When Does Support Replace Reality

Having online support has changed so many lives. Things that we wouldn't dare share with someone in the real world - or at least be reluctant to bare our souls - somehow is easier to discuss with people online.

It's a medium that allows one to open up and share thoughts and feelings with less fear of judgement. For so many of us it's been a lifeline in a very cold and unfriendly world.

I can't help but worry and wonder when being online becomes a need that overshadows realife: when being online replaces interaction with people in the every day world.... when the thought of not being online becomes frightening. It seems to me that there is a danger of the internet (online support or other cyber activities such as Second Life) taking over instead of living in the real world.

This happened to me in the past. I was in an abusive relationship. My husband reguarly tried to strangle/ beat/ drag around by the neck etc. I had lost my job of some 28 years. Being at home and desperately broke gave my husband more opportunity to beat the H_ll out of me. If I hadn't had internet access I might have just given up. As it was more than once I stared at the barrel of my 38 revolver. Part of what kept me going on were the support of friends located all over the globe but connected via the internet.

So I do know how it is to cling to a lifeline that gives hope. However it is important that there comes a time when we begin to pull back from cyber and reengage in life. It's all too easy to let being on the internet become another kind of addiction or obsession.

Judy

**edited to add trigger icon *only*

I am sorry for what you have been through (((((((((( Judy ))))))))))

I can understand how an internet addiction in gambling online would be bad, but personally I cannot see how internet support can be a bad thing unless you are constantly given wrong information.

To me, support on the internet is REAL and I don't view it as a second life, it is a very important part of my life and this is reality. I meet with real people online who have got to know me, and I get to know and meet lots of people just like me. Also knowing that I too can make a real difference in someone elses life.

An obsession in 'support' really isn't a bad thing.

Machshefa ,,,,, Thank You for being there for me so many times ,,, and knowing that even though I may be a bear with peeps that call before I have had my coffee ,, [ even if it be 1 pm ]... LOL .

You still help me get back to making my future more stable and happy ..

And for That I am Thankfull to know you IRL .



Corky .

Pegasus makes some good points Judy...and I too am sorry for your circumstances but so very happy you found us...

I think it is critical to understand what the limitations of internet support are and when to use that support. IRL therapy with a professional who can look you in the eyes, hear your voice and have a far more comprehensive understanding of your life and circumstances is irreplaceable.

I guess one serious problem could be in thinking that this was enough.

IMHO.

lenny

Dear Pegasus,

Thank you for being so gentle!

Please understand that in no way was I being judgemental of anyone in here. I was trying to pass along some lessons learned by experience.

In my case unemployed/ husband abusive/ Mom dying of cancer 1500 miles away and unable to go see her - and there I was glued to my pc. At the time on Compuserve you were charged so much an hour and my bills were running $300-500 a month. I beccome a volunteer in a Human sexuality forum as a moderator/ leader and thus got my time for free. It was a good idea/bad idea.

So there I was online 24/7 or just about. Only taking time off to feed dogs and cats and duck my husband's blows. While I helped others I was unable to help myself. For me hiding in cyber made me put off dealing with the real world. Online I was "safe and had a life". In real life things were as bad as it gets. (picture drug dealers pulling up to your house at 2am to buy dope...)

I'm happy this place is here and there are good people to share our darkest hours. Hopefully we are can find healing and find peace and comfort.

Judy

Dear Pachyderm,

I loved your lovely quotation of the poem.

Here's one that I made my credo as a young girl:

Spend all you have for loveliness,
Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be.

Last stanza from Sara Teasdale's Barter
who by the way committed suicide years later

Dear Corky,

Lord, now you are embarassing me. But perhaps you can confirm one thing about our relationship! Isn't it true that occasionally we all need a real life actual hug!?? (happy contributor of occasional hugs).

You're like my adopted retarded step child! Not stupid by any means but oh my goodness your heart is bigger than most people. For all that you support and love your friends, please take some time for your self now and then. Giving all of the time is draining!!

It's time you had some happiness in your life!

Judy

Dear Lenny,

Thank you for the gentle welcome.

It takes all kinds of support and help to heal, for sure. After my escape for indeed I did finally escape, I volunteered for several years as a crisis counselor. In giving back for that was what I was trying to do, I found even more healing.

I remember one woman in particular who was enduring unspeakable abuse. her partner beat her regularly with a dog chain among other items. She had endured it for years. they had a child together and the abuse had began to spread to the child. There was a horrible sense of desperation to reach her to instill some kind of hope.

In the end I found something that clicked and reached her. She and the child escaped to a shelter. You can't imagine the joy and happiness I felt to hear even this one woman found her courage to leave. Yippee!

Judy

eeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm aaaaaaaaaaaaa >> I said >> " Redheaded stepchild .>>..

(((((((((Machshefa)))))))))),

For all you have gone through & endured. I can't imagine what you have gone through except by watching the movie "sleeping with the emeny".....which is not close to what reality actually is.

The one thing that I have learned through my many years of experiences however is that there is a time & place for everything. Everything that we go through & everything that we do throughout our lives is something important, something that is needed so that we can get to the next place in life. For without each previous step & experience, we wouldn't have them put all together to get us to where we are supposed to be. Everything we go through has its purpose in our life.

The time you were spending on the internet alone, getting support online just to keep yourself alive during the most horrible time, wasn't going to be a permanent thing.....it was just a stepping stone to getting out of where you were in the middle of horrible abuse. Without it, you probably never would have been able to get out, or you would there would have had to have been another stepping stone needed to get to where you are today.

I think for all of us, support internet sites are what gets us through the horrible times & then we give back what we have received.......it is not our complete lives, just stepping stones to get us through the rough spots & on to other parts of our lives.....keeping that internet support there to give back to others what they have given to us so that we might help with a needed stepping stone for others just like ourselves.

You are blessed to have the strength to have escaped your abuse & go on to help others.......the only way you would have been trapped where you were is if you couldn't have escaped.....we all have phases in our lives where we cling to what is keeping us alive for as long as we need it.

It's wonderful that you have found us here....it's wonderful you found the support you had through those horrible years of your life.

Everything has it's purpose,
Debbie

Debbie,

Your words ring very true.

I loved the part about everything happens to a purpose. Things actually got much worse before they got better but somehow I did survive. A saying kept going through my mind during these months and years, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". There did come a time where I starting thinking "enough already!" I must be a !##$$!#$ amazon by now. Enough!

Part of the healing was getting a chance to give back by helping others. My purpose was to help others as I had been helped at the time. What I found out was that the more I gave back, the more I got back. It helped me to feel self respect and the joy of being able to share knowledge to help others.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Judy

Dear Corky,

Excuse me but I've stared at you enough to state with authority Your Hair ISN"T RED!



Judy

I know I have the same feelings about the rough times I keep going through & they are nothing compared to what you have experienced. It seems that everything that exists in my life is so much more difficult than it should be. Something so simple as getting my prescription filled.....the same prescription since 2003....all of a sudden....back orders are keeping it out of the pharmacy & it isn't a med I can go without for even a little while without having horrible problems.....of course, there is the IRS.....we won't even go there right now......they are as abusive as any husband....mentally, not physically however. It seems like it never ends & I keep praying for a break.....the only break I got was my dog's leg when he got in a fight with the dog & was foster caring for after the huge auto accident by my farm.....guess I have to watch what I ask for....lol.

I know what you mean about....how strong we should be by now.....when everything that goes on in my life.....my friend said....you can do absolutely nothing & wham....something hits you.....even when I'm isolating I can't escape the rough times....so why bother....just go with the flow & enjoy the good when is accidently happens....lol.

Giving back to others is sometimes all we have to give when all else is taken away....& the people don't have to answer for their actions. I know how many times things have happened & the people don't even have to answer for what they did or take responsibility.......I don't want others to go through what I have experiences....so giving seems to help.....to talk through & save others from similar harm......is the only thing that helps.

Proud of you & your survival through that trapped relationship you were in.......amazon or not....being a survivor is what it's all about.

Debbie