[Wants2Fly]

I've written about some of these things on Depression Forum, but this is not really @ depression, though I struggle with that.

I have to get out of this furnished sublet by Nov. 1 (there's some leeway there, but soon), and I have to get my furnishings moved from So. Fla. to New Orleans, bec. furnished sublets are expensive & I need my things. I've no winter clothes, & I need files that are in storage for vaious important reasons.

My brother is a long-haul trucker. So I've emailed him to ask if he will drive a rental truck, if I have it packed/unpackede by local movers at both ends. My brother and I do not get along.

In the spring, when I was suicidal, I called my former BF bec. I wanted him to know how much pain I was in (yes, very dysfunctional, I know), and he called my 80-yr-old mom, and that upset her very much, and my brother left a long hate-filled message on my answering machine screaming at me to "Kill yourself, just go ahead, do it."

So asking my brother for help is very painful. I sent an email, apologizing for a huge fight we had a Christmas, where I wound up hitting him (and I am NOT violent -- that was first for me), which started this whole falling out, though I guess the wounds go back to childhood. But I don't know what else to do.

It so so painful to be alone in the world, and to know that I do not have "relationship building skills," that I don't know how to "be" in the world, and it is hard to cope with my illness and the fatigue and depression and joint pain, and problems such as having no job, no income, no home.

Thanx to all who read my rambling.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((Wants)))))))))

I am so sorry you are feeling down. I want you to know that you're not alone. You have a huge family here at psychcentral and we care about you.

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now.

Hang in there!

Angela

[shakes]

(((((Wendy))))

[Wants2Fly]

My brother turned me down, of course. Said my email upset him. His reply upset me, but I didn't respond, bec. I knew I "asked for it" when I asked for his help. I feel I have made a mess of just about every relationship in my life.

I have two old friends. I am not the "best friend" of either of them. They each have an even older tried-and-true female friend who has stood by their side through evening. One of these pairs live in apartments in the same building. The other has taken in her childhood pal who is ill.

I never invested myself into building this kind of strong friendship for myself. I guess I don't know how, that I don't have good interpersonal relationship skills. Or I am selfish and self-absorbed. I don't know. What I do know is that now that I am in a jam, I have no one. Like other people on these forums. Like Justy who is in her car somewhere, and that worries me a lot. No one playing short stop for us.

[SeptemberMorn]

I can't vouch for your interpersonal skills but so far, you seem to be doing well enough here. You give as well as you take. Seems to me there's nothing better than that.

Is there any way you can explain things to your brother and ask him to forgive you for being sharp with him, if in fact you were? Pride can really get in your way when it comes to that but put it aside if you can. You've got much to gain and nothing to lose.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Wants2Fly]

SeptemberMorn -- No, I can't do that right now. There is a long history to here. Seven years when he didn't speak to my mom and I, we don't know why. His daughter -- our neice/granddaughter -- was raised to have Zero to do with us. This hurts my mother, who's 80 & has only this one grandchild, enormously.

My brother supports the man who abandoned me last spring when I got sick and lost my job -- after 15 years together, he walked out the door one day and never came back. A phone call 5 weeks later saying "his feelings had changed. Sell the house." My brother thinks it's all my fault. My bro & I saw each other last xmas for first time in 20+ years. It wound up in a fight over my X -- with me hitting my bro. And I'm not violent. I am coping with not having a job, an income, needing to find a new place to live by Nov. 1. I simply can't deal with this long, complicated, painful relationship right now. I am in so much emotional pain, the lupus is flaring, I can feel the nodes swelling on my neck, usually a sign of low white blood cell count, fatigue, I can hardly move.

[SweetCrusader]

I wish I knew what to say to help you.

(((((((((Wants2Fly))))))))))

Angela

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((Wants2Fly))))))))))))))))))))