[BDPpartner]

Sorry a little back ground of our current state. . . . . . . My partner is in an extreme crisis and there are no psych beds available in our area, the hospital sent him home to be seen by a psych team but when we left the hospital he kissed me said goodbye and ran off. The police later found him but with no beds and red tape he was sent back home late last night for me to deal with He keeps telling me that it's all my fault, that I don't listen that I treat him like an idiot, that all I do is take away/ throw away everything that's good and leave him to clear up my mess; I'm not sure, don't know if he's right ! He says I never take him out when we're in my home town staying with family, he tells doctors etc I just leave him sat in a chair not allowed to do anything. But we do go out most days, it might not be exciting we only go to the bank, post office, super market, betting shop etc. He keeps telling me i'm making him hate me and i'm not sure if i'm the selfish B he keeps telling me I am, especially as I'm increasingly feeling like a victim. We recently stayed in a hotel and had a issue he told me I was to do nothing and sent me off to eat breakfast while he complained. He was gone so long that I began to worry. The breakfast serving was nearly over and I was increasingly feeling uncomfortable eating alone (i'm fat and know that people watch and judge what fat people eat) so I ran my partners phone to ask if he would be joining me to eat or if not that I was going outside for fresh air. I got no reply but he returned soon after, asking my reason for disturbing him. My explaination didn't go down well, he verbally laid into me for having to interfear and f everything up, that I must be stupid or a really nasty B to not do what I was told and do nothing except enjoy breakfast. He continued to rant at me and when I began to cry was ordered not to wipe the tears away he wanted the hotel staff to see me, it would strengthen his compliant. After another while me still crying him ranting he took me to sit in reception and when I sat down to start with I was wrong, he insisted I be facing everyone and again no wiping of my face/tears was allowed. Eventually we returned to our room where I then fell in the tub and suffered a head injury as well as other injuries. Needless to say i'm sui'm sui'm sure people thought i'd had a whopping. I just don't know whether i'm making the problems so much worst

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

he told me I was to do nothing and sent me off to eat breakfast

asking my reason for disturbing him.

not do what I was told

was ordered not to wipe the tears away

he insisted I be facing everyone and again no wiping of my face/tears was allowed.

based on your description, this is abuse - I isolated the words that highlight the fact that he is abusing you. I would hope that you would leave him.

Look at the verbs in bold - they are very telling.

[hamster-bamster]

In reply to the title of your thread, no, not your fault.

[hamster-bamster]

And, I must say, the words you used are quite extreme even for this forum that is full of descriptions of abuse. Ordered, allowed, insisted, ...

I had an abusive husband who did that - ordered etc. - and I did not see it at that time, but I CAN see it while being an observer from the outside. Sometimes we cannot see what is being done to us but we have enough reason to see it when done to other people. So I hope that you see what he is doing to you.

[LovelaceF]

No, they are not your fault. Ultimately each of us is responsible for our own well being. This relationship sounds extremely unhealthy. I hope you find the strength to get out of it.

[Perna]

It does not sound like your partner is doing anything to make his own life the way he wants it. If he is interfering with your well-being too, you need to leave him, get on with your own life and issues; he's not only not being a "partner" to you, he's bringing you down.

[BDPpartner]

Sorry been to bogged down with everything, couldn't even face coming back online things are still really bad here

[Open Eyes]

Are you seeing a therapist at all? I agree with everyone else, this man is emotionally abusing you. The only one you can save in this picture is yourself.

Please get help for yourself and don't blame yourself for his issues "ever".

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))
OE

And don't worry about your weight, you need to take care of you first, that is always something you can deal with later.

[BDPpartner]

Thanks to everyone for the support

[BDPpartner]

I do feel like he is verbally abusive towards me when he's "IN CRISIS" and I hate myself for letting him get away with it. What I really hate is when he comes back from his 'T' telling me that she agrees he's right etc. At the moment he's sleeping on the couch as our bed broke and the spareroom is to depressing, it's like a store room (he's the one that's turned it into a storeroom) and apparently the house is a S**T TIP ! I'm too lazy and don't care for him apparently

[archipelago]

While I agree with what people have said about it not being your fault and that you are being abused, I also understand that it is not so easy to just leave, even if that seems the best for you in the long run. And it might be true. I was in a situation with a partner who became physically and also emotionally abusive. I left, moved out, and took a break. It turned out that some of what was causing the problem was medication he was taking that when I insisted that he see someone and get evaluated, he was pulled off of them and eventually we restored our relationship. There is no abuse any more, nothing close. I never thought it was possible when I left, but it ended up working out after all. I had to do lots of extra therapy during the period and had to deal with people taking sides during the separation and lost some close friends. But I survived.

I'm not saying this is a blueprint at all. What I'm trying to say is that I understand the difficulty of the situation and that leaving it is not easy. And in my case, it turned out to be okay in the long run, but the relationship was a very long one and what was happening stood out as unusual so I had a feeling that something was up and it turned out that I was right. I still am sensitive to this and make my boundaries clear if there is anything even slightly off. This takes a lot of work and strength. I couldn't have done it without a therapist supporting me, both in my decision to be free of abuse and independent and then my very careful and cautious attempt to work it out. Again I'm not giving advice or saying my experience is to be followed at all. I'm just trying to express that it can be complicated and difficult and not as straightforward. There is such a thing as a cycle of abuse that drives some relationships. If that turns out to be true for yours, then getting out would be the best thing. And getting out for now also seems like a good thing to do. You can't really see it when you are so involved up close. You need some separation and distant to know what you really feel apart from this relationship and what would be best for you.

[BDPpartner]

I'm not having therapy, he is seeing someone to deal with some long running problems from his past. But i really do think it's time for me to get myself some help

[Nobodyandnothing]

Please take care of yourself.

[Open Eyes]

I agree with you, I think that you should/deserve to get help for this. You need someone outside the picture and can "listen" to you and "support you" and help you see the ways you might not recognize about how you are allowing yourself to be abused.

Alot of people need help to see that, I had to get help to see things myself. So you are not alone.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Tattooman]

Hi there first of all I want to send you HUGGSSS! I am a person that has attempted suicide many times and the most important thing I can tell you is that my head was not on straight at the time. From the irrational behavior of your "friend" his is not on straight either. I agree with all the other folks up above and their suggestions but something may not have been touched upon and that is if you are trapped in this relationship. First of all he may be using these suicide attempts to get attention and therefore he should be getting therapy. If at all possible you should be looking for a way out of the situation and there may be some problems with that. Who does the apartment belong to and all that and the money to pay the rent, the important thing is that there are better ways to live. You do not deserve the negative treatment you are getting. There may be Women's resources around you maybe check with the phone book and see if there are any listed. The last thing is you may be a plus size girl but that does not mean you have to accept less than appropriate treatment. I'll bet you are harder on yourself too than you imagine. When you told your story of going for breakfast I think you are probably harder on yourself than you imagine. You might check in to see if you can get some counseling to help you through this hard time in your life.
Tattooman