Out of control

I feel so alone with my addiction. I binge excessively. I have gained 30 pounds in 4 months an I can't seem to lose the weight. I've tried everything to make me stop eating but I can't. Someone please help me. I can't go to impatient treatment because it's too expensive. I don't know what to do. I'm even in therapy. I've struggled with eating disorders since I was 9. I've tried to throw it up a few times but mostly I keep the food down. I feel so out of control. What should I do? I feel so alone.

(((Taylorlamelza1997)))

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. Do you have a medical doc or pdoc who also knows about this behavior? Are you on any medication that may be causing food cravings? I would call your T as soon as you can and also go to your doctor and ask about your meds. Have you tried distractions like games, puzzles, writing, reading and the like to get your mind off of food? Can you replace the food with drinks like hot tea or similar fluids that you can sip?

Maybe even call someone that you trust and talk with them about this so you won't feel so alone. I hope this helps in some small way. Best wishes

I don't know if this will help because I don't have an ed, but I was binging for some unknown reason a few months ago and started gaining weight. I was eating a half of a carton of ice cream a night, half a container of chips, I just couldn't stop eating. so I downloaded a calorie counting app on my phone and discovered I must have been eating 4-5 thousand callories a night. so I cut it to 1200 then upped it to 16, 2000 max a day. but I just switched out everything for lower calorie versions. mayo was 90 but if you get the olive oil mayo it is only 35. bread is 110 a slice but sara lee has bread for 45 a slice. tuna is low calories. yogurt for 80 calories. sugar fee pudding. ice cream on a stick 160, some less. frozen dinners 210-270. so I still ate every hour, I just ate lower calorie versions and I could keep my calore count on avg around 1600 a day. I had my coffee with sugar and cream every morning which cost a lot of calories and I eventually switched to artificial sugar so I could have those calories elsewhere. by keeping count of the calories I started making wiser food choices and really questioning wheter I wanted to eat something or not. within a couple months I had lost all the weight I had gained. and only in this last month have I stopped binging

My psychiatrist knows I binge eat. But I'm bipolar so I have to be on antipsychotics which cause hunger. I've sometimes tried distractions. I should just try harder. Yeah I could call a friend. That's a good idea.it did help by the way.

I know what you mean. I am bp also
I gained about 28 kilos in one year
It is frustrating because I need the meds, but I hate the weight

Also, I told my P.doc about binge eating, and he just sort of shrugged it off.
I was kind of hurt by that

That's what my psychiatrist did too. She doesn't care. People look at eating disorders like they are easily fixed. They are addictions just like alcoholism. It's not fair. Did they ever think that our mental health issues are caused by the stress of binge eating?

You are totally right.
My P.doc shrugged it off, and I felt like he was thinking that the problem was all in my head and to just stop eating.
It's hurtful and unfair...and then they give us meds that make us even hungrier and gain weight
It sometimes feels like a losing battle

My psychiatrists is aware of the seriousness of my weight gain and that's why she was willing to switch me to an AP that is weight neutral because I could no longer tolerate the continuing weight gain. Just think if you were twitching uncontrollably when you went to your visits, then your doctor would make a med adjustment especially if they could see how much it was affecting your self-esteem. Low self-esteem and depression feed off of each other.

Now I am can address the binging behavior.

Yea, it really does feel like a loosing battle. It's like you are stuck to the ground, suffocating by the weight that gravity keeps pulling down. It's like they purposely shrug of our problems to "HELP" us overcome our "mind/eating issues" but we can't if there are chemicals that makes us gain weight. Stupid people--they make me angry.

That is a super example.
My P.doc had me on Prozac.
It gave me really bad tremors
He took me off Prozac for that reason
I told him that it was embarrassing because I was at work, with my hands shaking, people would ask about it

My psychologist did that too. I brought it up so many times. But still, nothing. If anything, it made me worse. I feel your pain, and Im so sorry you have to go through this.

Thank you for your support.

That is why we are all here
To help, listen and support each other.
To talk to people who understand

I'm stuck in this cycle too. Almost 100kg. :O No ideas on helping it.

I get so frustrated by it.
I want to quit the meds, but I know that is way too dangerous for me to do (bipolar)

i haven't been able to stop either. after each bad meal/bad day,k when i notice that i'm so bloated i look almost pregnant, i tell myself "this has to stop, now is the time!" but the next day i fall back into the habit again. the one thing i have found that's helped a little bit is getting on wellbutrin again. it kills my appetite and other kind of impulsive/compulsive activities. not completely... just helps give a little nudge in the proper direction. i'm doing a little better now. still bad days but not as bad as bad used to be and slowly working down to something reasonable, trying to lessen the addiction and the reliance on food as a coping mechanism. hopefully you can too. "it's just one meal, just one day... " tomorrow is a fresh day and in making an effort to muster the willpower to stop, try to remember that stopping is not synonymous with absolute perfection overnight. the way black and white thinking goes with binging is scary... it might take time, you might run into bumps, but it's the endgame that matters.

Thank you for your insight and encouragement.

I think that, with binging, black and white is one of my biggest problems
I will think - Oh well, I ate this cupcake, the whole day is ruined now
This, to me, sort of gives me permission to binge all day

Do you try to replace food with another coping mechanism?
Is it even possible?

there was a time when i was doing much better with the depression side of things where i'd replace the eating coping mechanism with something more healthy (exercise, reading, even the smallest things) and when the urge to binge passed, I'd feel much better and it would kind of spiral into a positive cycle (as opposed to the negative eating cycle).

i'm not doing so well with depression now so i'm finding what i do is just face the feelings head-on rather than trying to stuff them back down with food. i own my binges, i guess. rather than beating myself up relentlessly, i'm trying to stick with the mantra "i screwed up one meal, it's just one meal, it's just one day, it won't affect the overall progress, back on track tomorrow!" also, just like one cupcake can lead to a whole day, a whole week of binging - one healthy choice can lead to the same if we allow it to. not easy... still in the beginning stages myself, but i've seen some improvement. definitely easier reasoned and said than done though... black and white thinking is the worst part. have you tried therapy? (i haven't but i know certain programs can help people with the black and white thinking)

That mentality is true for me too. Honestly, I don't know if I try. I eat because my soul feels so empty. There's this person in my life that I strongly care for but she's a teacher. So she never really can nurture me. I think it is possible; but some days I honestly don't know.

Yes, I have tried therapy. Good luck on your journey. Thank you for sharing, it helps.

Taylor, the important thing isn't to stop eating, that's unhealthy. What you should focus on is controlling the amounts per sitting. Trying to stop eating suddenly can actually make you gain weight. I read this blog where the author said something like, "What I do is eat, but here and there. I'll eat a decent portion then sit down in a comfy chair and read. After a few chapters, if I want more, I'll eat again but a slightly smaller portion than before, and I'll continue this process until I'm 'satisfied.'" I'm trying this and I feel like it could work and I hope it'll help you too. Stay strong, love.