Just a confused, hopeless mess...

...and don't know what to do. It feels like my entire life is crumbling down. Don't have a job, running out of money, seem to be stuck in some weird relationship limbo, feeling very alone & socially isolated, no idea what to do with myself, or even where to start.

Obviously, I should be looking for a job. That seems logical enough, right? Only I don't know what to look for any more. I've always been one of those people who never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I still don't know. I've worked in a few different kinds of jobs, and I just can't seem to find something that fits.

My most recent work history was working in nonprofit IT management, and I've essentially burned out on that -- in my experience, it's a pretty thankless job. Plus, I don't actually have any formal training or qualifications, though I seem to have something of a knack for understanding technology and how it works, and have been messing around with computers off and on for nearly 25 years now. But learning by trial-and-error is fine if you have the time, but it's not particularly efficient.

I've also worked in graphic arts a bit, and figured out that I'm just not creative in the right way to make it. I'm a fairly good technician, and can do production and layout stuff pretty well, but things never really worked out for me in that sector, either.

Also, I've done the secretarial/admin assistant gig, even did a few years as an executive secretary -- I suppose I'm competent enough, but it's not really something that appeals to me. Or maybe it's the places I've worked and/or people I've worked for. That's pretty much the case for all my work experiences, overall.

So work-wise, I don't know where to start looking. I know I have some things I'm good at, others that I'm just okay at, and then there's all the things I totally suck at. So I know enough to stay away from anything that involves sales, for example. But I can't seem to put it all together in a meaningful fashion. And now I'm stuck. Don't really know what I'm good for. The fact that my memory doesn't work very well any more isn't a help, either.

So that's the work issue. Which leads into the money issue. Since I'm not "making a job of looking for a job," I quit claiming unemployment benefits, since it'd just be a matter of time till I'd have to actually justify myself to the Dept. of Labor. So I've been living off my savings (thank goodness I actually _have_ savings, but only thanks to a couple unexpected gifts from my dad), and as I see my savings account diminish more and more, I can't help but think about what will happen if/when I get so low on money that I won't be able to pay rent, etc. Then what? I don't have anywhere to go, really. But it doesn't look like I'll be able to stay here, either.

And that leads into the relationship issue... I've been in this relationship for a little over four years with a man whom I love and care for more than I can even express, and he actually reciprocates the feeling! It's amazing. But (of course, there's a "but")... it's difficult. We've gone from seeing each other 2-3 times a week to maybe once a week. And we rarely get to spend "quality time" together when we do see each other. It's really tough. It doesn't help that I've been having a really difficult time coping with everything else that's messed up in my life, and that I only have one other friend in the area, but I don't see or talk to her very often either, and I suppose I get a bit needy with him, which he has a hard time with (understandably, I suppose). But to me, it feels like he's just not there when I need him, and that just adds to the pain.

Though he's said he's in it for the long haul, and I also feel committed to be with him for the rest of our lives, we've never really discussed any future. Not that I've been the sort of person who actually tends to believe in a future (sorry, but I was actually convinced I'd be dead by the time I turned 20 -- what a surprise when one day I realized I was 24!), and he's a bit the same way, but especially now I'm in a place where I need at least the illusion of security and some reassurance...

There's also a lot of complicated personal history that goes along with all this, of course. But I'll spare everyone those stories for now...

So that's where I am right now, wherever that is. The psych/emotional/mental issues I seem to have are sending me into really dark places... Since I can't afford to see a therapist or p-doc (or any doctor), and can't get any help/advice from the two people who still talk to me, I'm spilling my guts here, in the hope that maybe someone might have some little bit of insight or something... Anyone?

Hi Plateoshrimp,

Welcome to PC. I don't have any great answers or even good advice. Sounds like your past employment has allowed you to experience several different trades. Have you ever thought of an employment agency? Then, when you find "THAT" job, they just may hire you permanently. Just a thought...

Looking forward to seeing ya around on the boards!

Just to add, this is only something of an overview of what's going on with me these days. There's more, alas, and it's all pretty damn complicated. Why does everything have to be so difficult???

Hi, mybestkids2 -

Yeah, I've done a variety of things, and still haven't found "it." I've actually registered with a few temp agencies, since I need the work and was thinking much the same thing, but so far I haven't been contacted for an assignment. It also seems that they mainly look at your most recent work history to see what kind of placements they'll put you in, and that's not really an advantage for me. Also, these days, with all the layoffs happening, especially now in financial services, there must be thousands of people signing up for temp work...

There are some ways you can research what people similar to you enjoy doing for a job. You can start by taking the personality test at http://www.mypersonality.info/ If you like this approach, I will find you more places to research.

Doh2007 -

Thanks for the link. I've always been fascinated by personality tests and the like, maybe because I don't really know who I am. I've taken the personality type test before (on another site), and oddly enough the results depend on how I'm seeing myself at the time. I'm definitely Introverted and Perceiving, but the other two come out in-between.

Mainly, the jobs I've held have more-or-less fallen into the career matches listed for my personality type(s), but maybe it's because I seem to be divided between the Sensing/Intuitive and the Thinking/Feeling characteristics that I haven't had much luck finding anything I'm really good at.

Anyway, thanks again for replying to my post. It's kinda hard to go spilling my guts out in public, but it seems I've run out of options.

Welcome to PC. Hope you find us helpful and supportive. Have you thought of pursuing career counselling. Not sure how it works where you're at, but here there are social service agencies that specialize in helping people figure out career options - I think that the Y has some programs. and I'm sure there's one of those somewhere in NY.

It's really hard when everything is in limbo & you don't know what you're going to do next. I'm just coming out of a kind of protracted job search that was probably made worse / longer than it could have been by my emotional issues. It wasn't until I got in a better headspace that I started to get sent for jobs by recruiters & do better in interviews.

Good luck.

--splitimage

Splitimage, thanks for your kind words and counsel. I am hoping to find some support and perhaps even some help here, that's why I finally decided to take the plunge and post...

Yes, I'd like to get some kind of career counseling; it's something I've wondered about for a while now, but I'm afraid it's likely to be pretty much unaffordable (it *is* NYC, after all). There are a few Ys here, though I don't know if they offer anything like that. I'll do some googling and see what comes up, though. Thanks.

It *is* particularly difficult to manage when everything seems to be going south, and then all the stress sets off all my worst mental/emotional/etc. issues. And I'm beginning to suspect a number of my problems might be due to a personality disorder (very probably avoidant, maybe also dependent) that my current situation is just making worse. The sensible, logical me (who pops up every so often) says that I ought to try to find some kind of free/very low-cost therapy that'll get me moving again and also work on those bad thought patterns and relationship problems and whatever else. Hm. Maybe that will help me put myself back together and figure out what I need to do... like maybe career counseling? :-)

I dunno. Sometimes I'm almost on the edge of being able to function halfway normally, then boom. Back into the black hole again. Sensible, logical me is totally eclipsed by miserable, tortured me, and nothing seems worthwhile any more. It sucks.

Anyway, not to go on and on with this, especially in such a morose manner, so again, thanks for your comments and suggestions. It really helps to know some folks are reading my self-indulgent crap and actually feel like answering. Bless you all.

I would go, for just this one thing, with the sensible part of your personality that is telling you to find low cost or free counseling....the tortured part of you is a part that hurts and that black hole will just get bigger & bigger..............

I know what it is to need at least the illusion of some security and a touch of reassurance.......you write about a complicated personal history and psych/mental/emotional issues, perhaps if you express these things more here, we can help you truly get to the bottom of all this, here is the best plave to do so, especially if friends are limited and your relationship leaves something to be desired...we care, here, and I think my story is similiar to yours, and my issues are similiar to yours, if only I knew what they were and/or how to help.....