[Born2Fly71]

I didn't know if I should post under narcissism, histrionic, or depression. I chose depression as the topic, because it is what I go through every day. The person I describe in my story is the narcissist and the story is like no other in my life. And so it begins...

I met her in high school back in 1989. She was beautiful, but there was always something a little off about her. She was fun to be around and always the life of the party, but there was a very deep, dark side, which found its way to the surface later. We used to eat lunch together in high school, but I always felt like she was out of my league, so I never pursued dating her. We graduated and went our separate ways. I went into the military and she ended up getting married at the age of 23.

Fast forward to 2009. While dropping off my daughter at daycare, I ran into her, and she recognized me first. We got to talking, and I found out she had divorced the previous year, as did I. We chatted for awhile, I gave her my business card, and left. Not 5 minutes later, she was calling me. We talked some more, and agreed to meet for dinner later that week.

The relationship immediately fired up with sex on the first night! It was incredible, but I knew in my heart that no healthy relationship begins this way. From that night on, she was overwhelming and full of energy. I could not make sense of it and my head was spinning. It wasn’t love; it seemed to be obvious desperation on her part. I didn’t really care because no one had ever been this interested in me, but something still told me to be cautious and take my time.

After a few weeks of being together, I broke the relationship off because on top of all of this, I was dealing with PTSD and going to the VA hospital for mental health treatment. She seemed devastated and said that she wanted to help. Her crazy making behavior was not helping me to focus on getting well at all. I told her I was not able to continue until I got treatment for my own issues. She agreed, eventually, and we went our separate ways.

After my treatment, I decided to give her a call. Once again, she rushed right over and we ended up having sex. I told her I wanted to try to make the relationship work, since I was feeling better about myself.

She was living with one of her brothers, and by all indications, it looked like he was in the process of kicking her out. I helped her move into an apartment, and we began to see each other. She did not have a job, and was living off of child support. Soon, everything became about money, but at the same time, she had no problem having fun, and spending mine. I gave her a laptop so she could look for a job. She ended up using it to go on a dating site to find another man. When I confronted her, she lied about it. The first of many lies.

After about 7 months, she got to the point where she was having trouble paying her rent and car payment. Like a sucker; I paid one months rent and a car payment for her. We were at odds over her not looking for a job. Eventually, I offered to let her move in with me, so that she did not get evicted and lose her car. (Mistake # 1). After she moved in, she immediately began to take over my house and my life. She tore down wallpaper and started painting every room in the house. Landscaping was next. Spending hundreds of dollars of my money without discussion. She then proceeded to pull up all of the asbestos tile in my basement. (I was going to have it professionally removed because of the health risk). She seemed unstoppable and was not listening to reason! It was a constant topic of our arguments. I told her that I required her to do only 2 things. 1.) Find a job, and 2.) Take care of her son. She was not interested in either.

Every time I paid attention to my daughter, she would get jealous, yet she paid very little attention to her now out of control son. She was always bothered greatly by someone laying their coat on the couch; and the like, but she was unmoved by the safety and wellbeing of her own son.

In 2010, we attended our 20 year high school reunion. At some point during the evening, she decided to smash a piece of cake in my face. Ha Ha, kind of funny, but it did not stop there. She did it a second time with more force, and I literally had cake stuck up in my sinuses. Now, I’m a little peeved. I go to the restroom, kind of embarrassed that people I have not seen in 20 years witnessed this event. After I clean myself up, I leave the restroom. Bam! She did it a 3rd time, as I came out the door. The third time actually triggered PTSD symptoms, and I was overwhelmed with fear and anger. I went over and sat at the bar for about an hour, and she just went about socializing like nothing happened. Finally, I left. I started walking home. I did not want to be around anyone, and I was livid with rage.

That event galvanized my opinion of her. We began to argue more and more. I was making a list of all of her offences, and it was killing me inside to think that this callous woman had ever really loved me, or was just using me for breaking up with her the previous year. I felt like I was becoming a narcissist *** because at this point I was always mad and trying to make sense of all of the red flags. I was becoming very empty inside. My depression was getting much worse, as I was unable to control a single decision within my own home.

Her behavior was becoming more and more unpredictable. She was not looking for a job and her pattern of doing whatever she wanted was getting worse. At this point, I felt like I was in the way in my own house. It felt like she was just going to take over and cast me aside. The behavior of her and her son was becoming more and more unpredictable. I knew she had issues with depression just like me, so I always tried to make sure that she was taking her medication. I tried to get her to go to couples therapy with me, but she wanted no part of it.

Finally, I gave up! I could not drive myself crazy worrying if she was cheating on me, lying to me, or any of the number of unpredictable things she had gotten herself (and me) into.
This turned out to be a mistake. Without supply, a psychopath narcissist will make you pay dearly. The fights with my daughter were causing my daughter not to even want to stay at my house anymore. I was losing the light of my life to the demands of a psycho girlfriend.

I gave her an ultimatum. Get a job, or get out. I could not stand the stress any longer. This woman had no love or empathy or respect for anyone, and her 8 brothers and sisters knew it, but did not say a word.

On the morning of March 22nd, 2012, she took my gun and shot herself.

The wound ended up being superficial. She ended up spending 2 weeks in ICU and 3 weeks in a mental ward.

Now, she is out there ruining other lives. I hear stories from time to time, but she is right back to her same old tricks. I asked her after the incident why she did it. Her answer was that she wanted me to find her dead. She just wanted the pain to go away. It has been the most devastating thing to ever happen to me in my life. I think about it every day. The depression is unbearable sometimes. I never could wrap my head around how someone could be so selfish and callous to serve only themselves, and leave a careless path of destruction in their wake.

I am so conflicted. Part of me wishes she had died, while part of me is thankful she lived.

That’s my story.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Born2Fly, 71, and welcome to Psych Central! I am sorry you had so many problems with this lady. You were wise to move on. I agree that it's sad she's out taking advantage of others. But she is never likely to seek therapy.

[Born2Fly71]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hello, Born2Fly, 71, and welcome to Psych Central! I am sorry you had so many problems with this lady. You were wise to move on. I agree that it's sad she's out taking advantage of others. But she is never likely to seek therapy.

Yes, I think that is why Borderline, narcissism, and histrionic personality disorder is so hard to treat. Most are too proud to seek therapy and end up losing one relationship after another. They tend to destroy the very people in their lives who give them the supply they crave. Very sad. I never in a million years though that I would witness something like this. What makes it so much worse, is my own depressive disorder. This would be difficult for even the strongest person to deal with.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Born2Fly71

Yes, I think that is why Borderline, narcissism, and histrionic personality disorder is so hard to treat. Most are too proud to seek therapy and end up losing one relationship after another. They tend to destroy the very people in their lives who give them the supply they crave. Very sad. I never in a million years though that I would witness something like this. What makes it so much worse, is my own depressive disorder. This would be difficult for even the strongest person to deal with.

I, also am sorry you went thru what you did. I, also, had a several year relationship with a narc, and it is devastating to live with, before, during and after.

With that said, I take issue (respectfully) with you lumping NPD, BPD and HPD all together. An NPD can have some traits of the other two disorders, certainly, however most BPD's are not adverse to help when they realize there is a reason their lives are so messed up. Unlike NPD, as I've said in other posts, people with BPD are much more likely to harm themselves, physically and emotionally than deliberately harm someone else...and even if they only think they might have hurt some one in any manner, they will often spend days if not weeks beating themselves up for their lack emotional control...even if that loss was brief, and actually uneventful to everyone else.

I know this because I am BPD. In some ways it defines me, and it is a daily, sometimes hourly struggle to keep it from sucking my self-esteem dry, and completely consuming my life. NPD's are very reckless and disregard anyones feelings because of a lack of empathy...they simply can't understand someone elses feelings...it's a completely different language---but because most NPD's are high functioning, they don't see there is anything wrong with how they relate to people, and even less interest in how they may have harmed them. NPD's are rarely self-aware enough to seek help...it happens, of course, but it's not the norm. People with BPD are (speaking for myself and others I have known), all about empathy..in fact, we often have too much of it.

I know little about HPD, so I hesitate to form a complete opinion about those suffers, but I'm relatively certain their lives and the lives of those around them isn't a bed of roses either.

Again, I'm sorry for your troubles, but please don't generalize between disorders. You do them, and yourself a disservice.

Take care

[gayleggg]

I hope you were able to repair the damage with your daughter. And are still getting mental health treatment. It is sad you had to go through this with all the stuff you were already dealing with. I hope things get better for you in the future.

[Born2Fly71]

"With that said, I take issue (respectfully) with you lumping NPD, BPD and HPD all together."

Understood. Thanks for the response! You are correct and I apologize. To clarify, my particular situation was the comorbid combination of the worst parts of 3 different PD's. I am also very sorry that you had to go through what you did. My prayers are with you. You hit the nail on the head. Before, during, and after the relationship. It is a tough pill to swallow, and takes a long time to make the journey back to peace and love.

[leepatton]

Hey man, really sorry about what happened to you with your girlfriend, that's awful. I'm 15 and I feel I may be getting into a similar situation. I've been friends with this girl at my school for two years and I've watched her slowly destroy her life and alienate her friends over time. There's been an abortion (not mine), drama, abusive relationships with boyfriends,etc. Despite this, she's been my best friend and I decided I wanted to date her. We've been dating for over a week and she's telling me all this awful stuff her ex just told her and when i asked him (my friend also) about it, he said that it was all taken out of context and never happened. Like your relationship, it went from zero to sixty really fast. We started dating Sunday night and we were making out hardcore by Tuesday (no sex though). My grandfather has been stuck in a situation like yours since the 60's and Im terrified that this is going to end up like that. I'm trying to figure out a way out, but I'm her only friend and I worry for her safety and I still really care for her. What should i do

[Erebos]

OP, I am sorry to hear about your experiences, from experience I know sometimes the aftermath is hardest to deal with. Replaying situations and events and wishing to God you had done things differently or sooner.
I hope you were able to repair the relationship with your daughter.
I am certain there are people here who might benefit from your experience.
All the best in your future.