[Taonuviel]

I feel awful. I got left hung out to dry tonight, to face the funding appropriations board alone, without nearly enough information, when one of the advisors said she'd be there - she would have been able to answer the questions. I was so frustrated; my damaged memory wouldn't work, I couldn't give any kind of presentation, I had no idea what to expect. I had to miss part of my senior seminar for it, and will have to again next week when the board will hear it again, since I'm the only officer who has any sort of commitment to our student group. I haven't even seen any of them in the last year! It's just me, the two advisors, and a new member. And I'm just an ordinary officer - not financial officer or president. I felt so embarrased sitting there unable to answer their questions and looking so incompetent. My emotions came up and I almost started crying in front of them; I made it out to a place I could hide it before the tears came but I'm afraid they saw it coming.
I don't want to be responsible for anything anymore, I hate feeling so alone, on my own for anything I try to do. I'm so tired, and my back aches, and I have SO much I have to get done.
And I'm so lonely. I'm in class now, and the people who were at my table have moved to another... they're all conversing so well... and I can't participate when I try. So I'm sitting here alone. Figures.
And I'm triggered tonight looking at a classmate. I hadn't noticed it before... maybe she did something different with her hair, glasses, or clothes... but she looks just like a girl from an incredibly difficult experience I had a few years ago, and I can't stand to look at her. I think she cut her hair. But I feel sick looking... which is so awkward to avoid looking at her.
Augh I feel awful tonight! I want so badly to just give up on everything... all triggered by this stupid event... but it's been building up.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( tao ))))))))))))))))
I am sending you some hugs.

[notz]

Tao,

In any given moment, for any given task, doing your best is all one can do.
I think you did your best. That's what you have to remember. That's always good enough!

[Taonuviel]

I've totally lost any momentum. I needed to finish an application for the internship I want due today by writing up a cover letter, but now I'm so dead on it. I don't know what to do.

[Junerain]

Do you have school counselors? I often cry in front of people, in my opinion it is a human experience we all have Sounds like you are TRYING....and trying counts, in my book Do not worry about the other students, or their opinion of who you are, we all know you here at PC as someone very special, and THAT'S what matters...write us again?

[nightbird]

(((tao)))

You know ... maybe the gift of peace of mind and serenity is what you need presently.

There is nothing wrong with finding a therapist and taking this private, secluded time for yourself... to catch your breath and patch yourself up a bit.

After all, most people who do this... love the progress and relief they find.

Best to you....

Peace and Serenity,
Nightbird

xoxo

[hurtingintn]

[Taonuviel]

I see a T through the counseling center...

[Pomegranate]

Maybe you are expecting too much from yourself? Or have simply taken on too many responsibilities? You sound, among other things, overwhelmed. When I'm overwhelmed I start dropping activities, shortening my "to do" list. Canceling any activities that stress me or are not essential. Perhaps you should put in a call to the school counselor you see and talk to him?

[Taonuviel]

I see my T regularly, just saw him now. Not that we got anywhere...
The only thing I could drop is this student group, and it's really important to me. I enjoy a lot about it. But it's so frustrating that there's no one else participating. So I'm left to cover an area so entirely outside my abilities...
I have so much else going on and I'm so hurt and tired. I really just want to give up on everything... to stop caring, stop being responsible, abandon everything.

[Pomegranate]

Tao I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed and sad. I wish I could make you feel better.

[(JD)]

I'd tell the board that next time, if you haven't already. (That this is outside your knowledge base but you're there because it means so much to you...etc. give the background as to why you're there and no one else is.)

Now, is there anyone else from which you can garner the information you want to present? Were you at all able to write down or remember any of their questions? Maybe you can obtain the answers from the no-show person in case they don't show again?

Have you considered also not showing? Or postponing it until others DO attend with you? Please let the no-show person how impossible it went for you. Having an anxiety disorder/stress etc makes this kind of meeting very, very difficult. Even if you had some answers, you may not have been able to retrieve them just because!



You are no less a person because of this experience. You are still a good person, and while you do feel terrible, it's not. Do your best and move on. Realize that if you didn't suffer like you do, that you would be able to perform like you wish... it's not you...it's the disorder. (You might also wish to tell the board that...how difficult it is for you.)

[Taonuviel]

If they think the group isn't committed then they won't fund us. Not showing or telling them I'm the only committed officer would hinder approval. It's so difficult because we want to do things to get more members, but without enough participation to start with we can't do anything.

It's not that this affects my self-worth, just my self-confidence. I'm so frustrated with my memory damage and so tired of trying for anything. It's so pointless to try!

[Rapunzel]

Tao, you did more than anyone else did. You showed up. You tried. You need to give yourself credit for what you did. I hope that the rest of the officers and advisor will support you better at the next meeting. Use DEAR MAN and let them know what the situation is, how you feel about it, what you need them to do, and how they will benefit from it. All you have to do is do your best. The rest will work itself out.

[(JD)]

Ok. Can you share your plan to gain more members with them? You aren't the first to need more members to have a viable group! Funding is important and that's why they are there. Good wishes!