long random thoughts u can ignore

My heart is beating so fast and hard I fear eventually I will just explode. I have so many worries that I cannot seem to overcome. Illnesses in my family and tempers have a large affect on the level of comfort I have around my 'family'. Why no one else seems to tense up and allow their mind to drift from their body in the presence of an argument (between others) is beyone my comprehension. Building strength, self-esteem and assertiveness will not help me overcome all my struggles. Will I ever get past them all? Probably not while I am breathing.Makes me wonder what the point in even trying is.

Mom is not who she used to be. Not being with her as a child, seperated from her for 7 years and spending the last 4 trying to catch up has proved unsuccessful. Shes turned selfish,mean and so spacy. MS has defeated her soul and she has given up. Can she not see she still has two daughters to raise (ages 6 &9) and 2 grown daughters that still need to build a relationship with her? No one wants me, I feel. My dad did not fight to keep me in his life even while I lived with him. He died not really knowing me. My mom does not try. MS cannot possibly affect the need to know me. Maybe she gave up on me 11 years ago when we were seperated. I do not know what I did to be unwanted but some days I feel like only my cat wants me.......because shes hungry or has an itch behind the ear. Maybe its because I don't want me.

All seems desolate when you are alone and no one is trying to come in. If someone would only knock, I would run to answer the door. For now, I should probably just hang up a wreath and pretend I am ok.

I can understand about parents not being able to understand you or want to.
I was only able to visit my mother (maybe) two weekends a month if I was "good" from the age of three. Then when I was 12 I got sent to group homes and foster homes until I was 18. My mom visited me once and I would go to her house for Christmas and Thanksgiving...that's it.
My father never bothered to get to know me and we don't talk now. My mother just passed and I was able to get to know her just a bit and she got to know me a little.

Gosh, I feel you! It is so hard. You can't make someone want to get to know you. It does NOT make you a bad person, someone who doesn't deserve it or less of a person. You DO deserve to feel wanted.

I suspect your mom doesn't know HOW to get to know you. She may, also, be afraid that you will be taken away again or that you will leave, so she stays on guard, so to speak. I am not in her mind, but I am thinking about how I would react if it were my daughter.

I hope you are able to feel the love and caring you so deserve!



BJ

(((((HALLIEBETH)))))

It's so hard to realize our importance in life when it seems that our own parents don't even want us. I know I have struggled with that my whole life. Sure my parents seemed loving but it seemed like my mother never really wanted me around and although my father was great when I was little, his personality has done a complete 180 in recent years...I just don't know who he is anymore.

But remember...it is not you. Your parents sound like they've gotten caught up in their own inner reality...being completely selfish and not even taking into account that they have a responsibility to their children.

I'm so sorry that you've been pushed aside...you don't deserve that. None of us who have selfish parents deserve it.

If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

My Parents each were given a tool box.

My Mother's was sparse. She was an illegitimate child born to a women from an affair. She was disposed of to relatives who did their best.

My Father's was drought born too. From an alcoholic father who died at 42 from cirosis. 14 brothers and sisters were with him while growing. He and 9 of his siblings are dead from alcohol.

So with both of their combined tools in their toolbox they went about having children. They did their best with what was given and added a few new ones to the box. But it still remained light,,very light.

They passed these tools on to sister and I.

It's like building a house with a claw hammer missing a claw, a screwdriver missing a handle and a wrench missing a side.....

With so much missing it was a miracle anything got built.

But though divorced and with some remaining issues associated with "missing" things,,I am nearly two decades sober and three of my children have no substance abuse issues. My fourth is struggling but knows where help resides..Dysfunction is ailing...

I can't blame my parents for what they did or didn't do. They were given tools and they simply weren't adequate for the job. And as a result my tools weren't either.

So,,my job became adding some tools to the toolbox. Hopefully,,my children will too and in a generation or so our "family" can put illness and dysfunction behind us...

It took generations to get here...impatience is improper...

For what's it's worth,,that's my take on blaming...

IMHO.

Lenny

(((((((((((HALLIEBETH)))))))))))))))))