[nina52]

As some as you know, my sister is dying of terminal breast cancer. She already exceeded the Dr.s expectation. She is 52 and the strongest person I know. Once she needed more help, my brother and I took turns staying with her. She had become very weak at that time. Along with Hospice Homecare we were able to get a 24 hr aide for the past 12 weeks. The grant that we had will run out next week. My sister lives in a lower income housing where there are a lot of disabled and older people. It is absolutely impossible for her to stay alone. She is left with only a few choices. Go to a nursing home facility, that will make her use up any and all of her savings and retirement funds.
Go to Hospice, but then she has to discontinue all treatment. The last is to come and stay with me, my husband and 3 girls.
The problem is that my father is not speaking to me at all and hates my husband. He has been labeled as narrcisistic, and is mean and very vengeful.
We have gone through this all of our lives, my sister, brother and I. If you don't side with him 100% all of the time, you are OUT. It has already been 6 months that he stopped talking to me.
My sister is worried that if she stays here that my father won't come to visit her. I told her there was no problem on my end and hospice told her we could work that out.
My father rarely sees her now. Maybe once every month or two.
She is upset with my husband because my father told her my husband is rude and an as-hole. My father accused him of being on drugs, which he is not, he is 100% clean. My father got me very upset the other day and for the first time my husband told him it was the last time he would ever upset me and our kids. He also told him to stay away from us because he didn't want my father to do to our children what he has done with my sister brother growing up. We were all so messed up. My sister and I have been going to therapy for 25 years because of the dysfuntional up bringing we had. My brother chose to drink until he hit rock bottom at 23yrs old. He has been sober for 23 yrs now. Now hhe just keeps his kids away from my father, always has. He also stays away from him for months at a time. So when my father wasn't talking to him, my father would come to my house and unload his issues, which he seems to have with everyone. The only reason he is speaking to my sister is because she is dying. At first he wasn't talking to her either.
For most of my sister's illness, and it has been 9 years now, I was the one who basically taken care of her. She is not sure where she will go, but I want her to come here so that I can take care of her all the way until the end. The problem she has, is worrying what my father will do or say and won't come here to see her.I love my sister so so much and want to care for her. I have no regrets with her, but I feel that I want to take care of her because it feels right to me. What is anyone's opinion about all of this? Am I doing the right thing? How do I solve the problem with my father?
Thank you all for reading this very indepth story. Good thing I shortened it.
Thanks Nina.

[bebop]

nina first let me say I am sorry your sister is sick.
if it were me I would bring my sister home with me. how long are they giving her at this point? maybe make a temporary truse with your dad until she is gone. I know it would be very difficult to do and with hospice help you could manage that I think. if your dad would agree to set up his visits with her so hospice could come sit with her even so you would not have to be there. just an idea but I do hope something works for you and your family.

[(JD)]

Only you can decide the right thing to do, for you. Whether you will be able to make a change afterwards, if it turns out not to be the best thing later on, that's also up to you.

I think you have to really research why you feel indebted to do this.
Why does it feel the right thing to do?
Will it still be the right thing when it totally changes your life, and your husbands? And maybe even affect
everyone you know?

Nursing homes can be ok places. Yes, to receive medicaid, you have to have moved your funds at least 3 years prior to your needing medicaid, otherwise you can lose them.

I don't understand why she loses treatment if she enters hospice; my dad didn't.

Maybe there's another option for her that hasn't been found? Keep looking.

Please remember that a relative's decision to not plan for their end of life situation is not a good enough reason for another relative to feel indebted to take care of them. We, as adults, must live with our decisions, even if one of them is to decide not to make plans.

[nina52]

Thank you Bebop for your reply. I have to say, you are always there with support for everybody. You are so sweet and thoughtful of every one elses; and most of the time more so than not you always seem to be very helpful, and right.
Thank you for your suggestion and support. I have tried to reconcile with my father for my sister's sake, but he wants none of that. He is very different than most people's father's are. Long story.
Again thanks, and if you ever need to talk, I am here for you!

Nina

[nina52]

Thankyou Sky,
I am taking your advise, and have been exploring all options still at this point.
Great advise though. I want to take care of my sister, until the end. I have basically been her caregiver for years. We are very close, but she needs to make her own decision.
My husband and children have discussed everything and are all on the same page, I will say however, that I am a little nervous about her living here.
As for hospice I meant that she cannot receive full hospice benefits if she is still on chemo. Or she cannot enter into the regional hospice here to live out the rest of her days, there is a free hospice facility. The nurses from hospice have already extended the rules for my sister all along.
Thanks again Sky.


Nina

[I_WMD]

52 ,,,, Ya know ,, you are the closest one to your Sis ,, and If it be Me ???

I would say ,, lets start putting things in order and Stay with You .
Then Brother can come by ... and Invite Dad to sit and be The Man peep and father figure ,, ask your Hubby to play along for sake of Sis ...... Your Daughters are so admirable as to careing and visiting their Aunt ,, Now they will have more time.

Do what works ,, and Try the best You can to pull those >> all those that matter together for this time of Love .. and Now Accept .

52 >> I >>... and Call when and If You would like to .

P M my mail here if ya forgot my #'s .

[onlymedid]

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. There is nothing one can say to ease the fear, worry and heartache that goes along with watching those with cancer suffering or in pain.

I moved to take care of my mother for the last 6 months of her life, but if I had to...I would have taken in to my own home.
I did what I did because I loved my mom. You love your sister and just want what's best.

You do whatever you feel will be the easiest and best thing for YOU. If taking your sister in and caring for her is what you want to do, then go ahead and do it.

Your father needs to learn that he can't always get his way and he should grow up enough to put everything aside and come see your sister.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you and your sister. I know it has to be tough, but hang in there.

BJ

[MyBestKids2]

Hi Nina,

My deepest heartfelt thoughts for what your family has endured. Sounds like your Dad has made his bed and is lying in it. You have chosen to care for your sister, and that is a beautiful courageous act of love.

Stick to your guns, you will never regret having your sister with you. I personally took care of my terminally ill mother, and never ever does a day go by that I regret that decision.

Good luck, and keeping you close in my heart.

[Perna]

As you say, your sister will make the final decision. Have you brainstormed with her ideas for how to get it to work out so you can care for her in your home?

I think if your father behaves badly in this last drama, you and your brother are not going to want to reconcile with him; I think you and your brother should talk together and put some pressure on your father, make sure he knows this; that his actions in the next few weeks and months will have consequences. Maybe you and your brother can get some sort of schedule going where your father agrees to come visit your sister at your home and only then present that arrangement to your sister so she is not conflicted about coming to live with you?

You have let your sister know that you are have no problem with your father seeing her and now it is just up to your sister. What you have done is amazing. With a father like yours, i see how this would be difficult but personally i think you have been amazing. Take care of yourself *hugs* and i hope you and your sister will be happy and things will be sorted out.

Thinking about this.... reminds me of my own family... I believe that bebop has some wise suggestions...

You want to be with your sister.. and she will want to be with you..

somehow convincing your father to visit... while there is hospice or a voluteer neutral person in the house... might very well work out... if you can present it to your father.. like he is "winning"...

my father was a very stuborn person... and.. sometimes... it is how I managed to make... things "work"... what "really" goes on behind the scenes.. doesn't really matter... because.. really the goal is for you and your sister to be together..

and... there is a great value... for your girls... to have time with their aunt.. and

for my son.. when something similar happen... it really taught him.. how precious life is... and how fully one must live it..

my thoughts are with you...

[SingleGirl]

This was posted a while ago. I hope I'm not posting with my foot in my mouth and that your sister is doing well or is at least comfortable.

I know your dad... in fact, we might be sisters. It is a very hard relationship to navigate b/c they will call you horrible names over the color of a cracker. They see any kind of disagreement as automatic rejection.

My dad is in the hospital right now and I told him to "f" himself just a few days ago. It makes me feel so guilty when I fight with him...

I honestly wish I had your strength and your grit to get through this without letting his anger get to you. That's what i'm struggling against right now.

Best wishes for a peaceful resolution.