The correct response to anger and frustration

Is there one? Today the oldest daughter(20) started yelling at her mom in our bedroom and i was so angry! My gf took the day off work cause she is really sick and then she gets yelled at by her daughter for not feeling well enough to do some chore. Im always told holding in anger is a bad thing. From experience expressing it is a bad thing too tho. I shook my head and she noticed and made some snotty remark. I told her to get out of my room and my heart almost exploded. So now im even MORE angry. So what is the right answer? Holding it in supposedly is part of the problem of my crazyness. Expressing it tho makes me feel a million times worse. I dont even regret anything i said but the stress of actually saying something was just awful.

So what would have been the mentally healthy way to handle things. Here is the situation. My girlfriend calls out sick today(im sick too) and we just were sickly sitting around. Earlier in the day the youngest wanted her mom to do this one thing for her and gf had to explain that she really was feeling sick and in a lot of pain. The youngest has her tantrum anyway. Im having a particularly bad day so im hiding in the bedroom and the oldest walks in and starts lecturing my gf like she is the mom. I shake my head and she makes a snotty remark. Now what i did was basically say go away and dont come back. Lol i think i actually did say and dont come back as she was leaving. If i was sane what is the proper response when she made the snotty comment from noticing me shaking my head(i think she said "im not talking to you" or something like that, which isnt so bad but it was her trademark when she was a teen). What i really wanted to say was full of evilness and manipulation. Something like "You know i get nervous around arguing, im already hiding in my bedroom instead of out in the living room. Cant you have some consideration for me?" or words to that effect but of course during the panic of the situation my mind doesnt come out that clean. Least i didnt say the things that i know hurt and have the urge to use. Im proud of that at least.

What are some things i can do to not totally freak out when arguing is happening in front of me and there is no escape? Like today the kid was standing in the door and there is no place to hide better than my own bedroom anyway. I didnt wanna have to push past her as i was so pissed and im so much bigger i didnt feel comfortable doin that. If there is a huge fight goin on i feel like im about to break down and either start bawling or destroy every human in a 7 block area. My adrenaline starts pumping so hard and my heart beat follows suit. I have trouble thinking and my breathing gets shallow and its even hard to keep talking. I need some kind of way to escape from the moment tho or i am goin to lose it big time and be here posting how i told the oldest kid she was every horrible name in the book. I even try to release the anger afterwards by writing but even that doesnt work sometimes. I had the idea of stabbing out my ears with a pen but im pretty sure that would get me a one way ticket to the state psych hospital. For ways to cope healthy unhealthy anything that works is good enough.

you know what works for me Shaymus

I keep an even tone everytime I speak. A person doesn't have to raise their voice to get a point across. I think if maby you work on your comunication skills and don't worry so much over the oppinion of others. You sound like your in a tough possition but you need to work on resolving your possition before your mental heath gets worse.

Good luck
Jacqui

Holy crap Shaymus! What a brilliant line of exploration you are in just now! What kindness and love you carry for your family!

K. 'nuff gushing, I guess, but that was a truly beautiful post.

I'm aware of two distinctly differing views on responses to feelings of anger. The view that insists upon full expression for every twinge of anger leaves me none the wiser, personally, so I will talk about it from another angle.

Disclaimer: If this was a PM between myself and Shaymus, I would feel confident that he understood me in terms of offering another view. For those of you who don't know me, please do not mistake what follows for something I presume to be the final word on the subject. ie: if expressing anger helps you, great. But it isn't helping Shaymus, and I'm going to address that with my own experience. K? K.

For myself I have found anger to be a secondary emotion to something more challenging to express. Most often it is sadness wearing the mask of anger. Anger makes me feel strong in the moment, and sadness makes me feel weak. Absent a concious decision to examine the feelings, I naturally gravitate toward the feeling that makes me feel powerful.

But when I give anger its expression, my anger increases. Ironic, yes? And then, someone is hurt, and the underlying sadness is compounded. The cycle goes on.

The scenario you descibe seems to illustrate that transaction rather well. As you said yourself, "So now I'm even more angry."

But let's take another look at what you wanted to say but didn't, what you called an even more evil and manipulative response, about how you feel around arguing and that you were already hiding in the refuge of your bedroom, etc.

I suspect if you had said that, you would have probably burst into tears in the same instant. I can not for the life of me find anything evil or manipulative in that response, had you made it. That is the truth of what you were feeling. But that is a vulnerability too. Is this making sense?

I'm not suggesting that you become a mush ball and simply cry like a baby whenever you feel angry, but at the same time, with your family at least, you may have to live through the experience of that tear burst you fear. The first time you truly yield to the honest expression of sadness, denying it the mask of anger, you will have made a cellular connection inside you that will be permanent. And that my friend, is true power.

You are looking boldly and bravely at the truth of your heart. Keep going. You're so on the trail, you will find it.

One last tip I hope is helpful. Breathe. When that feeling you describe of the adreneline and racing heart seizes you, deep breathing physiologically counteracts that contraction. No thinking required. lol. All that adreneline and shallow breathing is the classic fight or flight syndrome. Thinking is hardly possible at that moment, and not effective anyway. But by breathing deeply, you trump the trick. Simple, and effective.

Shaymus, I can't believe that I am in any way unique to be able to see the love driving this post of yours. If you feel brave, consider showing it to your family. I bet they could all see what i do.

(((((((((((((((((((((( shaymus )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hi Shay,

I used to have your reaction to arguing of any kind. I'd hide anywhere to keep from confrontation. When I could not escape, I would shake so hard that people noticed and I sobbed.

Through meds and lots and lots of counseling I can now take up for myself quite well. There is a book about boundries which helped me so much. I'l try to get the title for you.

It helps you understand that you are a good person and completely justified in your anger and do not have to let people fight around you.

In short, if you have to, write a note to express what you need to say. If you can't hand it to the person, leave it where she will find it and say that you will not, under any circumstances, discuss it with her.

As for what you wanted to say to your daughter; she deserved it and more. You were entirely justified in your thoughts. Truly.

If I can ever help you, just let me know.

January

Shay, I understand that feeling oh so well, and I've come to understand exactly what sqrlb8 was saying. When I do act out in anger, I usually hurt someone and feel worse for my actions. Then comes the fight to hold backl the tears. When I do as sqrl advises (which isn't often as I get so lost in the moment), the breathing for a few seconds calms my head and clears my vision. Then I am able to say what's on my mind in a constructive manner. Sure, it may sting a little for someone else to know that I am upset with them, but that's the way of life. It's better than me snapping, being a Billy Bad ***, and trying to laugh off the way I feel after. Just my experiences.

Ryan

Shay, I applaude you for being so in touch with your insides and for NOT going ballistic...I empathize with you on how it feels to be in or around a confrontation. I used to wish I could disappear. Then when I was married to my ex I found myself starting to feed on the adrenaline both consciously and unconsciously and it almost cost me my life during an "out of control" argument over a plumbing problem. I found myself on the floor in my hallway with my husband sitting on top of me with his hands wrapped around my throat. So ask me now how I feel about escalated anger....I went to anger management to do two things: Learn how to de-escalate a situation so I would not put myself in that position ever again and also to learn what healthy expression of anger/boundary violation is. I was not allowed expression of most anything as a child so as an adult I went to extremes and most of the time it was with the aid of booze, drugs, sex, whatever artificial outside means it took to get past my fear. It has taken alot of change in my life -some of which are going to AA, being in therapy, a divorce, losing acquaintences pretending to be friends, letting down walls, taking risks in the face of failure, being okay with calm instead of chaos, learning how to talk about MY feelings to express myself as opposed to YOUR actions. It is NOT easy in the beginning; it feels like new shoes that don't quite fit cause they need to be broken in....I am still progressing. I will never be perfect but I do not give up and hate myself anymore.
Not having children myself I don't feel qualified to give any "advice" or thoughts on how to handle your girlfriend's daughter's outburst towards your girlfriend. I think some of your actions would depend on what "parenting" rights you have been given and what support you would get from your girlfriend to back you up. There are so many unknowns in the confrontation you described too so.....I will abstain from further ideas.
Take care of you!

Love, hope, and strength,

Tooter (Pam)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Shay}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Given the situation, I think you did great!

Can I share something that hubby and I have practiced for almost 30 yrs. When the kids were at home, they were taught that our bedroom was indeed our sactuary. They were not allowed to just walk in. They had to knock and then ask if they could come in. We reserved the right to tell them to leave if they didn't knock or they came in with an attitude. You and your girlfriend, if both of you feel the same, could make the same call when you're in your bedroom. Hubby and I practice the same thing now that our nest is empty. Usually, when he goes in the bedroom and lays down, I know he's "crawled into his cave" to resolve whatever is bothering him, so I knock before I come in. It works the other way around, too.

Sometimes, when you feel overwhelmed with anger (a secondary emotion), it helps to beat the heck out of your pillow or something soft that won't hurt you or something else. It's okay to get your anger out as long as you don't cause harm, unless, of course, you beat the stuffing out of a pillow or two. LOL That's okay as long as that pillow doesn't have some kind of value to you or someone else. You get the picture!

Walking or stomping up and down the driveway, if you have one, also dissipates that anger. Don't forget to breath deep so that your body maintains the proper amount of oxygen. Deep, slow breathing helps in any situation when you're stressed out.

I hope you feel better soon, guy.

There's that wisdom I was talking about!

PS </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"You know i get nervous around arguing, im already hiding in my bedroom instead of out in the living room. Cant you have some consideration for me?"

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I really don't see anything wrong with that. The only thing I would change is "You know..." "Can't you..." I would change that to "please." But on the whole... nothing wrong with that statement!

Shay, I'm glad that your daughter apologized to you and that the situation is resolved in a way that makes you feel better about your words. Seems to me that it worked out. Thank you so much for sharing.

Ryan

Hey shay, you are awesome! cool stuff to be looking at.