help

I need help really bad. I hate myself tonight. I feel like everyone hates me.
I did something really stupid tonight and Im not sure why I did it. I do it all the time. For no aparrent reason at all, I got in a mood with my boyfriend (we were just watching tele), and all of a sudden I just wanted to go home. I dont know where it came from, but I think it was because he was drifting off to sleep. I dont know why but I felt rejected. I know he has to get up at 5am every morning so I know he cant help being tired all the time. But I went in a mood and walked home (its also about 40 mins walk back to mine, I had a little vest top on and no coat and it was absolutely freezing), he even insisted he'd get up and drop me off but I just said no. And I walked out.
I was so angry on the way home. But I didnt know why, so I was just blmaing him in my head at first.
I got home and I realised what I'd done. I felt so guilty I started crying. I told myself that if this behaviour carries on, then he's going to leave me.

I dont know why I do it, its like Im a %#@&#! different person. Im such a ***** when I get like that, I just dont care at all, but I cant help it. Then when Im on my own, I have to apologise and I feel that bad, I feel like he hates me and I want to hurt myself.

Someone please tell me what the %#@&#! is wrong with me, because I know its not normal behaviour. Please. I dont know what to do

babyg xXx

???? I don't see anything that would cause you to have to apologize and certainly nothing that gives you any reason to hate yourself.



Try to take better care of yourself (i.e. wear your coat) but you have every right to do what you want, he isn't your husband, you don't live there... he was tired, you were bored.

I was really nasty though. I mean, really nasty. I know hes a really sensitive guy, and he asked me what was wrong because I wasnt looking at him, and I kept saying 'nothing,' even though I felt this sudden anger towards him. Then he tried talking to me about it and I basically told him to %#@&#! off, then he wanted a cuddle and he was cuddling me whilst i was just there, motionless.

And there was absolutely no reason for me to be like that. I know I hurt him when Im like that, but for some reason, I just dont care. He's done nothing wrong, and I can be such a *****

babyg xXx

It sounds like something about his behavior triggered this reaction...and I think that in itself can cause us to overreact or act in a way that is bothersome.

I've often had this kind of inappropriate (in my opinion) reaction to things with my husband. I've left in a huff or tearful rage in the midde of the night with little provacation or even worse--at a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of other couples, for example. One time I insisted he charter a private plane to fly me & the kids off my dad's yacht when we were visiting the San Juan Islands--just the interaction wth my siblings & dad there set me off. I just get into my head all this hurt & rage over his (husband's) behavior that I interprete as uncaring or an insult or something. Or in the case with the trip with my dad, it was my dysfunctional childhood brought back to the forefront as my biolological family gathered there for a "vacation"--more like house of horrors, revisited.

For me it was a result of undiagnosed bipolar. I would just be on an incredible edge of going into an intense hurt/rage at things. My whole family was walking on egg shells. With medication this lessened a lot & then with therapy I'm trying to figure out what my "triggers" are & to prevent me from acting in irrational ways.

When I think back, I just did a lot of rash things--leaving parties because I took offense, setting out in the middle of the night just to be dramatic because my feelings were so intense &, unfortunately, overdosing & ending up in the ER.--Suzy

Thanks for sharing guys. He came to see me and Im feeling a bit better now. I need to start controlling my moods some how.

I think your right tainted goth, I think something did trigger it off. I will have to keep a record of everytime I do it and try and find the reason why

babyg xXx