[ApatheticLoser]

I was just wondering, why do some people continuously nag at other people and why do they feel the need to pick at other people. I have noticed I do this. I want to stop, but I never do. I don't even know why I do this. I couldn't seem to find anything on the Internet about the psychology behind nagging so I decided to hit the forums. I have noticed this other woman in my family does the same thing. She was having an argument with her husband. Well, not really an argument because he wasn't arguing back. She was just complaining and jumping onto him because of something that wasn't even his fault. So he offered to fix it. He didn't even reluctantly offer. He was being very agreeable and seemed to only want to make her feel better. Yet, she still wasn't satisfied. Not only did she refuse to take the offer, but she continued to nag at him. I know sometimes people get angry and become stubborn and refuse to accept an apology or an offer for help, but what was so crazy about this is it wasn't even his fault and even after he was going to fix it for her she didn't just refuse his help. She picked and nagged at him even after this as she had before and nagged for a long time afterwards. Maybe an hour or more. I don't even know why she refuses to let him help her, either. I mean it couldn't be to punish him for something he's done as he's done nothing. I don't think (judging from what I know about her) that it's because she thinks it'll make her look weak either. It was almost like she just wanted to be mad or wanted something to complain about. I doubt that's true though. It's just how it might look to outsiders. Anyways, she does this all the time. I do the same thing. I pick and nag at people for no reason or no good reason. Even after I see I am wrong or even after they apologize or remedy the situation, I still nag. I don't think I want to be mad and I don't think I want a reason to complain, so why do I do it? Oh, also now that I think about it, I have this distant cousin (but not that distant) who apparently did the same thing. People tell me she'd argue everyone over everything. It sounds almost like she just enjoyed arguing with people. She once argued a woman over what her (the other woman's) own child's name was. I don't expect anyone to analyze my psyche or diagnose me with anything or even give me a reason for why I do this. I just want to know what is the psychologist's view of nagging? Are their any explainations for it in the psychology books? What are they? Thanks.

[LMo]

Actually, I have a different answer to this.

Why my husband was at rock bottom, I found myself nagging CONSTANTLY. Usually just to get out of bed and go for a walk around the block. ANYTHING to show me that he was alive. I also 'discovered' that I tended to badger him for information about his feelings. The more I pushed, the more he resisted, but should I just stop? That idea was scary to me... what if I stopped and he took it as a sign that I no longer cared, and decided to..., well. You know.

We have a terrific therapist now and things are under control. However, what I learned about ME is that I nag and badger as a way of alleviating MY anxiety. Not that I need things to be perfect, but when I see things as being drastically wrong FOR ME, then my choices are:
- fix them myself, which makes me resent him
- nag to get him to fix them (which can mean just getting out of bed)
- do nothing, and have a nervous breakdown

That's what my anxiety does to me. I definitely don't want to control everything or make everything perfect. My husband is far more of a perfectionist than I am. But when I am worried and anxious about something, my response is to FIX IT and it frustrates me to no end to carry the weight of two people when the other, by virtue of being an adult, seemingly should be able to carry his own (I do understand the mental illness part, but hey, I'm human). His response is to go to sleep. Both responses are attempts to alleviate the same problem -- anxiety.

[LMo]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

- do nothing, and have a nervous breakdown

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'd like to add that we're focusing on this option these days during therapy. I started on Lexapro and it has helped immensely in terms of "doing nothing" and NOT having a nervous breakdown. The challenge is to eventually get off the Lexapro and be able to see that if I "do nothing" that the world won't explode. While I do not have extreme or paralyzing anxiety, our T wanted me to try the Lexapro (lose dose) to sort of 're-train' my brain by giving me a few months of experience in what it's like to take a less 'fix-it' approach. It has helped a lot. I don't have the pit in my stomach, I don't feel panicky if things aren't fixed immediately, and I'm learning how to pick my battles better. I'm a little worried about returning to old habits when I stop taking the Lexapro, but she said that it takes 6-9 months to retrain the brain and unlearn the bad habits, and she is pretty confident that I can kick my anxiety, since I am actively working to improve myself in this area. Her confidence in my is very calming in itself!

[cms39]

Good thread. I got myself into a bad fight Sunday night with my husband by nagging. I promised him I'd be nicer. I was for about three days. I started to complain again today, but I stopped when I realized it. I apologized and we made up.

[Myzen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
However, what I learned about ME is that I nag and badger as a way of alleviating MY anxiety.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Lmo,

Such a good point, and brave of you to take ownership of that.

It is such a gift, when we realise that we have been making things harder for other people. I used to lose my temper with others as a way of reducing my own anxiety (that was a very long time ago, thankfully). Now I face anxiety head on, as my issue, not anyone elses. As you might guess, all my relationships have settled down nicely since I learned that one lesson.

Cheers, Myzen.

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What's the Psychology Behind Nagging?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think it is a "habit of disrespect for another person" [opinion, behavior, or boundaries].

Recognizing "why" you nag is important. It's a good quality to want to better yourself. I respect you for noticing your tendency to nag.

I used to nag, too. I think I learned it from my abusive childhood. I quit nagging because I realized it didn't help the situation at all. My desire wasn't to control people and have them miserable. My desire is for a real "intimate" relationship with my friends, family, and significant others. Nagging had to be eliminated for intimacy.

Are you trying to control the person or get something done? You should not try to control someone. Let them be who they are. You want to be you. Change can only happen in yourself. If you want something done, do it yourself and quit complaining.

Are you being passive/aggressive? Basically, are you saying the person is incompetent? There is no excuse for being insensitive to someone you love. Apologize and quit nagging.

I think you'll have no problem at quiting the nagging. Very good observation!!! (((((hugg))))))