[AAAAA]

Ok, so here is the thing that weighs most upon my soul and I’d like some advice.

My eldest child is going to be 21 in March. He has learning disabilities, ADHD, dyslexia, and …. socially awkward. The physical act of writing is difficult for him. Fine motor skills are a bit of a problem. But he is kind, loving and respectful.

When he graduated from high school, he applied to a technical school but was denied entry into the program because of his reading ability. He wanted to learn to computer aided drawing and go into animation or video game graphics. He was very depressed but I told him to take a year off, decide what he wants to do with his life. He had worked very hard in school, every night we spent hours working on the material (he was mainstreamed with adjustments made for his disabilities in many classes.) He did this all without complaint.

He’s going to be 21 in a couple of months. I fear that I’ve made him an emotional cripple. He has a group of friends that he’s had since his freshman year in high school, and I’m grateful for that. But I just don’t know what to do. I worry about him every minute of every day.

He worked for a summer after graduation for at his father’s place of employment. He found that very overwhelming. I’ve suggested several jobs in town here that I think that he might be able to do, but it scares him. Having him here is wonderful for me. He does at least half of the cooking, all of the laundry, and a good portion of the cleaning. So he’s not lazy.

He’s unable to drive, so his employment opportunities are very limited. But I think he’s got to go out and meet people. I know he’s embarrassed when family members ask him if he’s working yet.

On the other hand, my depression and anxiety prevents me from working so I’m at a loss how to handle things. And I'd be perfectly content to have him stay here forever, but I know that's not in his best interest.

[nowheretorun]

hi AAAAA

"I'd be perfectly content to have him stay here forever, but I know that's not in his best interest.

I think he’s got to go out and meet people."

i can imagine his stress with a sudden change... how about part-time? ease into it.. after awhile and with support, he may find his niche'

i support the idea of family support also ... im here for my mom 5 days a week... she'd get by without me for a few days, so, i get breaks and so does she

i dont really feel that ive lost something... i feel ive gained something...

best of luck

[AAAAA]

Thanks nowheretorun,

I've suggested part-time work, but he is really afraid. He's afraid of the new people, of the learning process that everyone goes through when they start a job. I haven't pushed because I don't want him to get another ulcer.

And that's another issue that weighs heavily upon my mind, what happens if he gets ill and requires medical attention. He has no health insurance.

[nowheretorun]

its a blessing youve been able to assist him so far with so much...

[sabby]

((((((((((((( AAAAA ))))))))))))))) Please don't be so down on yourself here. I'm sure you did what you thought was best for your son throughout his life and that's all any parent can do right?

I don't know where you live in the midwest and I'm not sure what is available for services out there, but I wonder if there any agencies that would help your son prepare for the workforce? How about contacting your local state unemployement agency to see if they offer help with preparing folks in how to produce resumes, how to talk and act at an interview etc etc?

I know when I've worked with a few disabled folks it helped to bring them for a tour of a possible employer so they knew how the place looked, who they would be talking to during their interview and explaining what the business does. It also helps for them to see someone else who is doing the job that they are applying for so they have a better understanding of what it entails.

Advocating for your son is a huge thing and can be so difficult. But your heart and soul are in the right place. If you wish, you can pm me and I can help you with some research if you like.

I wish you both well!


sabby

[Perna]

Do his friends have jobs and maybe where they are has openings? If he had a buddy to look for a job with, that might work.

Any cooking schools or anything like that in your area? Maybe he could train as a short order cook in a place like a Toddle House or a diner-type place since he likes to cook?

There aren't any jobs for CAD operators at the moment; my 20 year old next door neighbor has certificates and all the math and sciences, etc., he wants to pay his way with school to become an engineer but can't find a job and we're in a really good area for jobs. I worked for an engineering firm and sent a copy of his resume to my old boss and he didn't even get a call from there and I know he would if they were able to hire him but the job market in that area is really bad now.

Outdoor work? Landscaping firm? Wouldn't happen for a couple months but he could take a class or two that might help him get the job, show his interest. If he can find a surveying/civil engineering firm that need "rodmen" he could do that (they're the guys that stand there where they're told holding the orange pole and very gradually learn surveying and work their way up) http://salem.craigslist.org/trd/497484158.html It's quite good work, starting pay is around $8/hr. with benefits, etc. And they're only with 2-3 other guys in a surveying "crew".

[bebop]

it sounds to me like he is basically disabled right? with all you have said here I don't see why you can't keep him on your medical policy. just a thought. I wish you well finding a solution. I know it must be very stressful for you. (((hugs)))

[AAAAA]

We cannot keep him on our insurance policy. Adult children can only remain on our policy if they are full time college students until 23.

He is disabled, I did not go into full medical disclosure, but he was literally crippled as a child with rhuematoid arthritis. His hip would go so far out of joint when he was 4 that one leg appeared 2 inches shorter than the other.

With outstanding medical care and medication, that has not bothered him since. I really appreciate all of your advice! Keep it coming!

[bebop]

hon alot of insurance companies will keep them insured if disabled. you might want to check on that. maybe see if you can get him on ssi also. I hope you find something to help.

[AAAAA]

Thanks so much, I hate to resort to SSI, from one I understand that is a humiliating experience and we are able to support him financially, there are so many people that need it so much more. I will have hubby check the insurance though, thanks for the info.

[Danialla]

You can contact any of these agencies to ask for help:

Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation (BVR)- This government agency will do testing (interest, ability, etc.) along with helping to find a job that fits your son. They also may supply a "job coach", someone you will shadow your son at a new job and help him learn the finer aspects of his employment, along with acting as a liaison between the employer and your son to help iron out any differences, etc.

Jobs and Family Services (JFS)- This agency may be called the "Department of Human Services" in your area. They should also be able to do job testing, along with offering classes to help you get and keep a job.

County Board of MR/DD- This agency would only be available if your son qualified. They also may do some testing and will look at your son's academic history. They too may be able to help find employment along with supplying a job coach to help your son.

It may also be that some of these agencies can point you in different directions that they may know of..... good luck!

It sounds like your son is, a very nice guy needing just a little help in the job department. You did a great job parenting!

edited to add: Definitely look into the medical insurance issue, your husbands insurance should be able to continue his coverage if he is considered disabled and a dependent. Also, JFS maybe able to help your son apply for medicaid if your husbands insurance does not work out. Health insurance is going to be very important to your son so don't let anything lapse.... insurance companies love when people do.... damn insurance companies!

Good luck!

[AAAAA]

I'm so glad that I asked, this information is awesome, I'll look to see if any of these agencies are in this area, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

It sounds like you know what you're talking about, he was 90% LD in school.

[Perna]

Could he be a companion to an older person or a more severely disabled child? Sounds like he's pretty handy and pleasant to be around. Maybe an aide at an afterschool program for handicapped children?

One of the women I worked with has a handicapped daughter that went to community college after high school and qualified for working with pre-school children and loves that.

Here's a California nonprofit that trains local handicapped people to work with animals: http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?sec...cus&id=4585339

Maybe the two of you could form a pet-sitting/house-sitting company?

I use to look through the yellow pages phone book, see all the classifications/companies/ideas out there for ideas of my own of things that might interest me (also looked through the encyclopedia like kids do :-) Maybe the community college offers career testing or has some ideas? Even if he can't read well he might be able to work in a library; shelving books and organizing/fixing equipment and materials. There's quite a few behind the scenes jobs in schools and libraries; maybe he could be a school cafeteria worker; a little loud but not too many people?

[bebop]

hon ssi is nothing to be ashamed of. there are thousands in this country that get it due to being disabled as children. you have to think about his long term future. what happens when you and your hubby can no longer take care of him? ssi is not welfare and the medicaid will take care of his medical bills from now on. please at least consider it. it will also help him in that he can have his own money and make him feel better maybe. just a thought though.

[heyjoe]

with ssi he would at least have his own insurance. Its an aggravating process but i dont think its humiliating.

I dont know enough about what your sons particular disabilities are but maybe a hands on type of occupation would be good for him. Less book more do kind of thing. I know kids who had low self confidence who then by learning a skill felt much better about themselves.
Welding is one thing that comes to mind and you can do a lot of creative work on the side with that skill.

[AAAAA]

No no no, I'm not saying that someone on SSI is something to be ashamed of. I didn't mean it that way. And while having his own source of income may help his self esteem, I'd feel guilty taking that money from someone that might need it more. We're not wealthy by any means, but we're still able to provide for him. Is there a way he can get medicaid only do you know?

I really do appreciate all of the input here, you're giving me hope. I have been so worried about him, but I don't want him to know how worried I am. He really is a good kid with a heart of gold. He's really good with animals, and I have inquired at the local vet's office and dog groomers to see if they needed someone to help care for the animals and such, but unfortunately the economy's pretty bad in this area these days and they're not looking for any help.

The places that Danialla was sound awesome, I really hope that they have something like that here. It would be really nice to have someplace that would test him and see what he is capable of and be able to place him. That would just be awesome!

I would like to thank you all for the hope!

[heyjoe]

I didnt take it as you feeling people would be ashamed. Being a parent i know what you are talking about when you say you worry about him and his future. I hope he gets the help he needs at one of those agencies or similiar places.

[Danialla]

AAAAAA...

Look under your county listings for "Jobs and Family Services" and your County Board of MR/DD. BVR should be under your local Government listings or one of the other agencies listed can get you that info.

JFS is also the agency that can get you started with the medicaid process. I believe that health insurance program is run through your state not the federal government.

Again, good luck and let us know what you find out.

[bebop]

I do understand hon. I am only thinking really in the long term realm. while if you can get him tested he still may qualify for other assistance such as the ssi and medicaid. not sure if you can get it without the ssi though.

[Zorah]

(((((AAAAA)))))

we have a schizophrenic son who will turn 40 in March.

we had to get him on a Disability Pension in order to get him health insurance. we think this must be like ssi. we aren't in USA.

happy to see other members posting you useful links.

[ECHOES]

I would suggest some therapy to help him with his fears. There are therapists who list working with learning disabilities and disabilities in their areas of interest and expertise. I think social anxiety (fear) might be something they see often and could help him with. That really seems to me to be the place to start to help him broaden his social life, including friends and work. Also they might know of other great resources available to help him meet people and find employment.

Good for you for realizing that while it's so nice to have him with you, it isn't in his best interests. You're a good mom!

[Perna]

Oh, that's a great idea Echoes, a work partner/therapist would be more familiar with the territory.

An idea for the future perhaps is insurance:

http://www.insurance.com/FAQs/otherF....aspx/index/19

AAAAA,
Check out the American With Disabilites Act in your state. You can probably find it online.

There is something called a Section 504 which requires a company to provide accommodations/ modifications as much as possible.

He should have gone through a Transition program in high school. They didn't help with anything?

I'm with Echoes - it sounds like your son needs help with his self-esteem. Many children with learning disabilites have a low self esteem because not everyone has been educated to the fact that having a learning disability does not mean you are stupid! I have had LD kids who were gifted in my class Also, the other students who do not understand can be cruel. Maybe this is why your son fears starting work, maybe he's afraid that he'll make mistakes and others will notice. This is just some of the things I've experienced as a special educator. I do think a therapist could help in this area.

AAAAA, I hear what you are saying about SSI. This money is there for people who have disabilites. Your son is going to face difficulties that other 21 year olds do not have to deal with. This is why I pay taxes. Your son can use this money to "level the playing field" buy buying things that help him with is disability. I understand that you have money to support him, but this money would be for him. I would Highly recommend that you pursue this and not feel guilty about it.

So, did he go to school to learn computer aided drawing? I think the Community Colleges offer this. The good thing about that is that they also write IEPs for students with documented disabilites. So he could have accommodations/modifications in college. The physical act of writing is difficult for him? This is where SSI could kick in. Buy him a laptop. Using the computer instead of writing could be an accommodation. He could get help with his reading. The options for him are numerous, although it may not seem like that to him!

If you have any specific questions, please feel free to PM me or respond to this reply. As a special ed. teacher, I may have access to information or resources that can help. Your son sounds like a wonderful person! You are a great parent and I commend you for all that you are doing. Please use me as a resource if you need. I'd be glad to help

[AAAAA]

Sol,

Thanks, yes he did go through the program, and they sent questionaire's for a year or so, but at the time, I was just willing to let him veg and lick his wounds. Now I'd give my left arm to remember who they were.

I'd forgotten completely about them until I clicked on a link someone posted. So I am going to have a busy week making calls.

It's not only about his abilities, but also about his social interaction. I'm sure that you're familiar with it, he'll do things like make a joke, that makes absolutely no sense, and someone will politely laugh. Then he'll repeat it until they're so annoyed they won't speak with him.

There is the cruelty of other children. I've always tried to make home the most wonderful place in the world. So no matter what is happening out there, at home it's all good. When I could no longer answer the question as to why kids where that way, I had him see a T. Long story, not great results.

And you are exactly right about the IEP's. The school he was looking at was ITT, not a private school and therefore did not have to make allowances for his disabilities. The guy we talked to said that they'd let him in, but it's fast paced and he was not likely to succeed based upon his reading levels and HS IEP information.

And you have just given me a BRILLIANT IDEA!!!! Kisses to YOU!!! His LD teachers were excellent, I'm sure that they'll know the program he attended for job training and where he can get assistance. YOU ARE A GENUS! And you do God's work!

Thanks to all, and I'll keep you posted. I have a really good feeling about this, and I have not in a long long time!

[I_WMD]

>>> AAAAA <<< .

If I would say anything it would be find a peep that is a tradesman in something that would allow your son to learn a tape measurer.

Sounds odd maybe ,, but once you have been a get this ,, do this ,, measure that peep ,, you find some value in time that counts for those participateing.

Cool that son likes house stuff ..... I was coolioed the same way ,,, and glad I know how .