BPD...mini-rant *might trigger?*

...is so not fun. One minute I'm as lighthearted and happy as I can be, the next....boom boom, here comes the rage. Don't get me wrong, I rarely get screaming fits and I never hurt or threaten to hurt people....but sometimes, that silent rage creeps up on me, and for the smallest reasons. My T forgets to return my call or shows up late...a snide or careless remark...a wrong look...a gesture...and sometimes more or none of these...and I feel by blood begin to boil. Sometimes I just get mad at everyone, sometimes at me, sometimes both. Sometimes I just hate myself. I'm always wanting to change my name and move away...and I get so lonely sometimes. It's so hard for me to make lasting relationships, even though I'm always polite and (i guess) easy to talk to....as the friendship progresses, the other person just seems to drift away. Sometimes, I'm warm, then cool, then warm again. I just don't know what to do. I try so hard to be a good person, but it seems like it all comes undone the moment my anger flares and I (verbally or emotionally) lash out. And I don't always know why I lash out. Sometimes, problems are magnified for no apparent reason. I can go from idealizing a person one moment and despising them the next; from forgiving heart to rightious avenger of past mistreatment. I'm studying to be a psychologist--how will I ever be fit to help people if I can't even help myself...?

Please forgive me my rant-- I really needed to vent some feelings. I hope everyone continues to be happy and be safe.

Take care,

~Alexiel

Alexiel,
It seems like you are writing about me...that is how similiar my mind works.
Same issues with my T, same issues with friends.
Sometimes I think I should just be a hermit and not bother anyway.
Thank you for venting how you feel. It didn't seem like a rant to me.
Maybe together we can try and figure out how to overcome all of this.
PM me anytime!
Susan