Can someone possibly mean it when they say this?

When she broke off contact my friend (who is ill)said it was "her loss" ,that this was happening due to her problems.Can someone say that and be sincere-or is it yet another lie (she told so many in the past)? What I don't understand is,if someone really thought it was "their loss" ,they wouldn't break off contact in the first place would they? Or if they did,they'd regret it? I might be more inclined to believe it if she wasn't obsessed with an online relationship-so clearly she can maintain a relationship.

It sounds as though the "it's me not you" isn't genuine.

I would guess anything is possible--perhaps she feels that she doesnt deserve your attention and friendship?

Maybe she has a problem with dealing with the illness. She might have gone through something in her past with an illness.....sometimes when they have had a traumatic experience like that, they may be afraid to allow themselves back into being that close with someone who they think they will loose????

They think they are protecting themselves from the loss & knowing how much of themselves they put into a past experience.....maybe she is afraid to go through that again.....even though in reality...it may not be anything like her last experience.

I am just providing a possibility....not saying that this is the case either.....but just something to think about.....giving her the benifit of the doubt.

There is usually a reason who someone cuts off a relationship....& it isn't usually to be mean when that other someone is ill.

Maybe if you could talk to her....but then again...maybe it isn't something she even realizes is happening.......

Don't sound like it is even about keeping relationships to me.....don't judge to harshly at first glance,
Debbie

I suppose I'd understand it more if she was breaking off with everyone-but she says she's close to the person she speaks to online,(and has met once)so she can't be so afraid of close relationships.............. although she acknowledges that that's a romantic relationship with no future-she deliberately seems to choose romantic relationships which will fail. (I don't know if that's relevant or not!).

I must say that since i have been 'ill' I have not maintained relationships with lots of people. Its far easier (for me) not getting involved or to interact with people because I feel right now I have no advice or support I can give any one. I think its a low self esteem thing, dont know, wish I did.

Is she not breaking off with the Internet one and breaking up with you? IT could be that she is afraid of actual human contact and closeness IRL (in real life) and may feel more in control on the internet?

Some people do set themselves up to only get "deeply involved" with those who they know they have no real future. It's another avoidance issue, I think. Those that she can "have it all" with then, she won't have.

I have a good friend who is the same way. She's a successful business woman dealing with issues but does well. She will NOT keep a relationship going that can go somewhere solid then will stay in, and chase, relationships that are doomed (men in relationships already for example).

We talked about this and she recognizes this in herself. Since then, she's told others similar to what your friend has because she does very well know it's "her loss" potentially.

I wish you well.

KD

Thanks for the replies-what I don't understand is that we were such close friends before she got ill-much of it at her making-she wanted lots of daily contact,so she did allow herself to get close to me.....................now she seems obsessed with romantic relationships doomed to fail .This current internet one isn't the first in a relatively short space of time.I would have been prepared to "be there" for her as a friend though,long term.She knows that.It's almost as though she deliberately behaved in an appalling way to drive me away.At a time when I was really in need of support she was extremely cold and distant.It makes it very difficult for me to think of approaching her-like I'd be losing my own self respect.I don't know if anyone understands that.?

I am sorry I read your first post wrong.....my post was based on my wrong reading. Reading it again, I am not sure what to say......not sure what her illness is, that might be causing her to make poor judgements. It the long run, it sounds like you might be just better off without her.....& that isn't something easy to do when you have been friends with someone like that.

I know the best friend I had all through school & college & until we got married has just never responded.....our families were also close & never knew how her mother ended up doing & couldn't even get in touch with her when my Mother died. Sometimes we just can't make relationships work....sometimes it is just better to let go. Some people need things to be on their terms & when they have problems, sometimes their terms aren't rational to what normal people would expect. Letting go of our expectations is tough too, & is has to be nice to have close friends.

Hope you can work things out for yourself to be ok with,
Debbie

Sometimes when people are very ill, whether self inflicted or not, they can't handle a in real life relationship. It takes lots and lots of energy to be a good friend. Perhaps she is chasing this romantic relationship because she only has to sit at her desk and type for a little while. That's a lot less work than a irl friendship.

I wish you the very best.

January

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Impala said:
When she broke off contact my friend (who is ill)said it was "her loss" ,that this was happening due to her problems.Can someone say that and be sincere-or is it yet another lie (she told so many in the past)? What I don't understand is,if someone really thought it was "their loss" ,they wouldn't break off contact in the first place would they? Or if they did,they'd regret it? I might be more inclined to believe it if she wasn't obsessed with an online relationship-so clearly she can maintain a relationship.

It sounds as though the "it's me not you" isn't genuine.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Taking into account that she has told you many lies in the past, I would think it is likelier that she could be lying. But it also depends how you guys were getting along before she broke off contact with you.

<font color="#000088">I think Psychee has a point there. That with all the lies she has told you in the past. That it would be difficult for you to tell now when she is telling the truth, or when she is lying again. I wouldn't even play with it. I'd just stay away from her. And just consider the old friendship a learning experience. And just hope that someday she'll get the help she needs, and get well for her own sake. Since obviously you do still care about her well being! But I'm sorry you ended up being hurt in the end. And that you lost a good friend in the process! </font>

Oh dear-I did really wonder if she could be sincere r.I mean,is it possible to care about someone but not make any effort to find out what's going on in their life? How can that be so,when you think about it logically? I think I was stupid to everhope she might be sincere.

((((((((( Impala ))))))))))))

You must understand there is no logic in depression. Most depressed peopled curl into themselves and cannot deal with irl people. They push them away, not because the person does't care, but because the person can't handle what he or she is feeling and there is no room inside for anything more.

I hope this makes sense.

Hugs,

Jan

<font color="#000088">I wouldn't call yourself stupid over it. All you were doing was trusting a friend, that you had once been able to trust before. So it wasn't stupid of you, you were just believing in her, and giving her a chance, just incase she had changed. That's not stupid, people change all the time, and there is always room for change. So giving her your trust as a friend that she may have actually changed, and really mean't it this time. Makes you honorable, and a good friend, not stupid! Unfortunately, she hadn't changed, and it ended up being a learning experience for you. That makes you even smarter now!
Sometimes our learning experiences don't always feel good, but we still learn from them!
((((((((((Impala))))))))))
J</font>

if you friend is very ill, maybe she is doing this to protect you. maybe she would rather leave you now and let you grieve the loss of a friendship instead grievng the loss of the friend herself. idk, dont really know the situation but i have seen people do that before when they knew their time was limited. thought they were doing their friends a favor by letting them go and releasing them from further obligation to them.

recluse1

Oh I truly believe it can be true... and I have said it sincerely to many ppl in my life: It's me, not you.

TC

Sky

So,if it's true,surely the person saying it must hope the other person won't accept it,and will fid a way to try again?

I think it takes an enormous amount of energy to maintain any relationship and sometimes people don't have enough and have to "cut back" whether they want to or not. I don't have any problem with someone saying it is they who have a problem with maintaining the relationship but no matter what they say, it is how you feel that is all that matters. It can be a loss to her, doesn't matter if that is true or a lie as you can only deal with/"care" how you feel, not how she feels. If she's ending the relationship (or taking a break or whatever) then she's ending it; not anything you can "do" about that in any event. Take care of yourself, it is the only person you are "allowed" to take care of.

im sorry about the loss of your friendship impala. truly i am because i know how much that hurts. especially when you cant understand why.
all i can say though is that i have many many people that i got to care a lot about in my life and that i then stopped contacting because of my own issues. im fully aware its my loss totally and their gain whether they know it or not but i just couldnt and cant keep up with them. sometimes some of them contact me out of the blue after a few years and i contact them back once and thats all i can manage even though i still care and would love to find out how they re doing and become at least a little involved in their lives again.
i think if this person was someone you felt you could be friends with then she is probably not a bad or hurtful person but more likely someone who is hurting and confused and dealing badly and has thus hurt you in the process. that doesnt mean you need to make the effort to be there for her regardless of how shes treated you because if you practice good self care maybe backing off and acknowledging that it truly is her issue and nothing to do with you or who you are or even the relationship you two had might be the best option. otherwise you could also look at whether you think there is something about you or how you acted that might have caused her to stop the friendship and then work on that issue for yourself so you develop positively as a person. whatever way you choose to go though, my belief is that you will only be able to deal with this if you make it about you and not about her. because you cant change her and what we cant change we must accept. once you are happy with who you are and how you acted and are therefore secure in yourself as a good and worthy person then it can become about helping her if you like but until then... self care.
again i do empathise with your pain and these are just my thoughts. quite possibly im way off in them but just in case you wanted my two cents i thought id post!
best of luck in dealing with this impala
take care
biiv

I think I was guilty of caring too much and too genuinely-my friend told me that she knew I cared for her-if she thought I was indifferent to her/not bothered one way or the other about her ,she'd have felt more like she wanted to chase the friendship Anyone know what that's about?

fear of intimacy and closeness is what comes straight to mind. i sometimes get a panicky feeling when i think someone might actually care because i feel under pressure to perform in the relationship when that happens and i know i ll fail. i guess that could be one reason. though im sure there are countless other possibilities.

That makes some sense Biiv-my friend told me many times that she struggles with close/intimate relationships...............thing is,she was doing fine with it-in fact I'd say she instigated the closeness, ,then she became ill.............

perhaps becoming ill triggered the issues from her past that cause her to struggle with relationships? i know for myself i often seem to be 'getting over' some issue i have only for it to jump up and bite me again, especially if something happens to trigger old feelings.
i hope you can find some peace for yourself with this impala, with or without her as a friend.