I confess

Well, I have not been officially been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I've known for a while that I have a binge eating disorder. It didn't affect my life too terribly for a long time, because I was such an active athlete and I managed to control it by planning how to binge and how to work out to account for those calories. I also managed for a long time to binge on rather healthy foods so it wasn't as dangerous as what has happened recently. I was also a long-distance racing cyclist and marathon runner, so carb loading was part of the lifestyle...so it masked the disorder for a while, but things are different now.

I hit bottom with depression and PTSD a couple of years ago. In that time, I discontinued all my physical activities. I stopped running (I used to clock about 20 miles a week at least), I stopped biking (I did at least 30 miles a day on my bike), I stopped going to ballet class (I was a professional dancer), I even dropped my dog walks to these minimal 5 minute walks around my building.

With the depression, binging got worse and worse...my weight ballooned from 150 (which was high for me anyways) to 225 today. 75 freaking pounds...

I don't know how to get a handle on this binge eating or how to start exercising again because, frankly, I've gained so much weight that all physical activity, even just standing for 5 minutes, puts excruciating pain on my back. It makes me even more depressed. I can no longer shop at any given store for clothes. I have to go to a specialized store, and hope they have something that will look good on me...which is not easy.

So...I don't know. Not sure if I'm looking for advice or anything. I know how to lose weight, I've done it successfully in the past, but I'm in such a different place physically than I've ever been in before, it seems insurmountable. My weight and discomfort just continues the cycle of my depression.

Part of me is very forgiving of myself for having gained this weight because of all the crap I went through the past two years. But I've been making great gains in recovery now, and I want to start feeling more like myself again, and this is not like myself. This person who mopes around the house, who can't enjoy an hour at the park...who is afraid to wear shorts, who can't fit into jeans...this is not me.

Thanks for listening,
seesaw

I forgot to add, my binge eating stems from childhood starvation. My parents, although we really weren't poor, we were middle-class and able to eat, never seemed to understand how to make a dinner that would serve 5 people, 2 adults and three children. My brothers always stole the food off my plate growing up, so I had to learn to fight for food at the dinner table.

So as an adult I have a few issues. I don't like when someone wants to share a dish or taste whatever I ordered at a restaurant. It makes me feel again like a child and like I won't get enough to eat. Even though logically I know, as an adult, if I need more food I can always order more. When I come home from the grocery store, I'm afraid the food will disappear, so I will binge eat it all.

A former T once told me my issue is a lot like what he sees with homeless children or foster children with resource guarding.

It's very hard to overcome the emotional feeling of being scared of going hungry, even though I know I won't as an adult.

seesaw

strangely enough, I have had this too- where someone has wanted a peace of candy or something else I have (some potato chips, chicken, etc), and my first thought is.. if they take that, i'll have nothing

even if I have the biggist food supply ever-I was never starved though, I hate to say it.. but I think the reason I do that is just because i'm a greedy pig

their. I admitted it. oink oink. come laugh at the piggy

I used to have a binge eating prob because of meds, but now that i'm on opiates, I don't really eat much. I DON'T suggest that. This past week I've been doing a herbalife plan and have lost 4 lbs in the first week.

As far as exercising, when I feel up to it I do a sittercize program. It comes on PBS early in the AM at 5:30 am. I record it cause there's no way i'm up that early. It's called sit and be fit. It's super corny, but it gets me moving which is what matters. When I feel super motivated I go walk in the back yard for 10 mins.

Also I have found the power of CBD. it's an active ingredient in pot, but it doesn't get you high. Works wonders for my pain. It comes in all different ways to use it. There's oil, wax, gummies, tinctures, etc. The first night we got some I ate a gummy and was actually able to stand long enough to cook. It can make you a bit hungry so don't go overboard. It helps me with so many things. pain, rage, anxiety to name a few. Just putting that out there.

actually that sounds pretty good.

thanks.. maybe I should look in to that