[h0kie]

I'm trying really hard to relate to you. I am not pretty...actually, by American standards I am the opposite of pretty.

I, too, was teased mercilessly through school. Even now, there are times I walk by people and I can hear the whispering. Sometimes, when I am feeling down, I avoid going to public places. The mall is the worst...little teenage punks with too much time on their hands...lol I go into work each day wondering which innocent child will hurt my feelings today.

I have met many people online and once I send them a picture...I never hear from them again. That being said...I just have to see it as their loss. I'm trying to think of a way to help you because I feel like we are in the same boat to a point.

I am extremely fortunate to have met a great man and gotten married. I met him online and we talked for several weeks before I sent him a picture. That way...I was pretty sure I knew how he'd react...though I still worried he might disappoint me. Luckily, he didn't.

I have a friend in the same boat as me. She's met several people online and it's worked out well. Have you tried online relationship websites? I don't know. I'm trying to figure out why we're in the same boat...yet, I've decided to make the best of a bad situation and you are having a harder time doing that.

Please PM me if you think I can help you. I would love for you to experience happiness...even just for a while.

[Isolated_Guy]

You didn't have to start a post just for me! That's nice. At the rate I've been getting all these warm replies, I should change my name. Anyway, I've already given up on the hope of ever meeting a woman. I don't want to keep bringing it up but if you go to my profile and see my first post, you'll understand. Your kind thoughts are appreciated. ..... Gary

[h0kie]

I've read your posts. Pretty much all of them And I want to box your ears sometimes.

I believe (and I could be wrong...it's happened before once or twice) that you have to love yourself before you can find someone else to love you. Easier said than done, right? Like I said...I really want to give you some sound advice...but I'm at a loss.

I've been writing things and deleting them because nothing comes out right. lol

[Isolated_Guy]

I know I'm sounding like a broken record here but it's the chicken and the egg question. I don't buy the notion that a person can simply decide to have self confidence and there it is. It goes along the same lines as people telling those of us with depression to "just snap out of it." My opinion is that self confidence is the result of how you've been treated by others. And here I go again saying this but, unfortunately, the main factor in determining that is one's appearance. Scientific studies have confirmed this. Even the youngest babies have been shown to have better responses to pictures of attractive people, as opposed to less attractive ones. Beauty is so much more objective than we want to think.

BTW, 1dayatatime. If you were really as unattractive as you claimed, you'd not only be single but completely alone.

i just wanted to add my own thoughts about this....
first go check out my photo in the member gallery.
.....................
pretty right?
well, even though you see me as pretty, i lack self confidence. i was shy as a kid, picked on, and mistreated. my dad has been over critical of me all my life... i look in the mirror and i am disgusted! i see flaws that arent noticable to others..
and by the way, i am single.
my brothers, on the other hand, both have women in their lives who are not all that attractive. one is married to an average looking girl, (you might rate her a 6 when she's all dolled up) and they are happy! ..........the other bro has a girlfriend he has been with for more than 2 years, who is very overweight, and unattractive. but they are also happy.
im starting to ramble now....
my point to all this?!.... "pretty" will not solve your self confidence problem.

[h0kie]

I agree with Candy.

I'm maintain, I'm not attractive. My husband finds me attractive (I try not to ask why). I believe I have the choice to believe the bad things people say about me, or to believe the good. I choose good.

It sounds like we had a similar childhood. I had parents who loved me and a family that loved me. School was harder. I joined band and choir...I found true friends in these organizations that were great people that overlooked my physical appearance..or loved me in spite of it.

Generally, I believe people are good. This is my choice. It's a curse at times. I was also taught, "don't put yourself down...there are enough people who will do that for you". Cliche, I know.

This is where we diverge in thinking. I refuse, (REFUSE) to allow myself to use my appearance as an excuse. I believe you teach people how to treat you. One medical study...or even several, will not convince me of anything. If you enter every situation, expecting the least of people...chances are, they won't disappoint you.

I choose to view people from the insides. The kind of person they are. Do I notice if they are pretty? Sure. I won't be as asinine as to say I don't "see" people's appearance (like those who say I don't "see" color). I do. I simply choose not to allow physical appearance to dictate my perception of someone's true...inner beauty.

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

I'm off now...lol

[krzyk101]

OOPS! guess I made a mistake and mistook this as being an inroduction from Isolated Guy himself. I will have to search for that one, Seems I have accidently stumbled upon a thread which appears to be that of a private message format?

[saudade]

With all due respect, my understanding of Isolated Guy's main issues can be split in two: love and sex.
The physical part, that's what I want to talk about.

May I suggest that you consider using sex workers to help your physical self... Or should I say, dare I suggest.
There are wonderful professionals out there who are caring and loving and I wonder if you've ever given yourself that kind of pleasure.

Sex can be a source of altered states of the mind, for better or worse, and since you highlighted the physicalness of your situation, I thought I might as well introduce loveless sex into this conversation.

Sex has become such a taboo issue since the Aids epidemic, yet I can't separate it from my depression/anxiety.

Hope it helps a bit and that I'm not offending anyone - not my intention.

Peace

p.s. one of my most beloved friends in the world is convinced that he's the master monster of ugliness. he met someone online, though, and they've been living together for years. he's like real tall and real fat and all. i find him beautiful, though, and so does his gf. maybe there's a light that never goes out.

wow, i never thought i'd see a post like that, but there it is!
i love the colorfulness of the human species... how different we all think... it is great.

[Isolated_Guy]

Saudade, your honesty is so refreshing! I think we need more of that. I'm not sure if you refer to a sex therapist or a call girl. Either way, I've thought about maybe going to both over the years but decided not to. From what I understand anyway through what I've heard from experiencs of friends or all I've read, I do agree sex doesn't have to always go hand in hand with love as long as both people doing the act are on the same level and one isn't misleading the other. In my opinion, the belief that sex can only be with "love" is a common denial of the fact that we are only human. Anyway, if any woman is going to give me a sexual experience, I want to know it's not becase I have to pay for it but because she finds me attractive. After almost 43 years, I can say such a thing is impossible and having to live like this really is torture. Again, thank you for bring up something so thoughtful. ....Gary

[forgottenmom]

There are people out there to whom looks don't mean anything. I know, I am one of them. There is nothing I can say to prove that, so you'll just have to take my word for it, which is unlikely, but I wanted you to know that.... If you give up you are condemning yourself to lonliness, while appearing to condemn the rest of the human race for prejudice.

[saudade]

Please, don't deny yourself the pleasure.
You can't make a woman fall in love with you overnight, but you can enjoy sex that you pay for. Sexual pleasure is a gift and you deserve to present yourself with it.
The money involved means nothing when you can experience the delight of having your physical needs satisfied. On top of it, sometimes the greatest treat is to not to have to start dating a random person just because you had sex with them.

:-)

[Isolated_Guy]

All the women who have told me looks don't matter seem to not live up to that statement when push comes to shove and THEY choose someone. I'm sorry, I don't buy the "looks don't matter" notion and never will. It's just one of many conditioned denials which confort us. Saudade, I can't tell you enough how good it is to hear this kind of sincere (unedited) expression. Another problem is that I'll end up in the poor house if the only way I can have sexual contact is to pay for it. I don't know. At this point in my life, maybe it's just as well I don't know what it's like. With all my anxiety, I'd probably be so bad at the whole sex/love thing anyway.

[snowflake_48888]

I dont know what to say, except that I feel bad that you have felt all this rejection and sorrow. Please don't give up on yourself or someone to love. Love does come in different forms, including the physical aspect. The most important is the love you feel in your heart. You will find lots of that here.

[forgottenmom]

There is one more thing I have to say about your situation Guy, Unless they actually said to you "I can't see you anymore, it's your looks" you can't know that that's why it didn't work out. We all project our insecurities on rejection. It seems possible to me though that your negative attitude about some things might have something to do with it also. I'm not picking on you, I'm simply pointing out that there are tons of reasons why things don't work out...

[Isolated_Guy]

Forgottenmom. Thanks for the reply. What do you mean by "didn't work out"? I'm not sure what you mean.

[forgottenmom]

You said " All the women who have told me looks don't matter seem to not live up to that statement when push comes to shove and THEY choose someone." that's what I meant

[Isolated_Guy]

Oh OK. I thought you meant actually going on a date or getting a relationship started and then things go bad. Never even made it that far. But yeah, the negative attitude doesn't help. On one hand, I see that but on the other hand, it's hard not to be that way at this point in life.

[Wants2Fly]

Yes, Isolated, it is very, very hard not to be negative when things don't turn out the way we want.

I visited my mom for a week at Christmas. Most time I've spent with her in @ 20 years. And I realize why. Constant stream of negative talk about everything that's awful and not as good as it used to be. I've been consciously working to change that for more tan 20 years. still have a lot of negative self-talk. It gets me down, gets others down. Now that I see what my legacy is, I can see how far I've come.

Other facts have been brain biochemistry, physiological sources, and situational factors. I do what I can on all front -- CBT, meds. Don't take as good care of the physiological self-care I as might.

What plans to do you have to work on yourself to change?

[Isolated_Guy]

This is something which can't be changed. We can't change the laws of nature.