[jbug]

This is an email I sent my T just a few minutes ago and I wanted to get some input from you guys too.

Why do I feel guilty for having a good day?

I mean nothing bad happened today except I got stung by a yellow jacket but that wasn't major. No fights with dad, No wanting to die, and things like that and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for being happy. What is up with that? I mean that is so messed up. I mean I even got to see my favorite T.V. doctor in his swimsuit today so I should be really happy but no I feel guilty. So now the good day has turned into a bad day and that sucks.

When is it going to be ok to be happy?

My T asked me when am I going to stop punishing myself for my perceived wrong-doings or "sins" or faults or flaws? It's like I don't deserve to feel any peace or joy so I sabatoge it if it should occur. Working on it in therapy.--Suzy

[sabby]

(((((((((((( jbug & suzy ))))))))))))))))

Have you given yourselves permission to be happy yet? Maybe it can start with one small thing that makes you happy....giving yourself the permission to feel the happiness from that one small thing and refusing to allow any guilty feelings surface for it.

It may be easier said then done....but maybe worth a try? And I know it's hard to feel comfortable with something you are not used to feeling.....maybe by doing it little by little it can grow to other things, bigger things. I wish you both well....and I wish you both guilt-free happiness


sabby

[Fuzzybear]

[MyBestKids2]

Jannie, I'm happy you admitted to having a good day. Thats a wonderful thing

My T says a big part of not allowing myself to feel any peace or joy or contentment is that I don't live in the "now." I'm either looking back to the past traumas or I'm looking forward with anxiety as to what horrible things the future might bring. But my life actually now, today isn't bad. I feel tons of anxiety, but why? Because I don't let myself relax in the now.

Right now my biggest "worry" is will I be able to finish reading the great book for my book club tomorrow? I mean, I did a lot of chores & accomplished a lot yesterday so I could basically have all day to read today & I love to read so why am I anxious? This should be an ideal day for me.

I have a beautiful home that my husband & I designed in a park-like location that is peaceful. I have some delcious coffee that I can make. It's warm enough to sit outside in the sun to read.

Just had a mammagram & had a polyp removed & both test results showed no cancer.

My husband & I are slowly communicating again as I learn new things in therapy & I called about getting into a DBT group that my therapist recommended that should help with the living in the now & help calm down my intense over-reactions to triggers & the anxiety so things are looking up!!

I'm determined to get what "they" have--the people I see in the grocery store or in the coffee shop with the half smile on their faces just focussing on the moment & perhaps even delighting in the smell of the coffee or thoughts of preparing a favorite dish--not having food trigger an agonizing fear that I might binge or bring back the thoughts of hate of my body (weight gain on meds, but have changed meds & lost 10 lbs. so far, but many more to go) or how angry I get at myself when I eat, because I feel so weak & undisciplined.

Oh, here I go again!! I'm just going to go out & read the damn book & enjoy the sunshine if it kills me to do it!! And I'm going to be happy. When I wanted to bail out of life & cancel things I had committed to & I wasn't in a total meltdown (in which case my husband would let me stay home), he would make me go. He said I could go happy or I could go sad, but I was going to go! Like to Christmas dinner at his parents' house. Sometimes the anxiety was so strong I would be vomitting & crying uncontrollably--that's a stay home. Other times I'd just be whining that I didn't want to go--that's a go happy or go sad.--Suzy

[complic8d]