Long Distance Love and Care

(((muffy))) as always, i love you... its possible that until the time we met here at PC i had never felt real love... thats not to say it didnt exist, but before us, i didnt understand it very well and i have had difficulty understanding it all... you showed me the way and i will love you forever, no doubt...

my current family situation has been something i have examined again and again.. i will say this.. i love them......

i will be offline (for those who read and follow) i will continue caring, praying, hoping, loving....

(((muffy))))) we are never apart in spirit LM ML Forever

((((nowheretorun)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))I love you always and forever. Your kind heart has always been there. You've touched me like no other. No doubt LM ML forever
You changed my life.
My heart is always with you. IN spirit and love. Take care of you lion....
we are never apart.

praying always for your family ...

(((nowheretorun)))))))))))))))))) your a good son. and a good person. kind one

((muffy))) yes we are together forever, in Spirit and in love ... you have helped me with this, as with many of the life questions we each are facing and together we have laughed, cried, and yes, even yelled... with you i have the kind of friend and mate who i know is always there, good and not so good and we have worked our way through many difficult obstacles and ordeals and i have no doubt that your heart is as good as the warm loving sun in the sky... i will love you always also my dear

well, this is the short version of whats been happening...

I had left Dads in August of last year.. there was quite a bit of tension in the house over some past events that re-surfaced during the year previous and i tried my best to turn everyones attention to what i considered the most important issue, that being everyones personal health...

Dad had just had a heart surgery (stents) and need recovery time but instead, personal differences overcame healthy thinking and the wars at home continued.. the pressure was so great that i called a few agencies for help and feeling that i had done what i was able to at that time, i left the area hoping that it would settle down...

i spent the next several months at my mothers home and became increasingly concerned about what appeared to me to be a deepening alcohol addiction and over time i expressed my concerns to her in a way that i hoped would encourage her to choose healthier patterns and would allow her to receive the maximum amount of joy with family.. instead, she saw my attempts as an intrusion on her lifestyle and in March we had a very big disagreement which ended with me threatening to call an intervention.. we havent spoken since but she sends her love via my sister..

Dad, on his side, rose from the dinner table one day and announced that with all the killing going on around the planet, he was going to save anyone else the trouble and was off to kill himself...

he drove to the funeral home and there removed an old and thankfully unreliable pistol from under the seat.. as he was in the process of examining the weapon, several police and sherrif deputies arrived and he was disarmed...

following that he was placed into observation and a team of mental health experts determined that the flow of blood and oxygen to his brain had become restricted which then created a kind of fantasy reality for him...

he has been treated with medications and he is returning more to his old self, talking about wolf puppies and cadillacs... he says he has no intent to harm himself or others but his times of clear thinking are not consistent and we are all very worried for him...

i hope you each are overcoming your own obstacles and as we all learn and grow i pray we each will hold hope in our minds and spirits...

(((nowheretorun)))))))))))))))))))))) kind one
with all you have been threw the last mths you are doing great.
I will keep praying for you and your family. As I said before you are a good son.
I know how hard all of this is. Make sure to take care of you too. Or I will have to yell. (((joking)))
Love you always

added this its so hard when the child becomes the parent. As thats how it feels at times .
You are a good person.

I am across country from my last remaining blood relatives of the previous generation, one of whom I am quite close to. I write her letters often, it helps me (a bit like writing posts here) and she enjoys getting the mail. She calls me on the phone occasionally and, as she's hard of hearing, it gets frustrating to me to try and talk to her that way but I know, since she is the one calling, she gets something out of it.

I send her old pictures and bits of genealogy about her/our ancestors and chat about what I'm doing (I've taken up quilting and sent her a lap quilt I made). It all counts, Nowhere! They know of and feel your love as if it were real.

((muffy))) im glad you've said this, thats exactly how it feels, like i am becoming the parent now, it feels better than being the perpetual child... its somehow freeing to be able to say what i think is better health for them.. it somehow puts me in a place that i am not controlled by them anymore and i can feel that i have grown up to a point in my life that others arent as easily able to push me around anymore and it feels right because i can support my feelings and thoughts with truth and facts

thank you for your prayers and kindness always

((Perna)) thank you for taking time to talk with me i am trying to do more to be the kind of person who sends birthday wishes or just calls to see how things are going.. with mom i am afraid of repeating the previous cycle that i have seen play itself over and over again.. i havent talked with her because i know i will still have the same things to tell her and she doenst want to hear it i'm not trying to ignore her but it just doesnt change

with Dad i am going to be staying more in touch now.. as before, step mom expressed her wish that i not be around so ive let her have her way on this again but i havent given up completely.. Dad will not get better and in time he will need assisted living.. i am only removing myself from the situation in order to avoid being blamed as part of the problem.. if the pressure rebuilds i will put myself into it again for Dad, right now i am just praying that the situation doesnt recur

ive done a lot of thinking.... i am going to look up the local meeting place for Adult Children of Alcoholics... i feel like i am beating my fists against the wall trying to get others to understand the importance of good health and maybe i can meet some others there who have been thru this... please wish me luck (((everyone)))))))

((nowheretorun)))))) I am glad its freeing to you.
You really kinda become their advocate. acually you do.
my prayers are always with you and your family

(((muffy))))

Dad was all set to be released.. step-mom wanted me to leave so i asked Dad to do all he could to get along with her and that i would be back in a month...

the day before he was supposed to be released (his birthday) he blew up at step mom calling her names and they wouldnt let him go back home with her...

the drama continues... i feel pretty spun out but im going to think positive.. the sun will rise

love all

(((((((nowheretorun)))

Sometimes, when we are all spun out, we turn HERE, to PC, to vent a bit, and to discover, time and again, we are understood, and our feelings are very, very valid_.......................

And to think you continue to think positive in the midst of it all........

You are such an inspiration!

(nowheretorun))))))))))))))))))) sometimes things happen for a reason. It could be that was not a safe place for him to go home too.
if you can put the drama aside for a day......... sit , relax, breath.
Thats alot to handle dealing with both parents in different spots.
if you can dear one take alittle time for you. I know its so hard.
And know you have done a good job with them.
The sun always rises.......

(((Junerain)))))) ty for those good and kind thoughts right now.. being encouraged helps me feel safe and with friends we are all very blessed to have this place we can come and share spirit and hope with each other... each of us is having some hardship in some way... being together as we are and caring like we do can help each of us riding in the storms... to know that others are there with kindness and hope, help and friendliness can smooth the fear and sadness .. i am praying for you and that your inner warmth stay there where it is now always, for yourself, for others, for all, always

(((muffy)))))

i know you are going through so much of your own right now.. we can join our strength and we can face the opposition and together we will give all of our love... love always wins kind one, as you know...

i talked with Dads social worker today... i had to agree with her that his focus on reality is fleeting... i am praying that he will do all he is able to get along with others now... (((Dad))))))

i spoke with Dad today by phone.. he is feeling very badly... he is depressed and in the background i can hear the screaming of the other patients i have met while visiting.. he is angry about being where he is... he is mad at step mom, mad at his social worker, mad at being there... i told him he has to find his peace, that peace starts with us and that we have control over our peace ... the dementia is ruining his peace, he has always been a peaceful man most of the time... i told him the only way out of where he is is to be nicer to others than he thinks they are to him.. i told him at least 10 times because i hope that at least one of them he was lucid enough to hear... i promised to call him soon...

lov always

((nowheretorun))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) dear kind one.....
dementia is one of the hardest issues to deal with in a parent. My heart and prayers are with you and your family. I am sure one time he heard you.
dementia can take your peace, when hes like that , that is the dementia talking as i know you know already.
WHen you can talk to him and hes here so to speak I know you will tell him you love him as i know you do.
Reasure him as i know you already do.
know you are a good son ..............
Plus most of all take care of you (((As you matter very much))))))))))))

I pray your father find just a piece of peace, in the midst of the dementia, the home, and most of all in you nowheretorun

((muffy))) ((Junerain)))) may you feel loved in your life always..

(((all))))

im so sorry for what im about to say, please understand my sense of pain in the moment.. i wish nothing but the best for all..

i was reminded this morning of two events that set the format for where i am now, what i am and i feel so much anger and resentment...

the first was when mom had her dui wreck... how i searched for someone then to care and to listen and be the grownup for me i needed so much then and the confusion in my mind was overwhelming... i needed to be rescued ..

the other time i was older, about 4 years later in grade school at the pool... a boy was drowning and needed someone to rescue him... some instinct pushed me into the water and there i almost drowned as i was pushed under again and again by the boy.. it was a fight for life for awhile and i was losing... i gave up and stopped fighting it... i drifted down towards the bottom and there was no fight anymore... only peace....

the teacher pulled the guy away from me and i saw light above.... i felt myself rising and i came back up to air.... something else made me paddle my arms and i made it to the side and dragged myself out of the water... i was really shocked none of the other students helped ...

im really angry at my sister... she is like those kids at the pool.... as if nothing is going on with Dad she goes to work where he is hospitalized and doesnt go to visit but says she cares very much and is doing all she can.... about our family she said the best we can do is handle it with grace...

i am not feeling very graceful right now..

Dear Sis, wish we could help Dad a little more somehow .. i know you feel you are doing all you can and so, well, i just dont know...

Step-mom...

sorry you are having this personal problem and sorry that it has spilled over and affected so many others in a negative and hurtful way... i am truly trying to understand what type of love you are teaching others in life since you have positioned yourself as the one who knows what is right for all... i hope you do find your loving center... whatever it was that turned you this way long ago in your life it sure is a bummer for Dad that you cannot let love into your life more and be the right and kind person you claim you are.. i know he would never hang onto hateful and hurtful feelings as long as you have because he is a lover, not a hater... i may not sound very loving to you right now either and all i can say is that it was you that taught me about love and kindness towards others ... it was you who made it necessary for me to think about it... it was you who helped to turn a boys natural wonder and love of life into one of pain, hurt, and confusion, with each slap, yell, chasing down the hall, slamming doors and cupboards, words intended to break and destroy... your face of power and rage and anger and spite.... im sorry someone really hurt you so bad it planted those seeds in you and you were powerless to overcome it and instead became bitter and angry, tired and worn, without friends or faith to help you now... im sorry you turned in life and joined the haters..

i suppose i needed to know more about love and kindness and if not for you i might never have had to search myself or this world the way i have for love and goodness and joy ... it is those of you who make us look deeper, longer and harder into ourselves and keep us turning back the layers of the onion, one by one, to carve out another layer of love to replace the layer of pain at the surface... for every layer of pain there is always another layer of love to be found and people like you keep us turning, looking and digging into the mystery further to find that love is always there, ready to catch us as we fall... you see, love wins...should i say thank you to you now? .. i pray Dad will go to his grave with peace and joy and honor and i pray he will know that he did not have a hater for a son...

i think i am supposed to be grateful for your contributions to my life... i really think i could have done without all of the harming and curses and judgments tho.. i hope you do find joy and peace and kindness sometime before you die so you can have understanding of what you have stood in the way of for others .. if that day does come before you die you will know the true power of love and you will be able to let go of your own hurt and heartache as i pray that someday my own will.. i pray you will have enough time left on Earth to enjoy it tho i do not think i want to spend that time with you... your lessons have been very expensive to me and i am only searching for a little place of happiness for myself now... i pray your afterlife is free of unkindness and i pray you do not have to be reborn to repeat the whole process again.. i pray you will find peace and love and joy while you are still here and that it will wipe away the tainted vision you have of what this Earth is... you see, life is about kindness and caring and love for others, not blaming and judging and hurting..

i suppose my prayer will not affect you in anyway except to encourage you to scoff and scorn but it gives me peace to avoid becoming what you have been...

Dad, im sorry, ive done all i can... we separated because of the way step mom treated me then and she is still the wedge between us... you married her, she served you, you owe her... i only ask for peace and i pray we all will find it sooner than later... please forgive me if i seem unavailable to you now, ive gone to look for my own peace and joy...

love always...

(((nowheretorun))) may you always feel loved too((ty))
no one has to say they are sorry for what they have gone threw in thier childhood.
How hard all of that must have been on you.
Its also very hard to have a sibling who will not help with the parents care, and since she is right there by him hard to understand.
My sister lived away, i was closer, but i still could not grasp why she would not help.
Some ppl i have decided just do not have it in them or can not handle it at the time.
Not making a excuse for your sister as in my eyes , she should visit him , Shes right there.
I will pray for you and your family.
go easy on you , take care of you , remember you matter kind one
may peace find you

((muffy))))) i just want to say... I LOVE YOU

each generation receives its share of challenges to overcome... at PC we battle hate with Love, confusion with kindness, despair with caring... in our real world, on our streets, in our homes, the same remedies will overcome what is real for us now and create the place we have searched for.. in time.. Never Give Up Kind one, you have my heart and love forever...

(((((((((nowheretorun))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))I love you

you're right each generation receives its share of challenges to overcome.
you have a kind heart dear one.

i cant begin to say how much everyones support has mattered while ive worked thru this with the family... without you i dont think i would have had the strength to keep searching for the best outcome and it looks like that is finally going to happen.. dad called yesterday, from HOME! he was given a 4 day pass and if all goes well he will be released completely into step moms care... im so glad .. i know this is the right solution and im very glad that the marriage is not falling apart at the end for them, they had worked so hard together all those years and being together, providing for each other was always their plan... Dads illness had him thinking some pretty unreasonable thoughts at times and im very relieved that he sounds like himself again

you all matter very much!

my prayers will be with you and your family
so happy things have worked out

((nwtr)) im glad u find love with every layer of pain in ur onion of life