Relationship with your adult children? advice please

If I had a clue on how to handle this I wouldn't be a asking for help - so all comments are welcome.

What do you do when your adult son/daughter asked to borrow money to buy a truck or car?

If you are on disability and could do it but would have to do without in your own life to make it possible for him.

My son has consistently worked the same job since high school and lived rent free. Where you have bailed him out of many situations - several thousand worth in the last 3 years and you have already lived very, very lean to help him. He's 22.

I find it so hard to say "no" because I don't want him to have the tough time I did while growing up and as a young adult.
I mean do you say no or yes because tech. you could do it but it really means that you will have to do without - manage your meds and food extremely closely.

If you say "yes" how do you get paid back. If you say "no" how do you say no.

Some of you make read this and laugh - thats Ok.... I laugh too but the situation of borrowing money sure does come up a lot and I would like to make a change.

Thanks.... freewill

(((((((((((freewill)))))))))))
My advice is to say no, if you can. Tell him straight up that while you wish you could, you cannot do it. Draw the line if you can. While he may not understand, he needs to see that he will have to work harder for what he wants. He can have a better life, but he needs to work for it. While we may want to spare our children the heartaches we once endured, I think sometimes that we make it worse for them because we failed to teach them to stand on their own and accept their own consequences. Good luck to you with whatever you decide. It's not selfish for you to say no.

Hi Freewill,
I'm not laughing. I have two adult children who ask for stuff. It is clear as a bell for me to tell you to say "no" but I was just in chat last week asking docjohn how to set limits with my 21 y.o. who has moved out twice only to move back in. I'm probably not the best one to take advice from!!

I find that I do a disservice to my kids if I parent from guilt (which is often exactly what I do!) I'm trying really hard to parent based on the facts. The facts in your case is that your child is an adult (just as you indicated), he's employed, he's been and continues to live rent-free, you do not have extra money to throw around, and you'd have to live "lean" yourself if you decided to "help" him.

Money and relatives don't mix very well as the sage old advice goes. My vote is don't do it!
Okie

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freewill said:
I mean do you say no or yes because tech. you could do it but it really means that you will have to do without - manage your meds and food extremely closely.

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I think YOU answered your own question in the statement above..... NO!!

Remember:
One cannot HELP another if they will go without, therefore, YOU are NOT really able to HELP!!! - without sacrificing your own.



LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Hello freewill,
I'm sorry you're going through a tough dilemma right now. Several years ago, my sister moved out to California to go to college. When she was 20, she asked our parents to help her out with buying a car. We all knew she deserved it: she was doing well in school, had many activities, and she had three jobs. My parents knew that it would be a tight fit if they were to lend her the money, but they did it anyways. While it felt good to do a nice thing, we all ended up regreting it big time. Every now and then we had to end up borrowing money to pay for it. (She would have just sold it, but it depreciated in value so much). So, my advice to you would be to say no (if you can). It's nice to do things for others, but you need to think of yourself first! Good luck!

a 22 year old child that is asking a disabled parent for money needs some toughlove. he is already living "off" of you, as it is. he's old enough to drink and vote........he's old enough to support himself.

the longer you "enable" his behavior, the harder it is going for him to realize that he has to grow up and be responsible for himself. "enabling" means that we keep stepping in and the child never fully learns that they need to stand on their own two feet. if you don't quit, do you want him living with you when he's 27? that is just five short years. by then he may have a girlfriend/wife/child that you are supporting.

i know that this is blunt. but there is no gray when it comes to our enabling our children to remain dependent upon us. that shouldn't be what we're aiming for. we aim to send them out into the world and teach them to be responsible for themselves.

obviously, i don't believe in giving grown kids a free home or money. xoxoxo pat

My husband's sons always had to contribute as much as they could toward school/cars, etc. and then my husband would pick up the difference. They never got "new" cars, always used. I don't know what the amount is he's asking you for but I'd ask him how much he has/is putting toward it and how long he's been saving for this thing he wants, etc. If it's just something that he basically wants and doesn't "need" (if the vehicle he's using now works) or if he's known about this "problem" for awhile, I'd let him work on saving up some money for most of the purchase. If he's not paying you rent, then his money is his own? and there's no excuse for him not to learn to save, etc.

Out of curiosity, who's going to pay for the tags/title/insurance, gas, etc.? He has to learn to be responsible at some point; start now?

Thank you one and all for your very wise advice!!!!!

My answer to my son will be "NO" not only for my own good but also for his own good...

As someone who probably stayed too long in the nest myself I say "no". You have a right to have your own life now that the child is grown. Time for them to do their own thing and to take resposability for their life I say.

I don't mean to be harsh but I think it's a good lesson in life and reality.

I am still very concious of not burdening my folks with my stuff. Although I will talk to them if I need to.

Best wishes,
Steve