just needing to know who's the abnormal one

Hi everybody,

Hope the holidays were decent for all. I got absolutely nothing I wanted, and the one thing I needed, I researched features, priced it at several stores, and told the party in question exactly where they could purchase it at the best price. And they still couldn't follow directions. I'm trying not to be bitter, spirit of the season, lucky I have people to give me things, blah blah blah, but GEEEEEZE -- I have this thing about not getting heard (it's basically the central theme of my life), and that just really pointed it up.

Anyway, here is the weird thing. My dad was in the Navy for 23 years. He was a fighter pilot in Korea and did 3 tours in Vietnam. He retired from the Navy when I was 3 and although he worked for an airline from then on, he never set foot in a cockpit again.

My mom brought my sister and I a poster she'd had made of a picture from my Dad's navy days. It is dated Sept. 12, 1965, which means I was 4 months and 27 days old. The picture is of my dad's plane malfunctioning on takeoff from the aircraft carrier. The plane is in a straight vertical line, plunging into the ocean. One guy was killed. My dad (copilot) and the pilot had to be rescued and helicoptered to a hospital in the Philippines.

My sister thinks this picture is great. My mother sees nothing wrong with it. I totally cannot understand why anyone would think I would like a picture of a day my father almost died, a day that would have meant I would have grown up without him. He died 5 years ago from cancer and I *STILL* am not over that -- aside from the whole adoption thing with my son, my dad's illness and death was the most traumatic event of my life. I still grieve for him, I still dream about him, etc.

Does anybody else think that's an appropriate picture to be giving your children? Or is my whole family just whacked and I'm the normal one?

Candy

Is it possible that your Mom is just showing how precious life can be, and wanting you and your sister to hold it close as long as you have it?
It is abit strange but be happy you have him near
Reah

I think you're the normal one, Candy.

To me, that pic would also bring images of things that could have happened, much sooner. I would not like to be reminded of an accident that almost was.

The only good thing about the holiday was my son and watching him. Today is his b-day and one of his gifts is a combo board game: chess/checkers/backgammon. I'm teaching him the fine art of chess - my favorite board game.

Take care.

Candy, I still have issues with feeling that I'm never heard. It sure is frustrating! As for that picture, I sure wouldn't want it if MY dad had been in it, at least, not in a poster! It might be nice to have so that you could show your grandkids what your dad survived, but if I was going to make a poster, I'd rather have it of some wonderful event in his life. Maybe your dad getting his Purple Heart?

Candy, in MY book, you're the normal one.

Gee Candy, this sounds rather weird to me, too. I'm sorry that the full intent of the gift is still unknown to you, the recipient!

And I sure know about not getting what you want. So now, for the new year, you go right out and get what it was you wanted! You can't say you didn't warn 'them' LOL

Candy,

I think that the picture could be viewed in a few different ways...

As the daughter of a 23 year marine who served two terms in Nam, I'm very proud of his service and have pictures of him, letters that he'd written to mother while there, etc. I don't know, I think it could be viewed by me as major survival and he was meant to survive...if he weren't so ill (he's losing his battle with cancer).

However, with his death so near, I would think now a picture like that would majorly bother me. It's not a testament to his survival anymore, because he's not surviving. does that make any kind of sense?

I agree with you. If your father were alive and it was something he wanted given to you, it would make a huge good statement. However, since he's passed and you're still dealing with that, I find it inappropriate. Maybe some day you'll look at it differently? I agree with your not finding comfort in that pic.

for instance, after my MIL passed, her best friend gave my hubby a picture of her when she was ill. it disturbed him so much! he gave it to me to put away and hasn't looked at it since...and it's been almost 3 yrs.

((((((((((((((( candy ))))))))))))))))

take care,

kd

I too agree that it is an odd gift and do not know what your Mom meant by giving it to you. Not being emotionally attached to the picture, i would have to look at it not as my Dad's almost death. I would see it as a miracle that he survived. Maybe your Mom sees it as a way of showing you that he was a hero.

Have you asked your Mom why she gave you this as a gift? She may or may not know, but it couldn't hurt to ask.

Just my $.02.

Kimmy, we had our problems when I was a kid, but as adults I had a fantastic relationship with my dad. I always respected his service and thought he was a hero, too. I'm glad he survived the hell of wars to be part of my life. I have a framed picture of him on a shelf at home, and I look at that every day and tell him I love him, and that's how I want to remember him. I don't want to know how many times he almost died. It's bad enough he's gone now.

I guess I will take it home and stuff it in a closet? It would cause more trouble than it's worth to refuse it outright. I can't imagine a day I will ever want to look at it and think positive things about it.

Oh well. By early tomorrow afternoon I'll be back in my own space and it will all be over........

Thanks for the support, guys.

Love, Candy

I think that maybe it was a great picture for your sister, but maybe your mom should have given you a different picture, if she knew you well enough that the picture she gave you upset you. I personally would have liked it, then again my dad is a goofball and wouldn't want anyone to be sad all the time. *hugs* I'm not saying it's wrong OR right!

Hi Candy,

Not being heard -inappropriate (trigger) gifts - yes it's all so familiar.

When we don't have a grounded relationship with a parent we hear the inner voice to crying out "You're not listening" - " You keep getting me so wrong!"

I guess that's why we post here, to get some emotional contact. I know how much it hurts when a parent can't give us that.

I'm not fully recovered yet, but I do know that dwelling on unfulfilling relationships is a recipe for continuing depression - because that's what happened to me. When I started thinking about the good relationships in my life, then I was on the mend.

It's good to share, and to get some validation. I think you are quite right to feel that this photograph triggers you and hurts you. It's such a shame that your mother can't understand how you feel and why.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen