Scared, nervous & not doing well

(trig icon just because I'm not entirely sure whether or not its necessary, better safe than sorry!)

This is my first post here in this section, but for a reason. I always thought my self-destructive behaviour was under my control (I scrape skin, and irritate hang nails/scabs so they bleed). (Also do some other self-destructive stuff, not eating, drinking far too much - haven't learned self control yet)

Today I had a counselling session, and I let it slip that I do it.

Now she (my counsellor) is saying that we're going to have to "talk" and write up some sort of safety plan or something like that.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. This is the first time I've ever told anyone in person, and I haven't got the foggiest idea about whats going to happen.

I can't deal with this. What would happen if I told her I was actually getting random (and strong) thoughts about graduating to cutting for release?? I need SOMETHING to help me cope, regardless of whether or not its the smartest idea.



Okay, rant finished... I just wish I knew whats going to happen now...

Edit: PS. Thanks to both individuals for reading my blog post and leaving a comment. I really am trying...

having a safety plan is a good way to go. it is not always effective (believe me, i know!!) but you can write down things you can do to distract yourself or to help yourself before you get to the self harm. i have self harmed for years, and yesterday was told that i did great going for 2 months without doing anything. i have a plan, where i can do crosswords, go online, go for a walk (when appropriate), phone a friend, phone my nurse, or the emergency team if after hours, take my anxiety medication (which is very effective), think about the consequences of my actions if i do anything...the list can go on and on. I don't yet feel comfotable doing most of the above, but they are goals i have. pls canders, do not go to cutting. the scars stay with you forever, and altho they are a release you will regret it every time you look at them. my children are growing up with a mother who has scars all over her body, and it is so hard to answer their questions about them. since i have become a member of PC i have found so much support. i use it to chat, to read others thoughts, to find out more information about what i am going through, and it is the best distraction i have ever had. i hope this helps a little...it's all very close to my heart right now so i can really understand about what you are going through...

canders7,

Just remember that your counsellor is on your side.

She will help you to find other ways to cope. The safety plan will be to help you keep safe, and find ways of coping without hurting yourself.

There is a good list of coping strats at the top of the self injury forum -' Things to do instead of hurting yourself'

Take care.

Cutting is only a temporary release, and every time I look at my scars, I want to cry. They will be with you FOREVER -- try to remember that before you do it! I have a physical disease now that requires lots of blood drawing, IVs, etc, and all the medical professionals ask me about my scars. I feel ashamed when I have to tell them about it.

Really -- it's not worth it. And I "third" the idea of the safety plan -- it's worked for me before. Good luck.

Candy

Thanks irishsj for your story. Helps me to gain some sort of perspective, I appreciate it.

Thanks pegasus, I didn't see that up there, I'll definetely check it out.

You'd be right candybear. I've got a physical disability and a lot of medical appointments and I really don't want to have to explain them away, I can only lie so much, and not that well! Thanks.

And an update from me...

Since my counsellor is still in training, she had to speak to her supervisor (who I respect and like) about my SIng. Apparently, he wasn't surprised. Don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but whatever...

She put together the plan, and until my appointment with her next week, if I've ever got the urge to do it, I've got a few options of things I can do. All doable, but I've got to try and stick with it. And I'm not supposed to feel awful if I can't stick with it, just to try the next time.

She asked if I had thought about it or done it since my last appointment with her. I couldn't tell her the truth, its eating me up inside. Next week I'll tell her, I just couldn't do it right now. *sigh*

Anyways, thanks everyone for your support, much appreciated.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((christina))))))))))))))))))))))))
oh my gosh...
christina,
i know i am young and still have much too learn but i know how you feel...
the safety plan is good... i have one... yer counsellors will ask you every single time you visit if you have cut but... you need to be honest...
your in my thoughts and prayers

milly

I know that feeling... not being able to tell the truth about 'it' because of how it's making you feel anyway. It is a vicious cycle, having these thoughts that are huge and scary and like a 'monster', and you are meant to tell your nurse/therapist/counsellor but you feel so bad about having these thoughts and where they might lead if you say anything that you bottle them up and then feel worse... But at least you have been able to get a safety plan together, and even though they are all doable things, at the time it is hard to focus and change your thoughts. It is all about keeping safe, and sometimes I find that the smallest thought is the one that stops me doing something. This is something that i have just discovered I have been battling for about 23yrs, not the 10 or so I had believed. It all takes time, but i hope that this week, day by day, and every week after, gets easier for you.