[peaceprinter]

I keep thinking I'm at my wits end, and then realize that no, it can get worse, you just get use to it. Our councellor says my husband has ADHD. We've been married for 7 years, and have 2 girls, 18 months and 5. We've split up once already, and are verging on doing this again unfortunately. He doesn't believe that he has ADHD, gets very defensive, blames me, or us for his problems....bear with me, my minds going! Is there anyone out there who has encountered a similar problem with a spouse? He almost has me convinced that I'm the one with the problem. I read up on ADHD and I swear the description fits him to well to be a coincidence. I cannot count on him to be on time for me or for his work. He is always saying he will do things, but I have no faith in him that the will get done. I've let my expectations fall so very low, that I just pretty much count on myself when it comes to running the house, taking care of the kids, bills etc. He does help when he thinks about it, but I feel like I'm always having to check up on him to make sure everythings okay, or if it's something really important, that it's being dealt with. Is this too vague? He has trouble accepting blame and appologising, and almost always denies, changes the subject back to something he's finding fault with in me. He lies about stupid things, and then either denies saying he said something, or makes up an excuse or changes his story. I'm always on edge and uptight, because I feel like I have to remind him of the time, or that he promised someone he'd do something for them, or because even though he's promised to do something, I know it's highly likely it won't get done. He's so, so smart, loves to tell stories -he'll go on and on and on...is very charismatic -everyone loves him, and only if they've had to count on him for something and been let down or if he's been late one too many times do they get a glimpse of what he can be like. I can't continue to live this way. I'm going back to work full time next week and I've already got my hands full. The councellor says I enable him because i'm always picking up the slack for him, making excuses, or trying to keep him on track. I also take what he says to heart when he gets defensive and attacks me. My confidence is so low, and i'm losing my sense of self. He has so many unique qualities, but because i can't count on him for anything, and because i'm always worrying, I really don't know if i can stay married to him. I wish he could see things from my point of view and i really wish that he wouldn't be in such denial of having ADHD. I don't know what else to do or what to say to him. Help?! Any advice would be appreciated.

[LMo]

Aw man, Peaceprinter! Can I relate to this! A lot of what you wrote sounds like my husband did up until recently. Most of his d(x) has been depression and anxiety, although he was diagnosed with ADD a year ago. He just re-started an increased dose of ADD meds, and I do have to say that I'm noticing an improvement. He's also on Lexapro. But then again, while it took about a year and a half before I could convince him to try any medication (he was morbidly depressed for a few years), he now is willing and responsible about taking them.

I know exactly what you mean about having to check up, and lowering your expections to nil. The stress of that was awful. One thing that helped ME a lot was to go on Lexapro myself for a few months. I'm not on it now, but just having had the experience has been really helpful. I learned that the world will not come crashing down if I don't stay on top of what HE needs to do, and I also learned that the house did not need to be run as efficiently as I had previously strived for. You've got to do what you have to do with the kids and bills, of course, but just getting a handle on my OWN anxiety helped me so much in dealing with my husband's symptoms (or personality -- it's hard to tell the difference sometimes).

Are you getting counselling for yourself, or just couples counselling? I know that it's not the end-all-be-all, but the only thing you can control is yourself.

Gosh, everything I'm trying to write to you now seems so trite. I want you to know, though, that I DO understand because I've been there. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

[peaceprinter]

thank you SO much for some validation. I feel like most people we know would never even suspect it in him, but just think he's a little hyper, funny, talks alot, is a little late and forgetful etc. He's always happy and joking around with everyone, and everyone thinks he's so great...which he can be sometimes, but so difficult to live with! And i'm not jealous of the attention he gets, or that he's always the one talking, and i don't really get a chance to... i think he told me that i was just jealous one day when we were arguing. For the first few years of our relationship i would excuse his lateness or forgetfullness, and then i started taking things personally. here's an example: we can be in a room with 2 other people, and he has no problem standing in between them and me, with his back to me, and tell a story to them for a few minutes, and i could literally be jumping around behind him and he'd never notice. Speaking of trite, i don't need that much attention from him....i'll stop with the examples. What he does wouldn't bother me so much if they were sporadic occurances, not pretty much a guaranteed way of life for him. He's been so lucky in his life up until now, popular and smart, the class jock and clown, and he has achieved alot. I think it's all coming to a head though, his practice is slowing down, he's getting behind at work and things aren't going as well as he had planned or hoped. he partially blames our relationship problems as affecting his work, which they must to some degree, however i believe that over the last few years he's had more responsibility placed on his shoulders -built a new house, taking care of acerage, 2 kids, and building a larger chiropractic clinic which he essentially is incharge of , as well as overseeing 6 other staff members.... i think that the more is asked of him, the less he can cope with. i think he sees me as being the enemy and expecting too much from him. he says he's doing all he can do and what more can i expect from him. maybe that is all he can do, but i can't live with it. at least not without me getting sick from the stress. my days are easier when he's at work and i don't have to plan around him. when he's around i'm in "wait and see what happens" mode, if that makes sense. yes, i have been seeing the same councellor on my own. i'm a firm believer that everyone can use a little councelling.

[katheryn]

im sorry you are suffering ,
when i was first put on meds last year for depression i thought i was the only one depressed i started to feel better but i also noticed that hubby was suffering but i spent ages trying to convince him and the female that was involved in our problems but by the june he had enough and left saying he would never come back the female failed him he tried to take his life not once but twice since then we are back togeather , i stopped telling him he was poorly i let the doctors do this and yes this site the quizzes say we both have aform of adhd/add i can beleave this as my children have this he can see it in his brother who aslo did the quiz but i see lots of what my children are going through i went through at school but we werent tested at school , i just got my daughter tested for dislexicv as her sister and brother have this her scores were borderline but all these things run in familys ,
stop telling him he is a suffer let him do the tests if he doesnt believe the results get him to go and be tested by a doctor in america they help adult add/adhd suffers but you cant take ritilin here for that as its not alowed my son will have to come his meds when he leaves full time education .
just be there for your hubby and dont stop thinking about yourself

[katheryn]

im sorry you are suffering ,
when i was first put on meds last year for depression i thought i was the only one depressed i started to feel better but i also noticed that hubby was suffering but i spent ages trying to convince him and the female that was involved in our problems but by the june he had enough and left saying he would never come back the female failed him he tried to take his life not once but twice since then we are back togeather , i stopped telling him he was poorly i let the doctors do this and yes this site the quizzes say we both have aform of adhd/add i can beleave this as my children have this he can see it in his brother who aslo did the quiz but i see lots of what my children are going through i went through at school but we werent tested at school , i just got my daughter tested for dislexicv as her sister and brother have this her scores were borderline but all these things run in familys ,
stop telling him he is a suffer let him do the tests if he doesnt believe the results get him to go and be tested by a doctor in america they help adult add/adhd suffers but you cant take ritilin here for that as its not alowed my son will have to come his meds when he leaves full time education .
just be there for your hubby and dont stop thinking about yourself