Happy, nervous, scared; its time to fight

Well I got back from my appointment to realize that I was locked out of the house. LOLOL. And my bf was out of town. Too funny!! Thats okay, I am nice and warm now. I played outside with my puppy and I have dried slobber all over me. lmao.

Anyway; my appointment. It was great. I loved when my doctor said, "Elizabeth, I don't ask for much in my life, but I am begging you, help me help you." He said it with such caring, he really does understand. It was wonderful to have my t with me. She explained some things to him and I know it "hit home" for him. He told my t that with starving myself, my muscle is wasting away. The next thing its going to effect that could be damage he can't fix, is my heart. He said this is not an easy fix. My life is in serious danger and he is concerned that my will to die is what's stopping me from helping myself get well. My t said that she can see what he is saying but there is so much more involved here. I have so much to work through and I am feeling tired of fighting.
It was cute, she drew a picture for us. She drew this umbrella, with the eating disorder as the shelter of the umbrella, then all the things that I am dealing with underneath this umbrella. It made so much sense, it was like she could hear what my mind is saying and feel the pain that haunts me. She is so right and I am thankful for her. My doctor said, "think of me as the police, I am watching you and going to keep you in check." He had a big smile on his face. (and he is really attractive) lolololol. He said he won't let me down, he will do what it takes to keep me alive. But he needs my help. And he has it.

So, starting tomorrow, I am in out-patient care. For as long as it takes for me to be able to keep food and liquids in, I will have IV's everyday to keep my electrolites in tack. When I am at the hospital, I will be in therapy. I believe mostly group therapy. He is also going to get ahold of my old pdoc. He lives in Calgary. I used to see him for 3yrs until he moved to Calgary. He and I had a wonderful relationship. He could tell me what I was thinking before I spoke. He always listened. He didn't just manage my meds, he made appointments for an hour long once a week. He was really great. So its worth it to drive an hour and a half to be able to see him again. I don't care if its once a week, I will go. So my doctor is getting ahold of him today.

This is good, right? I am excited to get this stuff out in the open. I am scared because I know this is not going to be easy. Its such a long road ahead. I am scared to get to know myself again. But I can't die, my babies need me. I don't think much of myself and I know that needs to change. My doctor said the same thing today. But for now, I don't matter to much to myself. So the focus on my kids and being here for my mom is going to be my strength. I want to be here for all of you too!!! You are my friends and I dont want to leave you.

SO ITS TIME TO FIGHT. I have always been a fighter, I just need to find that girl again. She is in here somewhere; lol. This is going to be so hard, the emotions, memories. So if I come on here and be a dummy with any negative remarks; just give me a nice slap-a nice one. hehe. Thanks for putting up with me; I am a pain in the butt. Couldn't be any other way; makes life interesting. lolol; I like that word.

Thanks very much for the patience, understanding, caring, compassion; and love. I couldn't do it without you.

Love you; I really do!!!

Justy

We love you Justy
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

You ARE a fighter! And I'm glad you remembered that!!

Angela

What would I do without you??? You send good chills through my body. Thank you.

Justy

I'm always here for you, sweetie! And I am SOOOOO glad that you are fighting. You are wonderful! And you deserve to live. And your babies deserve for you to live- they need a mommy.

((((((((Justy))))))))

It is so great to read this post! You sound so positive, and opitimistic--this is WONDERFUL!!!!! You have me excited just by reading it, LOL. You say about the fighter that "she is in here somewhere"---sounds like you have already FOUND her! It's okay, be a pain in the butt. You've got a lot of hard work ahead of you physically and emotionally. You are not a dummy and won't be getting any slaps. Certainly not for trying to succeed and win this battle! You are exceptional, Justy! Thank you! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ha, I think ur right. She is here, always has been. And you know what; YOU ARE ALL EXCEPTIONAL!!! And I thank you, all of you.

I will win this battle!! I love life too much to leave when I shouldnt be. Just to get through this mamogram, then I can either say [censored] or whew.

LOL;

justy

How wonderful to have your T stand by you, and the great explanation she gave yr Dr., and that things are unfolding that can help you. (((((Justy)))))

{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}

Wow, you sound determined! I sincerely hope for all the best for you. That kind of will to live is just what you need to get through this. I knew you had it in you - and I'm glad that it is there now. The spark is back. Hang onto it, ok?
Wendy

(((((((((Justy)))))))))))

I am so proud of you. I knew you'd get your fighting instinct back. Your kids do need you, and your mom needs you and WE need you, with your creativity and your kindness and your sensitivity. You are a great person and you deserve to live. I'm so glad that you're seeing it!

Take Care,
Kimberly.