[Larry_Hoover]

They may be divorced (after 44 years of marriage), and they live 50 miles from each other, but both of them required interventions within days of each other. My dad is the grumpy old alcoholic (77), and my mom the martyr (72). My sister and I won't play their games, though, and we are giving them unconditional love. They didn't know how to give it to us, but we figured it out. And wouldn't you know it? They're thriving on it. You can see it, visible to even total strangers. It feels like we're doing all the right things, my sister and I, so what's the problem?

Exhaustion. I come away from dealing with their needs simply stunned and exhausted. I spent most of Friday sorting out stuff for them both, and I feel like I've been run over by a semi-truck, 3 days later. And, since I drive those big beauties, that's a pretty significant thing to say. I feel like I've got "Peterbilt" indented into my back, in reverse script...."tlibreteP".

If all I end up with is tired, vs. e.g. emotionally wounded, then I think I'm getting the best possible outcome, or am I wrong about that? Is parental care draining to other people? I'd appreciate hearing what others think on this.

Thanks,
Lar

[bebop]

yes of course it is draining hon. I use to drive those big beautiful things too. I know how hard it is to be on the road and try to take care of things back home. God be with you.

[Sabrina]

I can't really share what I think or feel on this ... but I can offer my good thoughts and support!!!!

Keep safe Larry!!

[lenjan]

OMG, Lar. We just got my mom (77 y/o alcoholic martyr-to-the-hilt) moved into assisted living this weekend. If there is ANYTHING harder than trying to live your own life while caring for elderly parents, it's hard to imagine.

I admire you for what you're doing for them in spite of what they did to you. It's a testament to your strength that you became a loving and kind person in spite of what you went through as a child.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lar}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Candy

[EJ711]

Larry -

Watching over my parents was one of the hardest and best things I have done in my whole life.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,

EJ

[Larry_Hoover]

I'm actually starting to enjoy it. It's my way, to seek the shiny bits amidst the dark.

I was so stunned from what was really a simple set of tasks.....that's the bit that throws me. I look after my kids, and I don't get stunned by it. I'm doing the same sort of things, for my parents. I can't quite figure out why it's so different. Why it's so exhausting.

You can see them respond to the kind of care they're receiving. I think they both were expecting to have "care" shoved down their throats, or something.

My sister and I are laying out clear boundaries, and realms of personal responsibility. They, my parents, didn't know how to do that for us, my sibs and I. But they sure seem to know that they like it, when they see it. It's so unlike anything I remember from childhood.

I could do without the exhaustion part. Maybe, once the initial bugs are worked out, it will not seem so oppressively burdensome.

I appreciate very much all the support, and especially the validation, I'm receiving.

Thanks.

Lar

[EJ711]

Larry -

It is a real gift from God that you have been able to break the cycle of treatment you received as a child, and give unconditional love to your parents.

Maybe someone else will be able to put it into words, but caregiving does require an emotional energy unlike other experiences.

I will pray that God will give you and your sister supernatural energy to continue to do the fine job of providing quality care to your parents.

Keep us posted.

God bless you,

EJ

[Larry_Hoover]

EJ, I sobbed when I read what you said to me. Thank you.

Lar

[EJ711]

Lar,

Just know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

EJ

Hugs to everyone.

I am facing similar circumstances.

You give me hope that I too, can get through it.

[EJ711]

Petunia -

How many parents, and how many siblings to help?

Hugs,

EJ

[Larry_Hoover]

Hope is definitely available to you, Petunia.

Do you want to talk about any particular challenge you're facing?

Hugs,
Lar

[wheretogo]

a possibility--in many areas there are programs to help senior citizens stay in there homes. aids or caregivers visit the senior citizen in their home and help with daily living tasks: lite cleaning, cooking, reminders for meds, hygiene etc., some can even take the client to appointments, shopping or what ever. all is based on the needs and wants of the client. this is not for ones that require medical or skilled care. if interested--check with your areas Agency on Aging, or senior centers, doctors even. this could give you a break a few days a week or when you are on the road.

it is hard i know, i care for my mother and work in a personal care home. wish you the best

Ugh.

Mainly it's all the emotional baggage. She still gets around okay. She's 77, living without her left breast, her left lung and only 3/4 of her right lung...blames that on stripping varnish, not the two packs of ciggys she used to smoke a day.

She's an alcoholic. Travels with a bottle in her suitcase. My only surviving brother is a 55 year old hippie who is also an alcoholic, living with his alcoholic wife. My other two addict brothers died from drug use.

I've been her biggest defender all my life telling people to "save face" that my mother was strong and did the best she could after my father died and left her with four children and not a dime.

But of course after all these years of therapy and getting clearer (yikes, can you believe "this" is clearer, lol) I see that was just not true. She chose to run away and now I'm dealing with the resentment of abandonment.

She up and moved from the Northeast to FL to be closer to me. Not in a "bonding" way either. Just so I'd "take care" of her when the time comes.

I see the time is near. I am trying to deal with this resentment so it doesn't saturate this final chapter of her life and our time together with bitterness.

I "intellectually" get it. I know what to do, what to say, when to say it. I go through the motions of being the dutiful daughter, but I just don't feel it.

I want to get to a point where I think "I should call my mom and go out to lunch." Not "I HAVE to call my $#@#$%$ mother." Ugh.

Big fat sigh.

[Larry_Hoover]

I'm blessed to have my sister in this with me. Our vulnerabilities to mom are different, so we can cover for one another.

My mom had the idea that we, just she and I, would somehow end up living together, and that I would "repay her" for all she's done for me by looking after her.

Earth to mom, "I'm barely looking after myself."

I could have added "thanks to you" after the myself, above, but what purpose would that serve? It's simple enough to offer up a substitute, and leave the guilt and shame to whoever wants it. I'm not interested, thanks.

So, we have availed ourselves of community social services for the elderly. We bring the two together, help make the best decision, and get the f*** out of there.

Third parties.

Get third parties involved. That's my absolute best advice. The dutiful daughter called the caregivers. That's a good compromise, methinks.

Doing it alone isn't ideal. My sister and I have two rules. We plan everything together, ahead of time, and we talk afterwards, until we're done talking about it.

Maybe we can help with the planning and talking? With her health problems, it could be that she suddenly goes. In your current state, your ambivalence could really be hard on you, if that was to happen before you face this. Start looking into who can help her. It doesn't have to be you doing the personal care, if it gets done.

I hope there was enough "listening" in my "fixing" to be useful.

Hugs,
Lar