I just had a lightbulb moment

I just had a lightbulb moment where something you've been thinking about why all of a sudden comes crystal clear to you. Well I've been trying to figure out why I don't take my Provigil anymore and why I've got 2 months of it stock piled. Well I notice that when I'm starting to go downhill I start to stockpile things, pills,food,clothes,plastic sacks from walmart anything and hoard it. Well I guess this is the beginning of a slide and I am wondering do I call my T and let him know of this lightbulb moment or do I wait til Monday? I am scared that the poop will hit the fan for whatever reason and I'll take them....don't get me wrong I'm not planning it I just know me. I know that when the chips are down I throw in the towel and say to the heck with it I can't handle it so I'm going to die. What if when I talk to dad tonight about me having $20 he says no and gets all nasty and I freak and down 2 months of provigil other than being awake for a week what will that prove? It will prove I'm not good enough again. Anyway I'm rambling so will stop now but the q is do I call my T or save it?

Janniebug

Call your T. I understand exactly what you are saying. I do the same thing. I have a drawer full of meds. Recently I wanted out and I couldn't get that pills out of my head. I just wanted to take them all. I didn't take them, but I also didn't throw them away, because I thought I will need them for the next time. I know there will be a next time, there always is. I guess your post jsut made me realize what I was doing too. Thanks
Nicole

Call your T. I hope he or she is responsive.

Jannie AND Nicole....my 4 cents:

Jannie, Call your T, and explain your revelation. If you will dump your meds and promise your T to stay safe, you can just leave a message on his/her machine. If you keep the meds, you MUST call the beeper number asap. Why? you ask?? Cuz Emmie says so. And you know your T will make you dump them because your T cares about Jannie!

Nichole...if you haven't already, please dump the meds. They are of no use to you. You've been doing really well lately, and being so supportive to people here. Do something good for yourself. Please get rid of them, and report back to Auntie Em. OK?

Thank you both for sharing this!!

Old lady Em

{{{{{{{{Jannie}}}}}}}}}}

I also have a stash of meds I keep. I also know that it is important that you call your T or the resident on duty ASAP. They will have you dump them - it will bother you, like it did me - but, you will be safe for now.

Then talk to your T during business hours and try to work on solving the issues that are making you feel this way. We all want you safe and here...............please take care of yourself.

I called my T and he had to call me back as he is out in the field today. Anyway we talked and he sounded frustrated and told me that they can't help me if I don't follow their directions and that I am to start tomorrow by taking my provigil and only do it according to directions and bring him the stash when I see him on monday.

Janniebug

JB, I'm really glad you called your T.......How are you feeling now? It scared me that you had the stash BUT I'm really glad that you had the "lightbulb" moment and realized what you were doing to yourself. Take care, Pat

I am glad you called you T. I hope it helped.

You did the right thing. You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. Not sure that I would/could do it.

Nicole...don't think I've stopped worrying about you girl! I'll just try not to be a real pain in the neck. But I sure wish you'd think about why the heck you need to keep those old dusty meds around. Perhaps it's time to toss them out and truely release your hope-filled self?

I care about you. I do.

Emmy

Thanks Emmy. I don't know if I will get rid of the meds but I will talk to my T about it. Maybe. I will work on it.
Niocle