Seperated from someone who possibly has BPD

I am very new at this...live in an extremely small community and need a little help. I am seperated from my husband who might have BPD. I don't pretend to know whay he has it's just that everything I have read points to that. He wants me then he doesn't....I'm the greatest thing he has ever know....then he hates me....he wants our marriage then he wants a divorce....he knows I am loyal and faithful then he knows I am messing around. This ride is to up and down for me but I am so worried about him and I don't know what to do. I am confused, frustrated, angry, scared and most of all sad.

Kehly, welcome to Psych Central.

Would it be possible for you to suggest that he see a therapist? Or, actually, you could set up an appointment together and ask him to go with you. You can tell him that you are worried about him and about your relationship and need help figuring out where to go from where you are right now.

It would be very hard to live with and love someone who is so up and down like that. It sounds like it's more than you can reasonably expect to fix without professional help, especially if he isn't understanding how this is a problem, but even if he does understand the problem, that kind of change takes treatment and support. Since you're in an extremely small community, that might limit available counseling services though. Do you know what is available? If you need help finding resources, let us know. Maybe we can help come up with some options.

Rap

Thanks Rap,

I live in a really "redneck" mentality town....my husband is a good man....I thought...we have been married for 1 1/2 years and 2weeks after we were married things changed. I thought it was his drinking problem....then came the moods....I thought it was withdrawal because he quit drinking for 7 months....but the moods got worse...I know that I have not handled or reacted to all of this well....I am not a perfect person but I am human and the things that come out of his mouth are indescribable. He's started drinking again....more and more since he literally threw me out of the house and then was very angry at me for actually leaving. I have a brother who is bipolar and I understand to a point about mental disorders....but I am taking all of this very personal and it hurts. He is not the type of man that I could approach on talking to someone...we tried marriage counseling.....she thought he had a narcisism problem...he didn't like that...we quit going. Last night was a really bad fight...really bad....he told me that he was filing for divorce for 20th time this month....now today he's calm and pushing it all on to me...saying this is what I want....how exactly does that work for someone? I don't get. He projects all of this behavior on me and it is stuff that I am not doing, saying or anything....how do I deal with that?

Hi Kehly, your situation is very difficult, you have been a good partner to your husband for trying to work things out, you're trying to get help for him even now, that's amazing to me.
You said that you're seperated from your husband, you also say that you had a serious fight last night. Can we feel secure enough for you in as much as knowing you're not fighting physically with your husband?
There are strong possibilities of your husband pushing all responsibilty upon you, this can be quite dangerous for you. Are you living apart from your husband, if not, do you have anywhere you can stay?
I understand what you're saying about where you live, this can cause even greater problems in terms of seeking help. First and foremost, you must ensure that your physical safety is ensured, you've stated that your husband 'threw' you out of the house.
It does seem that your husband has similar symptoms of a personality disorder, but we are not psychiatrists, we cannot actually answer such questions. Rapunzel's suggestion has significant sensibility, your husband needs to face up to what he is, that's not going to be easy.
My best advice for you would be to ensure your safety and get on with your day to day life. If you want to sort things out with your relationship, then getting your husband to a psychiatrist is the only reasonable avenue to pursue.
I'm sorry that your relationship has turned out this way, life has such a cruel nature at times, take care Kehly......
Fox

Kehly,

It isn't easy to set your boundaries and not take all the stuff that he projects on you. Even if he has a mental disorder, that's no excuse for treating people badly, especially if he is not willing to get treatment. I have personality disorders too, but I still have to be responsible for my own behavior. If he won't change and won't go to counseling, you would probably benefit from going yourself so that you can learn some strategies for dealing with him and/or be able to recover from the way he has treated you.

Good luck and keep yourself safe! Let us know, okay?
Rap

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. First and foremost is your safety. It sounded like he had a drinking problem. I don't know a whole lot about alcoholism but I know my ex had that problem and when he quit he had to go too support groups and AA to deal with it so there is something psychologically there if he never got help for it. Are there other family members involved like his parents or siblings that may be able to also talk too him about seeing a therapist?
HUGS
Cher

Thank you for the replies! I wish I did not feel so confused with all of this. My marriage is ending with a person who I loved more then anyone(besides my kids) before. I know I have my own issues and have been in therapy to help with a previous physical/emotionally abusive marriage....I trusted him and his words and none of it help true. I feel betrayed and at the same time I want to help him. I can only imagine the struggle he has inside his head. One minute he is sorry and the next he's hateful. When he "threw" me out of the house it was physical and it scared me....my thought was..."Oh No...here we go again." That was the only time he got physical and that was enough for me....I left....stayed with a friend and just got my own place. For 7 weeks now....since that night...I have been on overdrive making sure my kids were ok and found a job( I was a stay at home mom) started working right away...and in making sure that everyone around me...including friends...were ok....I forgot about me. Sometimes my own feelings overwhelm me so much that have to swallow so hard to keep them down...silly moments will come up that cause that lump in my throat and I just want to cry...because I had dreams of my life with him that will never come true. I know that I ca't protect him....but I want to...protect him from himself....he is drinking so much that last night he told me that he would probably drink himself to death and that would be ok...he knew that his 2 boys would be taken care of. I think it's game...but what if he is serious? I feel responsible...I have always felt responsible my entire life for everyone"s troubles....that I was the cause....called my old counselor today for an appt....she was not shocked that this has happened...again...in my life. I feel so guarded now against people I know. I'm not sure that I will ever trust anyone again. For everything I have gone through with this man....I still love him....and that makes me angry at me.

Kehly, I can tell you are a very compassionate person because people like you tend to put yourself last and before you know it you are at the point of exhaustion. I think getting a job for yourself was a positive step in the right direction. I was a stay at home mom as well when I became seperated and eventually divorced my ex. I had lost everything. One of the first steps in empowerment is to have your very own income. Also the fact you had stepped out of an unhealthy relationship is also another step in the right direction. It is obvious you still love him but don't let that overshadow your goals into taking care of YOU.
HUGS
Cher

Kehly, I've been looking a a website about anger and there is so much good stuff there. One thing is an article about "The Doormat Syndrome." I've been thinking of that site when I read your posts, so here's the link: http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/index.htm

I'm not actually hearing anger in your posts so much as hurt and dismay and wishing that you could help your husband. I see a lot more anger in his actions. I guess it just seems like anger would come along with all this stuff, whether you are expressing it or not. And I find that that site really deals with the underlying emotions too, so maybe it's worth a look.

I'm sorry that he's been acting this way, and I wish that he were willing to change, but I just think you're going to have to take care of yourself and your kids and maybe set an example of acting in a healthy way, and hope that he will find his way too.

Rap

Kehly, I can tell you that you have taken a positive step.
i deeply believe that you 'll deal with it well. Go ahead! and remember the words from Cherybery "still love him but don't let that overshadow your goals into taking care of YOU" in that way,you may find things'll happen in other ways!