Stepping Back into the Borderline

I have been doing so well. I have accomplished so much. The work I have been doing in therapy on my borderline coping skills has gotten me to a place I never thought I could be...ever!

I used to work for a metaphysical book store. I loved working there. I grew so much over the years I worked there because it was a supportive environment with great co-workers and a good boss. I felt like I was an asset to the store and appreciated. I felt good about what I did.

Last August the store moved to a new building the the boss and her husband built. Since that time work became and energy drain. I won't go through the whole thing because it would take forever. Simply put after the move worked sucked me dry. I dreaded going because I could never do enough.

In December I had it out with the boss and her husband. I sat in the break room with them for 45 minutes and told them in a calm cool manner that I didn't like what they were doing to a co-worker and that I felt it was wrong. I didn't lose my temper, I didn't cry and I used force of will to keep the topic on track and not let them pull me into other drama. It was amazing. Two days later I self injured for the last time. In January I started applying to other places for work.

Last month my hours got cut again. Our hours have been hacked back repeatedly over the last few months because the store isn't making enough money in the new location. Mine got cut back to 16 hours a week. Everyone else was getting 20. I got upset, talked it out with the manager. Wasn't satisfied. Then through an amazing series of serendipity which I give thanks to the divine for, I got a new job at a small pharmacy in walking distance from my house. I quit. I had an exit interview with my boss and told her why I left which wasn't just about hours but how poorly I felt at work. I have started my new job, been training for the last few weeks. High Stress.

I am telling you all this because I wanted to illustrate just how high my stress level has been. EXTREMELY HIGH. But through it all I have been able to talk myself through and not self injure and not go into that dark place. I have stayed out of circular thinking and with effort have been able to find the grey in each situation. I have been trying to take good care of my physical and mental body. Getting enough sleep, taking healing baths and daily showers. Letting myself be. I have done so good!! Awesome, Magnificently! I like my new job and my new coworkers say they are impressed by me. All is wonderful!

Until Monday. Monday was my 18th anniversary with my husband. We both worked so we decided we would go out to dinner on Wednesday instead. No big deal. This happens every year. But I bought my husband a card. He didn't buy me one. He said that he was going to on Wednesday. Then he said that he had made plans to go out to see his friends new house. This was no big deal to me. I have been extremely sick with a cold and trying to train and work with it has been tiring so going to bed early would be a good thing. He told me he would leave their house at 11 unless **** got there earlier then he would leave there earlier. So I figured he would be back by 12. Ha! That is a joke. I woke up a midnight then every 15 to 20 minutes after that (I was drugged up on niquil) and he wasn't there. Finally at 2:53 (I looked at the clock) I dragged myself out of bed just to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep on the couch and I was worrying about nothing. I looked in the kitchen to see if he was on the computer and then in the livingroom to see if he was sleeping there. He wasn't home. My heart went up into my throat. I was so scared.

Now for some history. Ever since I moved in with him he has been doing this to me. He will tell me he will be home at a certain time like 11 and then doesn't show up until after the bars close. This is bad enough in itself but my being borderline magnifies the problems 10 fold. I have on many occasions been a fraction of an inch from killing myself because I was so convinced that he had died in a car crash and I was all alone. I have done so much damage to my body and my mind and my heart chakra trying to cope with this situation. I screamed at him for this, I have talked rationally to him about this I have begged him to please no matter what the time call me to let me know he is going to be late. Still to no affect.

Anyway, monday night after I saw he wasn't home I looked out the window and he was just pulling in. The relief flooded in. Which sucks because the relief comes and I am so grateful that he is still alive that I dont give him hell. I did say something when we were in bed and asked him to appologize but his appology isn't enough.

So, here I have coped stunningly well with a miriad of stress and complication in my life without breaking down and hurting myself. I have done more then I thought possible. Then my husband comes along and acts like an ******* and I have suddenly been sucked back to thinking about all the ways I can make myself bleed. I survived months of stress without resorting to self injury and now this one incident is trying to get me to put the blade to my arm. Grrr. It isn't right. It makes sense though. He is my closest personal relationship and my ego has not fully seperated from his and with him continuing to do old things that tigger me into past memories and all that wonderful stuff it is no wonder I HATE him right now and want to take that anger out on myself. Because of course I can't hate him because without him I would die so I have to hate me. But I don't hate me. ARGH! Gotta call my therapist. *bitterly laughing out loud*
Zen

I am in awe of your strength and growth in your healing and recovery path.

You've shown so much tenacity in getting through these stressful times and to be able to read your ways of coping now versus back then is incredible!

Thank you so much for writing all that out and sharing it with us here. You've provided much hope and valuable information here for BPDers as well as the rest of the population.

Thank you Zen.
__zh

Zen
Let me know how you are doing. Sorry things got all swirled around in your head and you are having a difficult time using your healthy coping skills.
Please PM me when you can.
Glad you are calling your T. See, your coping skills are still strong !

Zen, I'm really proud of your strength. I know you'll make it through, and not allow the problems with your job and your husband to overwhelm you. I think, in addition to consulting your T, you should have a little heart-to-heart with your husband. I know how hard it is to control how upset you must be, and how worried you've been about your man. So I really think you should let your husband know that his behaviour is unacceptable to you. It's not all right for him to be out that late if it upsets you that badly, Zen--and he needs to understand that his coming home at a reasonable hour is important to you. He should respect that. I'm sure that you both can reach a compromise if you talk it out.

Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon.

Take care,

~Alexiel

This situation has gone past my being able to sit down with him and tell him this. You see, he has been doing this since I moved in with him in 1985. I have had many discussions about this with him. I have screamed at him, I have talked reasonably, I have resorted to begging him to please please please take 3 minutes out of the night and call me to let me know that he isn't dead. It would serve no purpose to discuss it again with him outside of therapy. The only thing it would accomplish is to continue a very long cycle. I would end up breaking down he would end up apologizing and in a couple of weeks or a few months it will happen again. No, I will not speak with him again about this outside therapy.

I did talk to my therapist today. She is of the opinion that my desire to self mutilate today is my acting out his anger. I have done all the appropriate steps in managing my anger. I told him I was upset and I told him what needed to be done. In fact it wasn't until the day after I told him we needed to meet with our therapist about this that I started feeling like I needed to self injure. If the need to self injure was connected with my actually speaking my needs (which has happened in the past) I would have had the need yesterday morning. It wasn't until I had personal contact with him for an extended period of time (over dinner and a walk through the park) that the need started building. I am quite empathetic. I tend to pick up and contain other people's emotions. I am learning to seperate their emotions from mine. Sometimes I can do it on my own but often times I need my therapist to help me sort through it. That was the case this time. As we talked through what happened I realized that my anger didn't match up with the craziness in my head because I had indeed gone through the steps that I need to take to manage my anger. The emotion was coming from outside myself. Since talking to her I have only had mild lingering self injury cravings and short spurts of circular thinking. Right now I am fine.

My husband and I will be going to therapy on Thursday. My therapist told me that it would be a good idea to mention his repressed anger so he would have a chance to think about it before meeting with her. I know he carries a lot of anger about our sex life. We haven't had sex in months. In that past it was me who avoided sesx. I have brought it up in therapy and we were given assignments to increase intimacy but he has been the one to derail them. I have tried hard to work through it but he continues to try to keep the statis quo. My therapist says that the focus has been on me for the last 5 years, now it is going to have to be turned on him so he can work through his anger before we can move forward in our relationship work. It is weird to not be the one who is acting out.

Oh, she stated that if I chose to injure myself today, I would be acting out his anger which would enable him to continue to not experience it for himself. I would re-establish my place as the "sick one" which would be a good thing for him on an unconcious level because then he could focus on my problems and wouldn't have to look at his own inadequacies. She asked me if I wanted to continue having that job description. I told her H*** no. I have been working far to long and far to hard to continue with the same old programs.

Now I have to just hold onto this reality for a week and not let his emotions control my life. I am a bit scared because this is the point in which he has to decide to stay the same or to change. I can't stay the same because I have already changed. If he decides to stay then... Well that is for later. I don't need to worry about that right at this moment.
Thanks everyone for listen to me ramble.
Carrie

PS Reading back over this I realized that I speak a lot about self injury and I fear that you will think this post belongs in the self injury section. But in this case I hope that you will see that I am trying to focus on the symptoms of my BPD and that self injury is just an outward manifestation of the illness. For me it is a clear indicator that something has gone awry. Thanks for your patience.
CK