</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

The following anonymously written signs of unhealthy boundaries have circulated among groups such Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Ala-Teen, etc., for many years and have been modified, in part, for relevance to Extension professionals.
Signs that an at-risk client has unhealthy boundaries:

* Tells all
* Talks at an intimate level at first meeting
* Falls in love with an acquaintance
* Takes as much as possible regardless of need
* Gives as much as he/she can give for the sake of giving
* Believes others should anticipate his/her and fulfill their needs
* Falls apart so someone will take care of them
* Self-abuse
* Goes against personal values or rights to please others
* Allows people to take advantage of him/her
* Food and chemical abuse
* Sexual and physical abuse

Signs that staff working with at-risk clients have unhealthy boundaries:

* Giving your home phone number to clients and/or telling them to call anytime
* Giving intimate information about yourself to clients
* Believing that only you can "save" this person(s)
* Believing that the "system" doesn't understand, but only you do, therefore you must intervene.
* Believing that colleagues don't understand when you discuss/defend your behavior with clients
* Lending clients money
* Physical abuse
* Taking sides in an argument between clients
* Considering yourself "part of the family" with clients
* Experiencing stress induced illnesses such as asthma, angina, back pain, migraines, etc., when involved in interactions with clients

Establishing and Reinforcing Healthy Boundaries

Whitfield (1993) states that individuals must know themselves in order to establish healthy boundaries. The Crisis Prevention Institute (2001) teaches professionals the use of rational detachment to let go of the outcome, without overreacting or acting inappropriately. Extension professionals must find positive outlets for the negative energy a situation creates for them personally to foster a rationally detached view of an unpleasant situation. Szabo (2003) finds that humor induces positive psychological changes that are at least comparable if not superior to the effects of exercise. Extension professionals should make use of talking with and involving colleagues, confidentially, to releases stress and provide feedback and support in successfully setting of boundaries.

Following is some advice about managing healthy boundaries.

1. Distinguish which type of boundary is unhealthy, and discuss with the client how the behavior is inappropriate and how to avoid this in the future.
2. Offer a substituted behavior in place of the inappropriate behavior.
3. Set firm limits with the client, and be prepared to reinforce them. Redirect to the substituted appropriate behavior as necessary.
4. Refer the client to the proper social service agency personnel trained to meet their needs.
5. If the above does not alleviate the situation or the client refuses redirection, inform the client that the professional relationship no longer meets their needs, and withdraw contact.

Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial in working with at-risk audiences because it protects the self through setting limits with clients and increases the effectiveness of carefully planned programs. Extension professionals should continually work to reinforce and develop their own professional boundaries to increase effectiveness and reduce stress as they work with at-risk audiences.
This article is online at http://www.joe.org/joe/2004december/iw5.shtml
Copyright © by Extension Journal, Inc. ISSN 1077-5315.

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Lately I've found the need to check and recheck my personal boundaries. I found the above in a quick google search........it is late and I've been musing over this. Switch the word client with friend or acquaintance and take the professional stuff out of it and see if it makes more sense to you.

Anybody have feedback on healthy boundaries and how it applies to their lives? Is anyone else challenged by this daily? Weekly? Not at all?

My psychic energy is limited so my boundaries are clear as to what I can and cannot handle. I know that boundaries on a mental health site are especially challenging so I'd love to hear what y'all have to say.

[dalila]

Hmm I will have to think more about this to give a good answer but off the cuff. I am working on boundaries and limits. I tend to believe I should do whatever is necessary to make others like me or to take care of others, to the extent of being smothering. I am used to being my mother's emotional dumping ground. I have just recently learned to not pick up her hints when I am not up to listening to her problems. I am still working on not feeling guilty if something goes wrong for one of my kids. I can't control the world so I can't be responsible for everything that happens.

[wisewoman]

I think it's an interesting issue to always be mindful of. I change in and out of descriptions here sometimes. I wonder how to apply it to parenting? Hmmm?

[(JD)]

this is good zh, and needs to be posted in the psychotherapy forum too, for many member's T's have unhealthy boundaries. (I been saying it but maybe if they read it from a different source, they'll believe it?)

In general I do know the boundaries...and when others are having a problem, I don't take it on myself. When I'm terribly depressed (as I am now) I do have trouble sorting through things.

One of the lines I like about a work boundary: Procrastination on YOUR part does not constitute an emergency on MY part!

[kimmydawn]

zh,

thank you for posting this! i always believed that mine and t's relationship was/is a very healthy client/t relationship, and you've just confirmed that.

after all these years, he and i have gained a mutual respect for one another and can even speak as friends would, and have kept each and every boundary in place. that's a really cool thing to know...and very interesting info as well.

it tells me something about myself and something about t. i knew i had a good one how blessed am i? i've often told him that. he has told me how much i have taught him (sometimes with tearful eyes), and that he appreciates life more and has learned what true strength is, etc., by seeing me. what a wonderful compliment from a wonderful t and person. i respect him as a person and a t that much more thanks to your post. also, i'm a little proud of us for maintaining our part

thanks again! good info!

kd

[Maya]

Thank you for this post - I look at the list of client unhealthy boundaries and I have about half of them - my T comes out perfect! This has given me a lot to think about and something I am going to discuss with my T this next week when I go. I agree this should also go to the psychotherapy forum for discussion.

[Rapunzel]

Zen,

Thanks for this! I've asked at least three people for information along these lines just in the last few days, and none of them have been able to give me any really clear guidelines, telling me that it comes down to a judgement call. What my T said about it was helpful, but not clear-cut at all.

My question was about self-disclosure in a professional setting. I have a Head Start parent I am trying to work with, who has been hesitant (or outright refusing) to talk to us or accept services for her daughter. She feels like she is being judged and people keep telling her all these things that she isn't doing well enough. When I told her that I had been there and felt like that too, she agreed to meet with me. Now I'm wondering where to draw the line in terms of further self-disclosure should it come up. Lately, my boundaries have tended to be too loose, so I've been worried about the possibility of disclosing too much, and have been looking for a rule or something so that I can avoid crossing the line. What my T told me (and she also applied it to her relationship with me) was that it's ok to self-disclose if a client asks a direct question and you are comfortable answering it, and it serves some purpose that is helpful to the client (not shifting the focus away from the client in order to tell one's own stories).

With friends (or on message boards like this one) it's different, since it is a mutually supportive relationship, not a unidirectional one, so turn-taking is appropriate. Still, a lot of this information can be applied. It does get confusing knowing where to set healthy boundaries here, since sometimes we are helping others and other times we are asking for help, and we are all members of this group, not therapists. I try to keep in mind what the objective is when I post here, whether it is to ask for help or to support someone else, but still, I think that self-disclosure is more appropriate here than it would be in a professional relationship, and I'll tell my own experiences quite a lot. It does seem to help to know that someone else has been through similar things sometimes. I hope so anyway, since pretty much all of my secrets are here somewhere if anyone wants to find them and read them. But I still need to watch out for using my replies to others as a way to ask for help for myself. My apologies for that.

You know, I always thought that I tended to have boundaries that were too tight, and I have loosened them considerably in the last couple of years, but I have realized that my boundaries have probably always tended more towards too loose than too tight.

[Mahali]

This is very good information for all to have. I read it with great interest.

Thanks for the chance to think.