[Starfish86]

I met my boyfriend almost 7 months ago, when the relationship began, he was settled in a job... and lived a pretty ordinary '9-5' lifestyle.. he quit his job for various reasons.. then was out of work.. for a good 3 months. He then got a temporary over Christmas but is now back to trying to find work again. As time has gone on i have noticed his behaviour becoming really very odd getting worse as the months have passed, but I just put it down to the fact that he was stressed with looking for work.. which would be completely understandable.
A little into the relationship he told me he had suffered with depression in the past.. but I have too(still am).. so i empathised with him.
Now.. tonight... he tells me he suffered psychotic episodes from the age of 18 - 24 (he is now 28) where he was in and out of being sectioned. He said he hasn't suffered since the age of 24 and was on meds up until just before I met him.
He says that he feels like he's going into this psychotic state again(i won't go into boring detail but he explained what are really very worrying symptoms) but told me not to worry because he would not harm me.
I'll be honest this has scared the crap out of me , with the things he told me... and I don't know what to do.
I insisted he see a doctor, he called the surgery this morning but can't get an appointment until next Tuesday!!
I have a 10 year old boy to consider in all this too.. I left his father 18 months ago after years of domestic violence.. I feel like my boy has been through enough and seen enough and all i want is a settled life for him.

I understand that this issue can't be easy to bring up in conversation, but to leave it all this time before he has told me i don't think is very fair. I really care about him now... as you can expect after 6+ months.

He says he's scared I'm going to leave him now and he loves me and the only thing that keeps him going and makes his life worth living is me.

I don't know what to do at all here I don't know the right thing to say.. incase i trigger anything. I don't think he will hurt me physically, but i still have doubt. I lived for 12 years in fear of my ex.. treading on egg shells, scared of what he would do to me next. It took all the courage i had to escape that. I realise i sound really selfish but i am having a daily battle with depression myself and trying to forget the evil things my ex did to me.

I know alot of people are would say 'oh just leave now' but its not that easy when you care for someone and they're looking you in the eyes like they are begging to be helped.

If he ever did anything to physically harm me or my son i would instantly leave, but he hasn't so far.

I am no pyschologist though and really don't know what to do now

I would appreciate any help or advice anyone may have. TIA

[Sometimes psychotic]

well for starters there is basically no association between increased violence and psychosis so get that out of your head...the only time I've ever seen increased violence and psychosis together is when there is concomitant drug use at least in the literature

second is it any wonder he chose to keep this a secret since you immediately associate this with violence? Personally I tell people within a month but I'm stable and on meds and I'm sure his issue is that he went off meds, he'll probably be fine once he starts again so stick it out

[Starfish86]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

well for starters there is basically no association between increased violence and psychosis so get that out of your head...the only time I've ever seen increased violence and psychosis together is when there is concomitant drug use at least in the literature

second is it any wonder he chose to keep this a secret since you immediately associate this with violence? Personally I tell people within a month but I'm stable and on meds and I'm sure his issue is that he went off meds, he'll probably be fine once he starts again so stick it out

Wow.. hang on a minute... i am asking for advice out of genuine concern and care for both my boyfriend and my son and selfishly myself.. you seem to be having a go at me little here... or perhaps i have mis read this?? I also wasn't only referring to violence, but more the distress i can see it causing my boyfriend and not knowing how to support him the best way i can.

I did say that he had gone into more detail.. i just didn't explain this as i didn't want to make the post any longer than it already was... so in fact he has had violent episodes at the same time as the psychosis. I'm no expert on the matter... and don't know if they are linked or not.. but i'm sure alot of people would misconceive also.
Also.. when you are put through all kinds(things you couldn't even begin to imagine) not once but twice, and have 15 years of abuse from people that are supposed to love you and escape that... it kinda makes you a little hostile towards men in general!!

Cheers for the advice though...

[Erebos]

I don't think your questions were out of line at all. You have every right to be concerned for your child's welfare and that includes taking care of yourself.
There is nothing selfish about it, if you are not healthy you can't care for your child.
On the one hand I am sure that whilst on his meds he is absolutely fine. However he isn't, and ultimately this is about your sons welfare.

Don't be too hard on how long it took him to open up. From his point of view, he might have wanted to be sure this was the one. And it must be terrifying to share this kind of thing.
Questions, how invested are you?

My current partner has some quite serious issues, when he told me, I took the time to research what I could. Find a support group of partners in a similar situation. Then asked his permission to meet with his workers, go with him to his Dr, so I could ask my own questions, and see what I could do to maintain stability in the relationship.

You also have just escaped an abusive e past,are you ready not to bring your baggage into his environment, if you get my meaning. Survivors of abuse often have to Unlearn behaviours they learned with their abusers. They need to not be triggered by certain behaviours just because they relate them to a history of abuse.

All of this is a big ask,maybe some kind of therapy for yourself. Your son will react to you, if you are calm and secure in yourself, your son will feel safe.

I have 4 kids and similar back ground as you and so can definitely relate. My partner was equally forward and willing to do what ever I required to feel safe.

I wish you all the best,whatever you decide.

[Starfish86]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I don't think your questions were out of line at all. You have every right to be concerned for your child's welfare and that includes taking care of yourself.
There is nothing selfish about it, if you are not healthy you can't care for your child.
On the one hand I am sure that whilst on his meds he is absolutely fine. However he isn't, and ultimately this is about your sons welfare.

Don't be too hard on how long it took him to open up. From his point of view, he might have wanted to be sure this was the one. And it must be terrifying to share this kind of thing.
Questions, how invested are you?

My current partner has some quite serious issues, when he told me, I took the time to research what I could. Find a support group of partners in a similar situation. Then asked his permission to meet with his workers, go with him to his Dr, so I could ask my own questions, and see what I could do to maintain stability in the relationship.

You also have just escaped an abusive e past,are you ready not to bring your baggage into his environment, if you get my meaning. Survivors of abuse often have to Unlearn behaviours they learned with their abusers. They need to not be triggered by certain behaviours just because they relate them to a history of abuse.

All of this is a big ask,maybe some kind of therapy for yourself. Your son will react to you, if you are calm and secure in yourself, your son will feel safe.

I have 4 kids and similar back ground as you and so can definitely relate. My partner was equally forward and willing to do what ever I required to feel safe.

I wish you all the best,whatever you decide.

I am invested in this.. i want to be invested... this is why i am asking, mostly because i want to help.. i am just unsure of the right thing to say or do.

I am trying to get therapy as i know i need help... just stuck because of waiting lists. I am on medication and actively doing everything i can to change the way i think. and no... i should not have started a relationship given that i am so ****ed up, but i have.. it all happened by mistake and before i knew it i was into a relationship where i care alot for this man.

I have done research, but i found it to be really varied... most sites i visited said to end the relationship, but i don't want to.. i want to make it work.. just need to understand it all a bit more really.

I guess i will just have to continue my research and hope that nothing bad does happen.
Thanks for understanding, knowing that somebody does, makes a difference x

[eskielover]

I personally would probably distance myself from allowing the relationship to grow closer AT THIS POINT. I would probably go into a "wait & see mode". Being as supportive as I can without allowing the relationship to go any farther right now.

After getting out of a DV marriage & really not being that stable yourself at this time, your son is the one that needs your best given to him & not someone who in reality once you do get more stable might find out is not the right person for you anyway. 6 months isn't even close to enough time to KNOW how you really feel about someone. At 6 months what people think is love is still infatuation of what they think they feel or want to feel about the person. At 9 months I encountered an experience with the guy I was going to marry. I wish I had paid attention to those red flags & never married him. I rationalized his behavior & let my mom influence my thinking. BIG MISTAKE.

Your son needs a stable environment to heal from what he came out of also & right now he should be your concern. If this person stabilizes & his life comes together in a way that would make a stable environment for both you & your son....I'm sure he will be there for you when he does get stable & proves that stability.

I'm not saying walk away completely...stay in touch....encourage his getting stable....but from a distance, not intimately involved as you are now....like a separation period where both of you spend time getting your own selves together....THEN....see what happens.

You said you didn't mean to get involved with him...two mistakes don't cancel each other out. Use your WISE MIND in handling this, NOT your emotional mind. Any time we rely totally on our emotional mind to make our decisions there is usually lots of regret in the future.

I'm sure your gut feeling is waving red flags right about now. Our gut feel is our logical mind screaming at us to PAY ATTENTION!!!!

[Starfish86]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I personally would probably distance myself from allowing the relationship to grow closer AT THIS POINT. I would probably go into a "wait & see mode". Being as supportive as I can without allowing the relationship to go any farther right now.

After getting out of a DV marriage & really not being that stable yourself at this time, your son is the one that needs your best given to him & not someone who in reality once you do get more stable might find out is not the right person for you anyway. 6 months isn't even close to enough time to KNOW how you really feel about someone. At 6 months what people think is love is still infatuation of what they think they feel or want to feel about the person. At 9 months I encountered an experience with the guy I was going to marry. I wish I had paid attention to those red flags & never married him. I rationalized his behavior & let my mom influence my thinking. BIG MISTAKE.

Your son needs a stable environment to heal from what he came out of also & right now he should be your concern. If this person stabilizes & his life comes together in a way that would make a stable environment for both you & your son....I'm sure he will be there for you when he does get stable & proves that stability.

I'm not saying walk away completely...stay in touch....encourage his getting stable....but from a distance, not intimately involved as you are now....like a separation period where both of you spend time getting your own selves together....THEN....see what happens.

You said you didn't mean to get involved with him...two mistakes don't cancel each other out. Use your WISE MIND in handling this, NOT your emotional mind. Any time we rely totally on our emotional mind to make our decisions there is usually lots of regret in the future.

I'm sure your gut feeling is waving red flags right about now. Our gut feel is our logical mind screaming at us to PAY ATTENTION!!!!

Everything you say here makes complete sense! I know it does, but i really feel bad on the guy, especially when he said he was scared to lose me and i told him he wouldn't. I want to do the right thing by everyone and don't want to be selfish.. that's what i feel like i am being... selfish.
I just want what everyone else has... why is it so hard to find?

[eyesofblue]

You are Not being selfish. You have to take care of yourself and your Son. First... No matter what is going on . It is scary and unknown. It would be helpful if you knew his diagnosis, and what medications he is taking , he most likely will get stable an it is good he recognizes the triggers. I do think it is huge that he confided in you.

[Erebos]

Relationships rarely happen when you expect them to, you won't hear any judgement from me regarding that. Infact they almost always come along at the least appropriate time.
it really sounds like your doing all the right things. I understand that " why me" sensation. You just want something simple and secure, yet it turns out to be more complex than you could imagine.
My partner s issues resulted in criminal behaviour and a spell in the jail. It took me a while to be sure, but he was patient and understanding and most importantly continued to look after himself while I thought about things. That went along way to proving to me he wasn't relying on me to maintain his stability. That he was being responsible for himself.
I like you have a lot of my own stuff going on,I knew I couldn't be a crutch for someone else.
Your man has proved he can be responsible with his health, and perhaps the security of the relationship caused him to let that slide. It's easy to do when your feeling good in your situation.
A gentle reminder that you aren't his carer, but his partner and that providing he takes steps to recover you are willing to work things out with him.
Explain your afraid because you don't understand, and ask if you can attend his mental health assessment/ pdoc so you can ask some questions. About his condition not to be invasive.
It can work out even with two crazies! ( how I describe me and my fella)
Only you know if your strong enough to tell him what you need a stick to it. Maybe a deadline might help.
Protect ing yourself to protect your son will never be selfish.
Be kind to yourself, and listen to your instincts, they will be the ultimate indicator of if you feel your doing the right thing.
Take care and I wish you both all the best.

[eskielover]

Everything you say here makes complete sense! I know it does, but i really feel bad on the guy, especially when he said he was scared to lose me and i told him he wouldn't. I want to do the right thing by everyone and don't want to be selfish.. that's what i feel like i am being... selfish.

First off you can't be everything for everyone in this world. It is physically (& mentally) impossible.

You OWE getting your life together & giving your son a stable life. THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

When someone says they are scared to lose you & you are afraid of being selfish if you choose to leave....that is a red flag for the possibility of a co-dependent relationship in the development & relationships need to be partnerships, NOT co-dependent relationships where staying together is for unhealthy reasons.

Most times in EVERYONE'S LIVES we end up in situations where we have to make choices where someone will end up hurt. That most times IS THE REALITY of life. We just try to make those decisions in the most tactful way possible but with all honesty in presenting where we are coming from & hope they have the heart to understand.

Distancing yourself while you BOTH get your lives together doesn't mean that he will lose you or you him. If the relationship & emotional connection is strong enough to survive you both focusing on getting stable rather than creating a co-dependent relationship you BOTH will be better off in the long run & SO WILL YOUR RELATIONSHIP. If it doesn't survive for whatever reason then you both will be better off than if you stay together in a dysfunctional relationship which is all that can develop with 2 unstable people tho haven't stabilized their own lives.

It's not easy to stand up for what your gut feel knows isvright for you & your son BUT in reality it's a good way to start developing your OWN STRENGTH which is really the example you son needs to grow up with.

I just want what everyone else has... why is it so hard to find?

What you are missing here is that what you think everyone else has, in REALITY isn't anything close to what they have in reality. Most people aren't blessed with good relationships because they don't go into them with care & then they wonder later on why it failed. Paying attention to the issues & red flags up front saves a lot more grief later on. Distancing in a relationship to give each other the needed time to stabilize & determine if it's really the right thing is a lot easier to deal with than years down the road when each have grown to find out what a mistake they really did make allowing the relationship to grow in a very unhealthy way. It's not easy being strong enough to be in control of your life's direction even with your son's life being your concern but growing & developing that strength is a good example to set or your son. If the relationship does come together when you are both healthy....that is another good example for your son to learn from.

Your son needs a stable mom much more than he ever needs to be stuck in another dysfunctional relationship chosen by his mom because she is afraid of being selfish.

[Starfish86]

Thank you so much everyone! You have been such a massive help! I now know what i have to do..and kind of the reason i came here was to help me get perspective and make my judgements a little less clouded.
I am pretty sure i have this now.. it just may not be the easiest thing i will do but i have to be realistic both for my Son and Myself.
I thought it was as black and white as 'Stay together' or 'break up for good' but it doesn't have to be like that. I need a break, time to get my own mental health sorted, something i haven't done. I have never recovered from the horrible trauma i went through with my ex, and this is having a direct impact on my current life. I have to sort myself out, that way i can be the Mummy i need to be to the most precious thing in my life, my Son, he deserves that!
I also feel as though the pressures of me and a relationship has not helped my boyfriend. I am snappy and jumpy and generally scared, and have frequent panic attacks, he is mentally unstable(his words) these things are never going to go together are they? He says he is currently experiencing his first psychotic episode in 4 years, surely this isn't a coincidence? He needs to get himself better for him too.

We BOT have to get the help we need and like has been mentioned, if we are meant to be together, we will both know its because we truly want to be together and not just because we are co depending.
If i mean as much to him as he does to me, and as he says i do, then he will be willing to wait for me as i am for him.

Personally i know i need the space and we are still at a stage where this is possible, its not years down the line were we are living together and its almost impossible to split.

I hope i am making sense. I do feel i am thinking a bit more clearly.. and i don't think i would have done, without all of your help, so thank you so much

[Erebos]

Sounds like you have it nailed. Sounds like your making all the right choices.
Don't be surprised if he flakes, and remember a break doesn't ha e to mean zero contact. Unless you struggle with boundaries, in which case it may be easier to put strict rules in place, limiting texts and calls Etc.
I am going to refer again to my current situation and confirm, that we live an hour away from each other.
We meet once a week, I stay over once a month.
We say good morning and good night over the phone.

All the rest of the time we know we need to stay focused on ourselves. In my case on being a mum too.
I really hoped it all works out, give him time to adjust and don't listen to any gut reactions he has if they are negative. He will almost certainly think your backing out trying to create walls to cut him off.
Only time will show him that's not what's happening.

Lots of positive thoughts and goodwill. Wishing you all the best for your future.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by Starfish86

Wow.. hang on a minute... i am asking for advice out of genuine concern and care for both my boyfriend and my son and selfishly myself.. you seem to be having a go at me little here... or perhaps i have mis read this?? I also wasn't only referring to violence, but more the distress i can see it causing my boyfriend and not knowing how to support him the best way i can.

I did say that he had gone into more detail.. i just didn't explain this as i didn't want to make the post any longer than it already was... so in fact he has had violent episodes at the same time as the psychosis. I'm no expert on the matter... and don't know if they are linked or not.. but i'm sure alot of people would misconceive also.
Also.. when you are put through all kinds(things you couldn't even begin to imagine) not once but twice, and have 15 years of abuse from people that are supposed to love you and escape that... it kinda makes you a little hostile towards men in general!!

Cheers for the advice though...

. I wasn't having a go at you.... I just wanted to help inform you that violence isn't inherently associated with psychosis....if your boyfriend has violence issues that's independent from psychosis but he may not be able to control it while psychotic.....this site is predominantly for people with mental illness and not having the proper information about mental illness could lead to misunderstandings like the one we just had. A lot of people do misconceive that there is a correlation but a lot of this has to do with the way the news misinforms as well is mass shooters must have psychosis.....There is a lot of stigma associated with mental illness especially psychosis but people with psychosis have a medical condition just like Heart disease or cancer....luckily we don't stigmatize them. Ie I hope you wouldn't find a cancer support site an suggest that they were somehow unsafe to be around your family. While I understand your concern given the abundance of misinformation surrounding psychosis it's hard for me to sit back and let misinformation stand.

[Hobbit House]

I agree with many of the other posts. Try to find out what his diagnosis is and what meds he was on. Once he gets back on his meds there shouldn't be a problem. Going off his medication wasn't a good idea for him to do. That's usually not wise. Do your research into his diagnosis. He needs your emotional support right now but you have to balance that with feelings safe. You have your son to think about. At the FIRST sign of abuse you should leave. Including emotional abuse!