Next phase...

My wife is home, on meds, seeking help, doing well, and has admitted she is a "problem drinker" and quit drinking. I felt I should also quit drinking to be supportive of her and to lessen her temptations. This has made her angry and she insists I should still drink when and how I would have before. Is this classic behavior she is displaying? Should I quit anyway? Should I go on and drink whenever I "normally" would have(a few beers with yard work and a couple mixed drinks per week in the evening)? Very confused...

I think right now you should not drink around her...or at all right now...she is not stable enough. she would go back to it real quick I think.

yeah, I agree with bebop, I know it's hard even hell on someone when they are giving up an addiction and another member under the roof isn't.
Plus, if one is continuing what the other has worked so hard or is working hard on, why tempt them?
If the addictive things are around, and one is not home,its much too tempting so early in this stage, and can cause relapse.
Giving it up for now, will not hurt you either, it's better for your health, and helps prevent you from ever getting hooked.
She may say she doesn't want you to give up drinking because of her, but tell her you are doing it for yourself,your health. If she is still angry then that may be a teeny red flag, that she wishes you'd have some where she can easily get it?
Do what your heart tells you,don't let her anger on telling you not to quit for her,tempt you to do so.
It can possibly (I hope not) set you up as the one that tempted her, if she should relapse, making you out to be the bad guy.
Take care and lots of luck with this.
DE

I agree with bebop and darkeyes. Although, personally, I would not entirely quit drinking around her (like having a beer or two while doing yard work), but I would not drink as much, or get drunk, in front of her.

As a recovering alcoholic, I know that the temptation-factor is very high for quite a long time - regardless of what she is saying. It could only take one little upset to send her reeling and back to the booze.

I'm betting she is feeling embarrassed, first and foremost, and insulted at the fact that she perceives you as not trusting her. She may even use THAT ONE as an excuse to get hammered again.

Drink once in a while, that's ok. It will, at least, show her that you are not trying to hide anything and that you do trust her (whether you do or not at this point in time).

Just don't leave any around, if your house is now clean of alcohol (harder to do if you have a bar in the house). Only bring home enough for your immediate enjoyment.

Best wishes!

Altered State

I think if you would give up drinking altogether, that she will really appreciate it, and you. If she has had to give it up when it's so difficult for her, why can't you also do so? Drinking is greatly overrated, imo.

I think the value of your relationship will rise if you can do this. She might say she doesn't want you to, but inside, she sure wishes you would join her. TC

Good point, Sky. You know, now that I look back, I think I would have appreciated that too.

Guilt, however, took over for me, so to ask someone to give up something that is essentially my problem seemed, and still seems, so unfair. Then again, my b/f at the time drank only beer and I absolutely loathed beer (I was a whisky chick); wouldn't touch it, even when I had cravings. A picky drunk? (Weird, is all I can say about that!)

What I do know is that I did have a problem when my drink-of-choice was around. I never did get a handle over that and cannot be around too much alcohol, except maybe wine at family/special dinners. I can still be around beer drinkers (not in a bar, though), but they are just too annoying to be around when they start getting sh**-faced!

What I hope doesn't happen, is that your wife will end up becoming isolated because of the possibility of having to give up so much of her life-style and possibly close friendships (and she will have to give up, what will feel like ALOT, for awhile, at least). For me, most of my friends were either alcoholics or heavy drinkers. Even the work I did involved a ton of luncheons, cocktails parties and such. I couldn't handle it. All my bosses were drunks, too (another weird thing!)

Anyway, I guess it all comes down to how she handles recovery. If she wants you to drink, but then can't handle it (look for very, very subtle cues she sends out), then absolutely stop with her, because that will be the only way she will achieve and maintain sobriety. If she has embraced a 12-step program, at least give its counterpart as shot, too - you've suffered much as well! If you have kids, help them too, if you can, no matter what age they may be. The effects of addiction/alcoholism runs deep within a family's soul.

Then theres this aspect: taking her completely out of all situations where alcohol is present is, well, really hard to do in our society, don't you think? For me, I must limit the amount of time I spend in those situations and I have been (mostly) sober since '93. Gotta admit, slipped more than a few times, but never, ever close to what I came out of. There is nothing like a killer hang-over to remind you of why you quit in the first place...

Just don't let her get too isolated for too long, if you can. Hopefully, she does not have to fight a mental illness along with addiction, because it always makes the situation infinitely more complicated.

Altered State


Wow, aren't I the smarty pants... (private snub)