How do you deal with Nars?

I'm in therapy, and yes my therapist is aware that I'm a Narcissist. She knew instantly that I lack empathy and so on. I'm very openly narcissistic, i.e. grandiose, unempathetic, entitled, and so on. I don't make any effort to hide it. Why would I? People often point out that I have a huge ego and I say, "thanks for noticing. What's your point?" Heh.

My psychiatrist doesn't like talking about personality disorders which is typical, psychiatrists as opposed to therapists just want to see whatever they can give you medication for even though I make no effort to hide my narcissism with her, either.

Here's the thing, I've always been like this. I can't hide it, I mean sure I can act nice when it suits me but that's not out of any motive to hide who I am.

What I am private about is my personal life, and past experiences. But since I'm anonymous here I don't have as much of a problem being more open though I've struggled with honesty, even here and I can admit to that even though I don't like to.

I have fooled many people though, without trying to. People want to believe that others are like them, caring, empathetic, altruistic, light. So that's lead to people not believing I'm all that narcissistic until it's "too late".

Why all the questions? I don't mind answering them but your curiosity is intriguing.

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I'm sorry, I forgot about you. I was talking about offline interactions dear. Online though you're certainly on my exception list but now stop being silly, you knew that already and you love it. Snickering.

I've been surrounded by narcissists my entire life. I never really gave it much thought. It is normal in my family, if you're not narcissistic everyone will look at you like you grew another head HA HA HA. I've met many other narcissists. Most I just can't help but toy with. I know how to push their buttons obviously ha ha!

The game playing thing, it's just my nature so of course I don't see it as a problem. I only saw that I needed to be more careful after a tangle I got into with another narcissist earlier this year. I lost the game, that's the first time I've ever lost. I learned from the experience though and now I'm all the more formidable. When challenges come to me I take it as a chance to further build my Self up. That narcissist had me beat, sure it stung but I picked myself up and learned. He and I both just laugh about it now. Life is too short not to laugh and it keeps your body young!

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Yep all of this. I know what I want and I always get what I want. That's as it should be. Sure my methods can seem cruel but as Sir Underground has said, don't hate the player, hate the game! HAHAHA.

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I honestly think the NPD is what made my boyfriend do so well in recovery from his PD and alcohol/sex addiction. Once he decided he was getting better, he totally devoted himself to "becoming a better person." He did in 1-1/2 years of therapy more than I've been able to do in 12+. Sometimes it's a little frustrating but overall I'm not complaining!

Do what you can to make a plan to get out from under her financial control. Often you don't have a choice, especially if you are ill, but it can help you cope to know that you're working toward getting out. My mom also liked to use money as power and I'm glad to be completely self-sufficient finally. Also think about what is tolerable, lifestyle-wise, but can be done on a lower income. I don't know what illness you're dealing with but low-income housing, roommates, etc might all be preferable to someone abusive having so much control over you.

Yeah, I kicked several addictions because I saw that it was destroying me. I think my NPD was a huge factor in terms of how motivated I was when I decided to quit all that crap for good.

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There is no genetic marker for any cluster B personality disorder. There isn't a psychopathology course in the world with enough lit to teach clinicians that NPD is genetic. Just as many people with "low activity of the Amygdala" do not develop a personality disorder. Maybe epigenetics will have more to say about it in 20 years or more.

NPD is a pattern of perceiving and reacting to the world. It's been in place so long that it is involuntary, but not unconscious. We are all capable of changing our behavior when we realize it negatively affects oneself or others. But the narcissist won't change and that's why you should stay away from them. End of story.

Your bitterness comes through in your posts far more than you think it does. Why do you post here? This is the forum for actual Narcissists, such as myself.

That's so not true. My boyfriend was dxed with NPD several years ago and he is living quite well in recovery. Although he doesn't have empathy for everyone, he is certainly not manipulating and completely self-focused the way he was before his diagnosis. This kind of stigma is a big part of WHY people don't get help. Imagine if we were on a depression message board saying "People can change, but not people with depression. You should stay away from them." Many people would jump on that and disagree. Anyone can change if they want to and you do not know every person with NPD in the world so just because whatever person with NPD hurt you chose not to, it doesn't mean someone else can't or won't. Most is not all. There are virtually NO resources out there for people attempting to recover from NPD.

This forum is for anyone Atypical_Disaster and your response was totally expected and intended.

I didn't say that only narcissists can post here. I said that this forum is the space for actual narcissists to post about their problems because narcissists are people too. Just like borderlines and any other group of people with psychological disorders.

Why so hostile? I am not being malicious. You just sound very bitter, and you would likely get better support posting about that in other parts of this very large forum.

Your perspective is refreshing, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Personality disorders get demonized all the time, you're right it's a huge reason people don't get help even if they know they have a problem. I know borderlines also deal with being demonized frequently.

You're right, place any other illness in the place of NPD and it sounds completely ridiculous. I said the same thing about the self awareness issue because awhile ago a few people were doubting if a Narcissist could ever be self aware and I said, "that's like saying to someone, 'well since you know you're depressed you don't actually have depression.'"

You're saying that you didn't say exactly what you said.

There's room for every voice whether you agree with it or not. You're not the original poster of this thread.

::Ignore list:: There, Atypical_Disaster. Now it can be about the actual thread and not about you anymore.

Yes, I think that we (people with BPD) are quite lucky that Dr. Linehan couldn't find anyone to help her and decided to help her d*** self. Without her work and the work of others who came after her, I doubt there would be all the hope and help for BPD that there is today. People with BPD are still very demonized too, I like to think that is because of a lack of understanding more than anything. There's still a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness in general!

Some people do have more insight than others, I think that's why my bf and I both do so well. We are both also very trusting of certain people like each other and our therapists so we are open to those perspectives. I can say to him "Hey, you know I noticed _____ do you do that on purpose?" and he can do the same for me and we don't immediately get defensive or attack. It helps me a lot that the couple of times I have had abandonment-related meltdowns he has asked me to please just wait and if I still want to break up with him the next day, ok. He doesn't take it personally at all because he knows ultimately it's not about him. And I tell him how I feel a lot more than I would anyone else because I know that if I say "Hey, I'm upset now, I need for you to give me a hug" I will get what I need vs expecting him to notice I'm upset which 99.9% of the time he wont (unless it's a meltdown, lol.) but that's not because he doesn't love me it's that he can't spontaneously empathize.

I don't think insight into self is just an innate thing though, at least not completely. We can learn to be more self-aware. All human beings, those with PDs and those without them.

Yeah I've heard a lot of **** talking about BPD sufferers, I think it's BS.

Insight like anything else is on a spectrum, I've met for example BPD sufferers who are extremely self aware and others who really have no idea... It all depends on the person and so many other variables.

Your relationship with your boyfriend is intriguing, it sounds like you've both done a lot of work on yourselves.

Some people are so unaware it's like they don't even know they have a self at all...

That is sadly so, so true.

My T said that she had heard before that BPD and NPD are a good pair in a relationship because BPDs feel "too much" and NPDs tend to not express/feel a lot of emotion. So for average people, BPDs excess of emotion can be very overwhelming because they have their own, average amount of emotions. BPDs feel enough for two people, and people with NPD are not overwhelmed by us. It's pretty cool to think about. My bf is definitely the only person who has not been significantly freaked out by my meltdowns, although they happen a lot less than they used to.

Depression is disease. NPD is a personality disorder. One responds to medicine, one does not.

Disease/disorder. Two different things.

The original poster wanted to know:

“How do you calm down nars when they are in an unethical, vindictive phase? I am having a problem because they do not care if they are hurting you. I wonder if the derive enjoyment from it.”

Maybe you haven’t been diagnosed with NPD but how can we calm you down, Starfruit? Are you aware of the effect your comments have on others? Do you care?

Oversimplistic and wrong.

You quoted my response to Atypical Disaster - not the original poster. I have no idea what you're asking me here. Are you asking what I do to relax? Because hot tea really does it for me. Black teas. Something pepperminty would be lovely since it's season.

Awaiting your reaction to Freedom's statement "I am having a problem because they do not care if they are hurting you." Oh wait, no I'm not. ::Ignore::

Seems like users with NPD are trying to control the conversation and survivors of abuse are trying to share their perspective.

Other people with PDs aren't the sole authority on 'dealing with nars'.

Fake any type of contagious illness or an illness that would involve you requiring their help. That should send them running, giving you the time to get away.

I found starfruit’s responses to Atypical Disaster to be vindictive. She seemed either unaware of that fact or did not care. I do not have NPD but starfruit's comments turned my stomach. Who knows, maybe I just have a weak stomach? I can't speak for people with NPD, of course, but I know from experience that having a personality disorder is not easy. I'm committed to a belief that we need better understanding and discussion about these disorders, for everybody in the society. It will be better for people without PD's if they can understand better what to do when a person they are with is having a "phase". I don't see how simplistic put-downs and generalizations serve that goal. But people with PD's are not the only people who can have unpleasant, unhelpful "phases".

There are plenty of places on the internet and forums on PC where survivors of abuse can share and vent about their experiences, if that’s what they want to do. If you are not familiar with it, please read the sticky “A gentle reminder. . .” for users of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder subforum.

Aren't you contradicting yourself? You begin by calling someone else vindictive then proceed to preach about the need for better understanding (using the royal "we") when a person is having an unhelpful, unpleasant phase!

I find the words vindictive and sick to the stomach quite unpleasant along with your contradicting yourself. It reads like you have a weak stomach or underbelly and attack whom you perceive to be a weaker person.

When I use the word underbelly I am referring to the layer that lies underneath your entire post which is a slithering, twisting road that begins with your starting point, as in where you are really at, a weak stomached sycophant whose words climb up that hill reaching the midway point where you stop and open your picnic basket containing a couple of better understanding sandwiches then jump back on your high horse and reach the summit, the top of the mountain and quote "A gentle reminder (from a higher authority than yours) the blinkin' sticky rules!

Thanks for your reply. It is interesting and helpful to me to hear how I am coming across to you. It seems very clear that you did not like what I wrote but I don't understand specifically what affected you so adversely. Perhaps that is because I do not have NPD but I have had another personality disorder.

I wonder if there is a way that we (as in the two of us) could come to a better understanding? It seems to me that most of your reply is an attack on me but I can't tell what exactly I said that hurt or offended you. I really can't.