Helping a spouse with BPD

A few months ago i really started to question the way my wife has handled arguments, family & friend relationships...mood swings, etc. Things in life for me just became so overwhelming feeling as if i was the cause of everything negative in her life. I started "browsing" online and came across borderline personality disorder and realized she had every symptom. She had mentioned she left the military after only being in for two years because she wanted to get out. I looked through old files in our attic and found alot of medical documentation and psych evaluations showing she had borderline personality disorder. It didnt necessarily make me mad, just frustrated me to realize all this time i'd been fighting battles i couldnt win. I met her when i was 19, never dated anyone previously and she pretty much manipulated me from that point forward. I also sensed there was something wrong with her, but i always felt bad for the childhood issues she had told me about. Sorry for the long intro, i just felt maybe some background info might help...heres the rest lol

The BPD symptoms and angry violent outbursts have taken their toll lately, we also have two young children 3 and 11 months. My 3 year old son is pretty frightened of her when shes mad, he cries and hides and runs to me to "protect" me when she becomes violent with me. He's even covered my face with his body while i was sitting on the ground because in his mind he was going to protect his father when his mother started swinging again. Now she's never hit the kids, but she becomes extremely frustated with my son, calls him stupid or negative words. She has punched me numerous times, thrown knives, grabbed a gun, broken tv's, scratched my 'fun' car. All of this throughout the course of our 4 years of marriage. Over the late 4 years i think she's seen me mature and become more aware that what she does is wrong....and i believe that frustrates her. She has abused alcohol for a long time(5-10 years) long before i met her. I've told her to get help for alcoholism but of course...she drinks because I'm such a pain in the *** lol. I recently discovered she had been drinking and driving with my kids in the car..denied it to the point that i almost convinced myself she was telling the truth. She hides the alcohol in water bottles so she can keep them in her purse, trunk...wherever.

I've honestly had enough at this point. I told her on sunday that i was fileing for a divorce unless she went to alcohol treatment and then a live in facility for BPD. We've gone to counseling, AA meetings...they're all a joke because she knows that as soon as it's over she can go back to the way things were. When i told her I was filing for a divorce she became enraged saying she didnt need me, to take the kids and she can go be by herself. The next morning she told me she would get help...do i believe her? Honestly im not sure. She's given me the sad sob story numerous times so im hesitant to believe her, regardless im giving her my word. I think the hardest thing through all this is not just the effects on my children, but also that i put my happiness on hold for so many years that im not sure i even know how a wife is supposed to treat a husband. In my heart i feel like the best thing to do is leave and protect my children no matter what she decides...but then i tell myself im being selfish...even when i've been selfless everyday with her.

sorry for the long post, but it feels so good to share this

Hey, Ironman! Welcome! I know living with someone with BPD is not easy. And you sound like you have really been through a rough time.

You won't be able to cure her and unless she is really motivated to seek treatment and stick with it, then she probably won't get much better. However, it can improve in mid-life for some reason. It generally stems from a feeling of being abandoned and abused in childhood, and there's a lot of rage underneath.

If you want to give her another chance, then I suggest you read some books on it. One popular book on BPD is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Good luck! Frankly, I might be better for you and the kids if you do leave her, alas.

Another book on BPD is 'I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", can help explain the ins and outs of why when you mentioned the divorce, she fluctuated from just go ahead and leave, to I'll go through it(the treatment, that is)

Her alcohol use, is a separate entity from the BPD, at the same time, it can be a way of masking the underlying pain that she is feeling in her life. Most BPD cases, it is common there was some sort of trauma/emotional or otherwise before the age of 3.

It is not selfish to want to leave a physically abusive relationship. Of course, your children are scared, what you describe is them displaying fear. When you think about whether you are selfish for not wanting to live this way, just remember, that when children grow up witnessing this type of volatile family situation, they may grow up and perpetuate the cycle in their own lives.

When it comes to being all talk, even in SWOE(Stop Walking on Eggshells), as the saying goes, if they can talk the talk, can they walk the walk. Actions speak louder than words. And if interventions aren't working, what will your decision be?

I feel your pain, guy. Treatment is an option for snither reason. It might sound horrible, but documenting the issues can help you fight for full custody so the cycle of abuse doesn't have to tear your kid's lives apart as well.

I posted my history with my then girlfriend, now wife, titled "Why my mood is STUCK". Ironman88 and Aoikaze, except for not having children, my story sounds like both of yours and no doubt, many other men and women on here. My wife won't stop drinking and when I brought up her BPD behavior when she attended a session with my psychiatrist, she told me I should forget about the past and live in the present. Right. After getting repeatedly kicked in the 'nads' for so many years, metaphorically speaking. Now, because she took a Transcendental Meditation course 22 years ago, she's now leaning on me to go. I see how much that helped her! Can't save her, so I've got to save me and with treatment resistant ultra rapid cycling bipolar, my situation is more critical. She has gin to numb herself.

Allright--here is the thing..you love her right? I was in the same boat as you just that my wife had been diagnosed with bipolar, but some of the actions and patterns are similar.
I think I made my decision to stop blaming her and stop reacting to the abusive behavior too late. Try to get her to go to counseling with you, it creates a safe environment to discuss the relationship. If you really are "over her" -- run. If not --fight for her. Educate yourself, treat her with respect and expect nothing back. With proper treatment your relationship may be saved, try to take care of yourself as well, threats don't work, they often backfire. I wish I would have been smarter, not so arrogant, more caring and less selfish and I could have saved my marriage and helped myself and my wife to live a happier, more productive life. Good luck.

There are lots of posts on here so I'm not sure if you'll get to mine but if time ever allows add me to your contact list. Not only have I read many books on BPD I was married to a women for 30 years who had suffered from the illness. Your posts brings back so many memories. First and foremost you MUST get to the point where you realize it is not your fault, at least for your own health, both mental and physical. I carried so much guilt around because I could NOT fix her. There is simply not enough room on here to communicate what it's like living with someone who has BPD. I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for what your wife has been through but that does not give her a pass to mistreat you or your children. Yes we had 3 beautiful daughter's and I stayed for them because I knew she would end up with them and that was simply not an option for me. I thought I was bullet proof and could take anything and I did but in the end I ended not knowing who I was anymore and now am dealing with my own mental illnesses because of it and yes I'm disabled because of them. Treatment should be designed for the whole family not just her. God Bless

You're right. After almost 10 years marriage to an undiagnosed BPD with alcohol addiction and violent...it doesn't get better. You can learn all about Boundaries, validation and the SWOE books and everything else. You cannot cure, change nor control her. She has to want to get help for herself.

We,the partners, remaining present only act to enable them.

Agreed.

For you this may be true. But this is not true in all instances. Not everyone who marries a BPD sufferer is automatically an enabler.

We're sitting ducks if we don't know what BPD is and how it manifests. It's not exactly common knowledge. Many BPD don't tell their partners until after the emotional connection has been made and then it's much harder.

bpdrecovery.com is helpful for both parties. For the partner to understand as well as the interested BPD partner to work on themselves if they choose to.

You should divorce her as soon as possible and try to get as much custody of the kids as you can, hopefully so that they would mostly be with you. What you are describing - your little child covering you with his body to protect you - is HORRIFIC. If it has happened once, this is grounds for divorce. That she drinks and drives the kids around is another reason. You won't win this battle and every second you waste will weigh heavily on the psyches of your children.

I hope you will get custody.

When a child assumes the parental role to protect the father from mother's attacks, that means that the train of counseling, mental health interventions, etc. has long been missed. It is basically a situation that is war-like, so, a la guerre comme a la guerre - in other words, you need to take urgent wartime measures, and counseling is not an urgent wartime measure.