often nightmares. That is where the painting is so useful--it requires me to focus enough that it distracts me from my thoughts. Painting may not feel real good, but it is an escape from the constant bombardment of thoughts. It does not matter if I produce any art. What matters is that it gives me a break. That is why I sometimes just have to take a night and paint. I have to shut off my brain.

I just don't give a crap about life. I am not suicidal, but it does not really matter to me if I live to see tomorrow. I don't know if there is an answer to all this. I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I just can't imagine what else I could possibly do to make it better. I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing…just keep getting up every morning and trying to make things better. Surely this can't last forever.

From Sartre’s novel Nausea:
And I—soft, weak, obscene, digesting, juggling with dismal thoughts—I, too, was In the way…. But even my death would have been In the way. In the way, my corpse, my blood on these stones, between these plants, at the back of this smiling garden. And the decomposed flesh would have been In the way in the earth which would receive my bones, at last, cleaned, stripped, peeled, proper and clean as teeth, it would have been In the way: I was In the way for eternity.
__________________
You don't have to fly straight...

...just keep it between the lines!

advertisement
  #2  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 11:26 AM
sabby's Avatar
sabby sabby is offline
Moderator
Community Support Team
 
Member Since: Feb 2005
Location: Southwest of Northeast
Posts: 33,346
((((((((((( De ))))))))))))

I'm sorry this is something that hounds you...and it truly does sound as if it does hound you. I can understand the feeling of blankness...I was like that for a long time when I was on a particular AD. When I finally realized that I was so flat...no emotion it really bothered me and asked the dr to let me change to something else to see if it would change that flatness.

I know you are on different meds than I was....have you spoken to your pdoc about this at all? Maybe there is something he/she can do to help with this problem? I think it's worth a try maybe?

Wishing you well and hoping you can find some help with this Wanting some happiness...

sabby
  #3  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 11:35 AM
nowheretorun nowheretorun is offline
Account Suspended
 
Member Since: Mar 2003
Location: Rocky Mtn High, love all :)
Posts: 12,724
((((DepressMe))))))

i have to admit i didnt read the whole poem/stanza at the end... just wanted to give you some strength if able... wearing down happens....

that cycle isnt it? sending you kindness and hope..
  #4  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 12:19 PM
I_WMD I_WMD is offline
Account Suspended
 
Member Since: Jul 2007
Posts: 4,156
Wanting some happiness... Hi De Me ,,, Does sound like the med thing ,, I felt like a stone [ no emotions at all ] So what I did was came off the meds and figured I would deal with the emo stuff as it came >>>> Sometimes not fun at all <<<<<.

But I got to thinking ,,, You talked about food ,,, Here is the craziest thing I could think of :

First go to store and buy some different creme filled doughnuts or eclairs ,,, A couple cans of whipped cream ,,, Some straw berries and bannanas maybe ,,, >>>>> Now cover your kitchen in plastic ,,,,, EVERYTHING !!!!!

Now You and Boyfriend have a FOOD FIGHT !!! Then ROFLOL .......

And even if you don't do this ,,,,,,,,,,,, Just the thought should bring a chuckle . Wanting some happiness....

Also I find it refreshing to just face the sun and warm my face . Take Care . Have FUN where you find it . Wanting some happiness...
  #5  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 01:01 PM
Perna's Avatar
Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
Ah, not half full or half empty, just half?

I think you need to find another, "stronger" emotion to work with. Is there any fear you'll be stuck this way? Looking for a way out of fear sometimes points me in a direction toward finding a more comfortable way of being. Are there things you especially don't want to do (why especially? I'd try doing some for the feeling of ?).

I'd look for a positive thing I didn't want to do but would like done, for me it would be change-my-bed, I enjoy clean sheets, and I'd do it anyway and see if the satisfaction of the opposite could provide a momentary spark of happiness? It's not something that would remain but the feel of it might get my molecules moving more in that direction, seeking that out again? Providing something for myself that I want is a form of happiness. I've made myself tell me what I "want" and then gone and gotten myself that and the getting both distracted and showed me I could provide for myself. Let yourself provide for you. You want some happiness, tiny thing would make you happy right this minute? Decide on something (only you can know what would make you happy) and go after that.

I don't think having houses, jobs, money, therapy, health, etc. make us happy, they just support us as we look for the things we enjoy. Your painting only supports you now (which is fine) there is no "should" enjoy it or should enjoy music, etc. Nothing outside of you can tell you what you "should" enjoy! And happiness doesn't necessarily correlate to thankfulness either. You can be thankful for what you have and are doing and how well you're getting, etc. until the cows come home.

My husband asked me a few moments ago did I want breakfast. I asked could he make French toast? and he did and delivered it to me here in my chair while I was typing this post. French toast and sausages with too much syrup. For me, today, I don't anticipate it getting much better than that :-) But something "good" has happened to me today, makes me feel good and I'm filled with the knowledge and hope that something else good could happen to me today. I know myself and have my idea of "good" and my self and life try to match that as often as it can.

So, do some exploring and see if you can find your idea of good/happy? Don't pay any attention to what should feel good or should make you happy, find what does feel good or make you happy. I still like the example of Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride" when Richard Gere accused her of not knowing how she liked her eggs and so she cooked up a couple dozen eggs a million ways and figured out how she liked her eggs. It's often that simple when wanting happiness I think.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
  #6  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 01:12 PM
Cyran0's Avatar
Cyran0 Cyran0 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Oct 2007
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,464
D, I know you're in pretty constant contact with your pdoc so I'll leave that one alone. I know it's a work in progress.

But please believe this: while today may be flat, tomorrow may be quite happy.

I struggle with the same problem you've described and I try to hold on to that. Tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow.

Cyran0
__________________
My blog: http://cyran0.psychcentral.net/

Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD (childhood physical/sexual abuse), history of drug abuse.

Meds: Zoloft, Lorazapam, Coffee, Cigarettes


"I may climb perhaps to no great heights, but I will climb alone." -Cyrano de Bergerac
  #7  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 01:13 PM
splitimage's Avatar
splitimage splitimage is offline
Moderator
Community Support Team
 
Member Since: Mar 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,846
(depressme)

I could have written hafl your post, although not as eloquently. That feeling of flatness - being neither up or down is truely awful. You're right in that some of it may be a meds side effect, so talking to your Dr., might help - I know in my case my risperidone makes me emotionally flat. It's hard to deal with racing thoughts. I've found mindfullness based meditation to be helpful, I love Jon Kabat Zin's CD's Mindfullness for beginners. After awhile they helped me with my racing thoughts.

I wonder how much of this is from working three jobs - that doesn't give you a lot of down time just for yourself. Is it possible that if you had more free time, you could find something that you were truly passionate about, which would make you happy.

I really hope that you are able to come out of this flat place.

--splitimage
__________________


"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Wanting some happiness...
  #8  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 01:17 PM
ziggy1's Avatar
ziggy1 ziggy1 is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: May 2007
Location: Florida so glad to be out of Massachusetts!
Posts: 1,664
I find that I feel better in the spring, summer and fall. I can

be on top of the world exercising daily, eating properly and then

comes the Winter blues. Do you notice a change in the winter

months? I do it affects me alot. I know alot of people suffer

from Seasonal affective Disorder. I hope u feel better soon De-

press. I wish some happiness your way..... Wanting some happiness...
__________________
Wanting some happiness...
  #9  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 01:21 PM
Anonymous29402
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I too was like that but since this is the first time my head has been still I didnt want to change my meds as I knew they were the ones for me, instead I asked the Dr to 'tweak' them a bit and it has worked.

Talk to your Dr .............

Hugs hugs and more hugs I am thinking of you. Wanting some happiness...
  #10  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 04:21 PM
Doh2007 Doh2007 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,383
I used to feel like that. Then my pdoc added one more med and I am able to laugh. It didn't occur to me to tell him because I didn't know he could do anything, but new meds are coming on the market almost daily.

I love your art. Even tho you might not feel it, you're saying a lot in it.
  #11  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 04:36 PM
AAAAA's Avatar
AAAAA AAAAA is offline
Elder
 
Member Since: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5,042
(((((DePressMe)))))) I'm sorry that I have no words of wisdom. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. You have so much to be proud of.
__________________
I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
  #12  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 05:00 PM
AlteredState01's Avatar
AlteredState01 AlteredState01 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Oct 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,062
I can relate so well to what you have said. Unfortunately, I have no words to comfort you other than to let you know you are not alone.

Wanting some happiness...
__________________
"Lord, we know what we are, yet know not what we may be."

Hamlet, Act 4, sc v
Wm. Shakespeare
  #13  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 05:54 PM
Raynaadi's Avatar
Raynaadi Raynaadi is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: AZ
Posts: 8,663
I was gonna say what Ziggy said, about the seasons. I'm finding myself having more and flat days. I can't wait for spring. I'm just kinda blah. I love that glass thing, just half. Yeah. Thats me.

I know you tried going off some of the meds recently, maybe it takes awhile to adjust getting back on them?
__________________
  #14  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 09:39 PM
DePressMe's Avatar
DePressMe DePressMe is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Mar 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 3,921
thanks all!!! I have an appointment with my pdoc and I will talk with him about it! It is nice to know I can come here and get support...
__________________
You don't have to fly straight...

...just keep it between the lines!
  #15  
Old Feb 06, 2008, 11:15 PM
Raynaadi's Avatar
Raynaadi Raynaadi is offline
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: AZ
Posts: 8,663
Always......take of you hon. You're loved here. Wanting some happiness...
__________________
Reply
Views: 850

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
happiness Jazz91 General Social Chat 1 Mar 28, 2008 07:15 PM
Happiness KathyM Other Mental Health Discussion 6 Jul 06, 2007 03:27 PM
Happiness Lexicon78 Relationships & Communication 4 Oct 10, 2004 02:10 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:11 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.