[parsifal]

My girlfriend may be going to grad school for two years, this fall. This relationship has been my most adult, fulfilling and selfless so far, and it has been wonderful. So, as important as this choice might feel otherwise, with her in particular, it actually feels somehow like it would be a life-affecting decision.

I have been careful not to taint her decision making process, but I know she's thinking about her and I as well.

This issue hasn't really affected things until now, now that she is nearing decision-making time. If anyone can offer any advice or first-hand accounts of things that have happened to them, I would be very grateful. Like I said, this has been a remarkably selfless, "liberating" relationship, and while I don't want to taint it, I don't want to lose it either.

Wow, this sucks. I'd have to say from my experience that in this case honesty is the best policy. I'd let her know how you feel about her and express to her your concerns with this decision. I would let her know that you are supportive of whatever decision she makes. Couple questions if it's ok... first how long have you 2 been together? Also, how far away is this school she's considering going to? If you two are serious about this relationship, two years will behard but do-able. I wish you the best.

[h0kie]

My husband graduated from college 3 years before me. He worked as a grad student at the university where I attended classes for 2 years. However, my 5th and last year, when I was working on my master's degree he had to move to another state to work.

We survived. Was it great. No. But we made it through. If the love and the committment is there, you will be able to make it.

[parsifal]

It is very nice to hear something like that. Thank you for sharing it! It just seems like two years is so long, yknow? So very long. A year even, seems alright in comparison. I mean I have not really talked about this with her much, because I want her to decide what she wants, and I don't want there to be doubt or regret or resentment or anything. But, she has asked me if I'd ever come with her to places, and I said I'd rather she decided on her school first, but she said that she wants to travel for her work regardless, and I said that I would always consider it. But, thinking about it, I think I would go with her. I dunno.. this is such a hard situation -- I don't want to be selfish with my feelings but I do feel I love her.

[h0kie]

A year was a very long time...considering this was about the time he started exhibiting symptoms of his mental illness.

Is she going so far away you can visit? We tried to visit 2 times a month. When the weather got bad, the trips were less, but we still got to see one another. Plus, with school, she will have breaks where you can be together. If she asks how you feel, you should be honest with her. If you're not and she moves away and finds out later, she may resent you then. You know?

Good luck...let me know if I can help you anymore.

I'd have to agree with 1day. If you love her, you really should tell her how you feel, all the while being supportive of her. If she loves you the way you love her, then she'll understand what you're telling her, take it for what it's worth, feel no resentment toward you, and respect you all that much more for being honest and open with your feelings.

[parsifal]

Well the thing is too, I don't want to say anything until after she makes her decision on a school, yknow? Then I'd be fine talking to her about it, and deciding if I'd go with her, etc.

But I was starting to feel better or "more like myself" later this afternoon, and then I brought some stuff to her place and saw her briefly, and I got sad again, yknow? It felt bad and I didnt like it and it felt selfish, but I just want to tell her I'd miss her, or something, I dunno. But I want to get back to enjoying being with her all the time.

[h0kie]

She needs to have all the information to make a good decision though. If she asks you (or has asked you), I think you need to tell her how much you will miss her and your opinion. If you haven't there is also the remote chance that she things you won't miss her.

I'm not saying fall all over yourself and beg her not to leave, but tell her how you feel. Chances are, she knows how you feel. If you continue to bottle things up, it will affect your relationship. Level with her, that's my suggestion.

My husband and I discussed the idea of us living apart a lot before the decision was made. I knew he would miss me terribly (and me, him). However, I was not going to transfer to a new school, with new standards in my last year. It just made more sense for us to live apart.

[parsifal]

Even if she hasn't decided yet? It seems unfair for me to do that; I feel like it is selfish and it can't help but affect her decision, and I want it to be totally her decision.