I wrote to Dr Phil about my mother!

01:10 PM

Finally, at the end of my rope with her, I decided to write to Dr Phil and ask him for help, as I *love* Dr phils no-fuss attitude to things. here is what I wrote:

Quote:

I am at the end of my rope.. and I do not know what to do.

Let me give you some history.

My mother, who is my mother through adoption not by blood, has a long history of mental health issues. She also has had menengitis 8 times from the time she was a child until she was 28. She had a hole in her inner ear that led to the lining of her brain, which was allowing the infection to enter the body easily. They finally found it at age 28 and closed it, and the infections stopped. However, it is thought that she probably has a slight amount of brain damage from the infection and fevers.

When I was a child, my mother was physically and verbally abusive, my father was abusive in all ways. My father has been out of our lives since I was 12. I myself was taken away from my mother at age 12 for protection reasons. I went on to be made a ward of the court due to those same protection issues.

I can remember my mother threatening to drink javex when I was as young as 3 years old. I remember her putting it to her lips and saying she was going to kill herself if i didn't behave. This traumatized me so so much. Since then, my mother has threatened suicide many many times has acted on that threat a few times, and is generally violent when angry. The last attempt she jumped out of a moving vehicle, grabbed a rock, and tried to split her head open, and had to get stitches. The doctors did not keep her, even though they were made aware that she was suicidal, the family was told to just "leave her alone"...

Now - fast forward to two years ago. I was living in a nearby city and became pregnant.. I was in an abusive relationship with a cocaine addict, and I decided to GET OUT. Therefore, i moved home to the country where my mother and my family live, so that I could raise my child with help as a single mother. I too, have my own mental health issues including decently severe anxiety/panic attacks and depression, and decently severe PTSD from my childhood.

From then on, because my mother and i live right beside each other, i saw more of her than I had seen since I was a child. And i do need her help, as I have fibromyalgia, DDD, and two curves in my spine plus I am overweight. I have a hard time moving around some days and the exhaustion kills me.

She continues to threaten suicide on a daily basis. She becomes so angry that she screams and scares her 14 month old grandson. She refuses to stop cursing and swearing and yelling around him, saying that I dont listen to her so why should she listen to me. The other day she smashed a glass ornament in front of him which could have easily have broken and hurt him. She will come into my house where I state no yelling, no cursing, and only positivity around the baby, and she will do whatever she feels like and then tell me to "watch it" if i try to ask her to not do those things.

She also seems to twist things to her liking. For example, her way of remembering events or things that happened tends to ALWAYS be in her favor, whether or not that is true or not.

Also about the memory - on a daily basis, sometimes 8-10 times a day on bad days, I will have to help her find items or things she has lost within the house. We cannot go shopping or go anywheres without her forgetting something. She often forgets to wash her hair, for days on end, and she ends up having poor hygeine because of it. When i mention it to her she becomes enraged and angry.

She also repeatedly hits herself in the head, face, stomach, arms and belly, sometimes with objects, sometimes with just her hand, when angry. She does this around me, downtown in our neighborhood, and also in front of her grandson, my son. He is growing more and more afraid of her as time goes on. It is getting so that I cannot go anywhere with her because people will stare and make comments.. its really sad. I feel like I have no mother at all and am taking care of a 10 year old.

I have contacted her doctors, the rest of our family, and they just tell me because she has brain damage i should just leave her alone. Well I beleive that i deserve a mother that is healthy, and my grandson deserves a grandma who is not terrifying him and harming his mental health by her actions.

Talking to her myself has not worked - whenever someone suggests that she may be less than well, or what she is doing is not right, or anything like that, she flies off the handle screaming that if everyone would just leave her alone she would be fine. She states there is nothing wrong with her, that it is everyone else who has the issue. She sees nothing wrong with any of the things she has done. I have had to throw her out of my apartment repeatedly as i refuse to have that influence around my son.. i grew up with many mental health issues because of the way she treated me and i refuse to allow that to happen to my son as well.

I am desperate to find her help, to find someone who can make her see that the way she is acting and feeling is NOT normal. That she NEEDS help, be it medications, therapy, or perhaps even an appointment with a neurologist and screening for dementia. She is getting worse with each passing week, and it is soon going to come to the point where I have to give up, take my son away, and move away from her and never speak to her again. It is not what I want to do but I will if i have to.. for the sake of my son I would do anything.

The way she is degrading,within a year or two if she does not get help she will be either dead or stuck in a nursing home. I don't want to see that for her.

Yesterday she received a notice from her and my landlord that if the landlord receives one more complaint about her yelling, hitting things, and generally acting out both inside and outside the apartments, she will be receiving her three month notice to move out. I knew that this was coming, for some time now. I am not surprised at all.

The thing is, if she doesn't have some help to learn emotional regulation, self control and life skills and relationship skills, she is going to lose absolutely everything. She is going to lose her friends, her family, and most importantly, her time with her grandson and myself. CPS has already said she is NOT allowed to have her grandson alone, and she is close to losing supervised visits as well.

Please Dr phil, I implore you and the show, even though I am from Canada, if there is ANYTHING you can do to help.. i want to have a great mother. I want my mother to grow old being happy, not being this way.. I dont want to have to watch her suffer and degrade on a daily basis. I dont want to have to keep asking her to leave because she is disrespectful. The rest of the family seems to just ignore her and hope she goes away. She complains constantly about why noone calls or visits, but it is because of her behavior that noone comes.. they cannot stand to be around her because of all of this and she is abusive around their children.

Again, i implore you, help us if you can. I am just a single mom who is somewhat disabled and cannot work right now..and I don't have the means to force her to get help as the family will not back me as they think she should just be left alone.. well, I could do that but I fear that she will end up in an early grave. She is only 56 years old.. she is not near the end of her life yet. But she is extremely mentally ill and desperately needs help to sort things out. Here are a list of pyschiatric issues I saw and documented, if that will help:

Depression-upsets easily over small things
not sleeping properly
constant suicidal thoughts and statements
self injry -hits self repeatedly in the face, stomach and head
stabs self repeatedly with objects like pill bottle, crochet hook
states would be better off dead,life is horrible, worse than everyone else's life, noone helps her or cares about her
negative self talk, low self esteem
gravitates toward men and gets attached to men who take advantage, harm her, for example was talking about a man constantly as if they were together, who called her 3 times, each while drunk and who has told her via a letter he is not interested. She is still speaking as if in fantasy about how they will be together.
Anxiety
obsessive about money, to the point where she will threaten suicide and self harm if she cannot figure it out or has spent too much or ,lost a small amount
obsessive about cleanliness to the point where she will rip out her hair or self harm if something is slightly out of order
gets upset with the baby when he puts something out of order, no matter how small - could be just knocking over an ornament
loses control of self when anxious, extreme rage, hits things, self, lashes out at others verbally usually when has no control over environment around her.
anxeity and depression when she loses things, which happens every hour or so, sometimes more often - also when getting ready, when trying to plan or when unable to plan for things that come up.
very specific ways of doing things daily, such as methods of cleaning,ways of dealing with things. When this pattern is disrupted she becomes enraged and suicidal.

Memory seems to be affected, forgets things multiple times per day, and becomes very upset to the point of self harm and hitting things.
loses things even when put in specific place or put away
forgets things every time at store or in car, persistant forgetting of things or losing things.
has definetly increased in amount of forgetting in last 1-2 years

Does not appear to have much self control or emotional regulation

hits self repeatedly both when alone and when in public or in the presence of relatives
breaks things and then blames it on the fact that others made her mad, has suggested person who angered her should replace objects.
in the past has attempted suicide by hitting skull repeatedly with a rock, jumped out of moving car. Dr chow stitched up her skull, was informed that this was a suicide attempt and did NOTHING. Did not refer her for counselling, or hospitalize her for observation even though it was clearly a suicide attempt.

refuses to cease screaming, hitting self/objects, threatening suicide in front of the baby even though she has been cautioned by childrens aid
Childrens aid have now barred her from being alone with jeremy completely, as she has had a major breakdown in front of the worker the other day. May not be allowed around baby at all soon, is currently being discussed.

Asserts that there is nothing wrong with her behavior, that she is fine, that nothing would be wrong if everyone in baddeck would just leave her alone, relatives, people she deals with at work, people who are friends.
Constant putting others down, complaining never ceases,states she is better than everyone else and everyone else should learn from her.
States that the people in her life would be better off if they allowed themselves to lose control like her
calls relatives down and talks poorly of them, giving examples of how they are no good and she is better than them
alternates from thinking extremely highly of self, to thinking the absolute worst of self.
moods seem to change hourly sometimes more throughout the day, although I have noticed cycles of a longer nature
recently has stated would kill those who anger her, has planned how she would do it, specifically ex husband. Has said she would hunt him down and kill him except for the fact that she would lose her money. She said that if she could keep her money, she would find a way to do it.

Other than this, she presents in an unstable manner almost all the time. I just spoke with her on the phone, and she has now said she won't see Jeremy(baby) at all, if she is not able to have him alone. I told her there is nothing that I can do about this now, she is the one who lost control in front of the worker. I warned her that this was going to happen if she didnt get herself in line.

Dr Phil, robin, crew of the show, please please read this letter, and let me know if you can help or not. I REALLY don't know what to do, and I don't want to slip backwards and get sick again myself, I cannot afford to do that with my son.

I thank you in advance for all the help you can give her or me. She is a person, and she deserves help and support and love...even if i am the only person who seems to think so in this family.

Who knows if it will help or they will respond.. but maybe right? its certainly worth a try anyways.

darkrunner · Apr 29, 2009, 01:56 PM

((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))

I hope you get the result you are looking for.
I'm sorry for all you are going through. Stay strong....

salukigirl · Apr 29, 2009, 02:34 PM

im sorry youre dealing with this but honestly, dr. phil is not a dr. he has no license to pratice psychiatry in any state in the u.s. or canada and has actually had his license revoked. and 30 mins to an hour on a tv show will not give you the answers you, or your mother, need. for problems like this there has to be long-term, ongoing therapy. and i hate to say it but dr. phil is just out for the publicity and the money.

i really hope something gets resolved because relationships shouldn't be like this but i implore you to look elsewhere. he is just giving you common sense, quick-fix answers that wear off in 2 weeks.

jbug · Apr 30, 2009, 02:20 AM

Rain,

Wow what you have to deal with is hard. I don't know how you deal with it.

I hope he can help you I have seen the way he helps people and I hope he can help you. I know he says he is there to champion for kids and that you put in there about how it is affecting Jeremy should help.

Jan

Maven · Apr 30, 2009, 02:37 AM

Good luck with that. I'm no Dr. Phil fan. I watch his show sometimes, if the topic is interesting, but he often bullies and belittles guests, and he fills a lot of the time that could be spent talking with repeated statements (just said in different ways). Just yesterday, he told a guy who is into ghost hunting that he didn't believe in it (which is fine), and that was why he was "having fun" with it, after making jokes about the guy's hobby. I'm not saying Dr. Phil was wrong in that the guy needed to either turn it into a money-making venture (since the focus of the show was about people who needed to solve money issues, or in the last case, did solve their money issues), or find some way of bringing in some income, but he didn't have to make jokes about the guy's beliefs like that. I'm skeptical of ghost hunting, but I'd encourage the guy to do what he loved.

KathyM · Apr 30, 2009, 06:46 AM

Hi Rainbowzz

I suspect your mother would be very humiliated to have her personal problems aired on TV for entertainment purposes. I don't see how it could possibly improve your relationship with her. If she has brain damage due to the meningitis, I don't think it's possible to "bully" her into behaving the way you would like her to behave.

I grew up having a depressed, suicidal and abusive mother too. We tried everything to fix her, but nothing worked. Even after she was properly diagnosed as having familial amyloidosis, her behavior never changed. She became worse when the dementia began to appear.

My mother never held my son or cared for him physically either, though I know she desperately wanted to be a "real" grandmother to him. Instead, we had to be the ones who cared for her. She was ungrateful, mean and bitter until the day she died in 1991.

I was diagnosed with familial amyloidosis in 1996. I vowed to myself I would NOT become like my mother, but fate had other plans. My son is now 25. I love him with all my heart and desperately want to be a "normal" mother, but it's just not possible. The harder I try, the worse it gets.

Instead of making this a TV episode, would it be possible for the two of you to attend private counseling together with a real doctor or professional counselor?

Apr 30, 2009, 02:11 PM

Yeah, I know.. its just I have no other options. No, she refuses to go to a councillor or any kind she says they are all quacks.. except for doctor phil! she loves him and respects him, which is why im kind of hoping he might open a dialogue with her.

I doubt she would be humiliated at being on television because when we are out and about she likes to go on rants to complete strangers about all of our issues in detail. She quite feels she is right all the time, which.. well, simply is not true.

I wasn't so much wanting to be on the show as hoping to get some private advice from him, if possible.

KathyM · Apr 30, 2009, 07:17 PM

((Rainbowzz))

My heart goes out to you. I remember feeling so much anger as a child because mom didn't have what it takes to be a real mother to me. I used to sit in my backyard and watch my twin friends interact with their mother. I desperately wanted a mother like that woman. When I played at their house, I even loved it when their mother yelled loudly at us - she did it with such love and humor.

My mother hated me as much as I hated her because she thought my birth triggered her illness - although at the time it was just called "hypochondria." It turns out the symptoms of this type of amyloidosis begin to appear in the third decade of life - it was just a coincidence I was born during that time. Even after she learned it was amyloidosis, she still blamed and hated me for "ruining" her life.

I was so ashamed of my mother. I viewed her as weak and pathetic.

It would be nice if you could become completely independent from your mom. It was easier for me when I was able to break free completely and care for myself and my son on my own. She had no say on how I lived my life because I was successful. It was easier for me to ignore her insults when I visited and later cared for her.

When she died, my first thought was "Phew, it's finally over." Not really what a daughter should think at such a time, huh?

Over time, I was able to release the anger and shame. When I was diagnosed with her illness, I was forced to "walk in her shoes." I learned more about the details of her life. She lived a nightmare of physical and emotional pain without any support or real love. She was an outcast, and just about everyone hated her. Strangers jeered her - so did we at times.

My anger and shame turned into respect, admiration and love for that mean old woman. I actually miss her insults and erratic behavior. They make me laugh now, sometimes.

Try to love her. Try to accept her, warts and all. I know it's hard - maybe even impossible - but you'll never get the chance to do it in person after she's gone.

I hope you two can work it out. Please give your little guy a hug for me.

nightbird · May 03, 2009, 06:46 PM

(((((Rain)))))

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through...

It would be great if Dr. Phil took you up on helping.

A friend I know wrote him a years ago and ended up involved in a group thing he did.

You just don't know the future.

I hope you get some assistance for the issues with your Mother, whether from Dr. Phil or someone else, you definitely deserve the help.

Best to you Always,
Night
xoxo

I wrote to Dr Phil about my mother!

Menu

I wrote to Dr Phil about my mother!

My Support Forums