[pimprenelle]

I wonder if I am not too understanding with people. Here are 2 examples. They are very different. I believe I have been too understanding in different ways. I am still optimist to be able to rectify that in a constructive way with the man I have known for 6 months, but I am very pesimistic with my childhood friend. Let me know what you think. I don't want to start thinking that people are abusive with me. That's too easy. Some are, some are not. Right ?

Case 1 : I am dealing with a Mr don't-know-what-I-want-afraid-of-commitment (my analysis).
After 6 months of flirting and hiding on his side, I didn't turn up "by chance" anymore nor did I write for a good month. Just to give you an idea : the last 3 times I saw him, after I wrote about my feelings to him, he told me he was HAPPY alone, he didn't need ANYBODY and that I obviously needed something he didn't want (he meant: a child, I am 35 and he is wrong about that). I said to myself: OK, forget it ! BUT the next time, he started a very enthusiastic and interested discussion with me about children and mariage in general. He seemed a happy person. I had to remind him to go back to work !
The next time he offered his help very cautiously because I was looking for an appartment. The time after that he said he didn't want to share an appartment (I never mentioned anything like that but he believes he knows what I think). A week later, he was hiding in his office (!). Weird, I know.
After a month I met him by complete chance. He started a discussion again, trying to find out where on earth I had been, suggesting I had probably many friends etc... well very interested once again. He insisted on telling me where I could meet him "by chance", but I didn't show interest (I am too old for that).
He then inquired where he could meet me (first time he did that), the exact time and days etc... but no specific date was arranged and I am sure he is going to change his mind again. I think he may just have felt bored because his buddies were not in town. He said that "often you see only the good side of things, but you forget about the bad parts". Like buddies don't replace a girlfriend ? Do you think it is a start of a thinking process or should I give up right now ? I must add that I have given up my job in another country and moved back to France, but I think he still believes I may change my mind and move back after the vacation. He is also very cross at my friendship with his best friend. I think he is looking for obstacles because there are no real ones. I wonder how far he could take it. Could he really sabotage everything out of fear ? I must admit that I was pushy in the beginning but now I started to calm down and build a new life. Friends are not really helping. Sometimes they say what they believe I want to hear, sometimes they give contradictory advice : let's see what comes, don't be pushy, he needs time after 6 years of being single, let him come AND if he was interested, he would have done more, time flies by, he is going to drive you away one way or another, maybe he is going to find another, easy girl to get away from a commitment with you (she did that with several guys right after her divorce)... The psychological articles I read say : wait, wait, wait, build up trust and show that you have your own life, that you don't depend on him. Hurrying things means losing him.
He is a very fine person otherwise. Also selfish, a bit childish and into his habits, but I don't mind. I like his bad sides.

The thing is : I am pretty lost right now. I am starting a new treatment to calm down but I don't want to stop the pain because it helps me to make changes in every aspect of my life. I think I want to wait and see. I think there is progress even if it is not spectacular. Am I wrong to be an optimist here ?

Case 2 : I just got a call from my childhood "friend". As usual, she started making small-talk, which was fine coz I was finally at peace with my plans. I had met this guy again, on a parking lot and as I had predicted this time he tried to run away (some kind of rythm : one step forward, one backward), but he couldn't avoid me without being exceedingly rude, so he was holding the door of his car in front of him like a shield (!), looking scared like I was going to expect unspeakable things from him. No Hollywood film would get away with this !! It had some comedy potential.
Once again, he couldn't help it but answer a simple question ("new car?") with a life story (he said he had borrowed the car from the "mother of his daughter" and given her his own for her to go on vacation with their daughter. Why can't he say "ex-wife" ? Weird. Is a woman just a mother or a child, never a partner ?). Anyway, I didn't talk to him that day because it is useless to talk to somebody on the run. I will do so IF/WHEN he comes to me. Funny, I didn't feel really angry this time. Maybe, because the fact that I can predict his moods is reassuring somehow. Don't know.
Anyway, I didn't feel like talking about this with my friend, because in my mind it was time for "action" and I was getting in the mood for it.
She just said :"I told you he was making fun of you !!! He wasn't really interested!". When I said that I didn't agree, she got mad at me, saying that statistics don't lie (?), that it was so obvious, that she was dealing with facts (unlike myself) etc... When I pointed out to her that 2 weeks ago, when I was reasonably sceptical, she said to me "It's obvious he likes you ! He wouldn't spend so much time talking to you otherwise!!! His behaviour is pretty clear !", she got even madder. She said I had misunderstood, that she warned me, blah, blah, blah
I hung up on her. She was just yelling. She seems to feel entitled to knowing what is right or wrong, what's true and not because she had a rough childhood. I was probably too understanding with HER. I learned a lesson: don't listen to your friend's advice if your gut feeling tells you otherwise ! don't listen to them, unless you are sure they ARE your friends, don't listen to them unless you are sure they don't project their bad experiences on you.
She is probably talking to her boyfriend, telling him I am hysterical and that I can't handle the truth. I don't care anymore. I finally realize that she is an abusive person. What do you think ?
I guess I should thank this man for helping me understand this ! If only for that, he had a positive influence on my life. Now, let's take care of the rest, right ?

[krzyk101]

Hello, Pimprenella,

I am not sure I follow the entire thread, I do want you to know I have read it thought and do hope that it all works out.

It was seeming to what I could understand or follow that the 'communication' between you and this man seemed to be somewhat responses which he did not directly say to you and in turn, seemed you may have answered questions not directly asked to him. I do this often as I am not very good at communication and tend to 'read into' others facial expressions, body language. I have really caused myself uneeded stress over not asking the other person a like, exact question and getting an exact answer. I still battle this communication issue and understand how frustrating it can be.

I wish you the best --Take Care,
Kris

[Rapunzel]

That situation sounds pretty frustrating! The people in your life don't sound like they are being very consistent. I don't know that there is a such thing as "too understanding," but maybe what you need to do is decide what it is that you want, consider whether these people want to be part of that, and then do what you need to do. What would you like to change or to happen?

[Fuzzybear]

I have to say I am confused, but I like your post. I think I am too understanding and tolerant as well
Take care of you first,
Good luck,
Fuzzy

[pimprenelle]

Thanks everybody !

I think I know what I want, but it is indeed difficult to read into other people's mind. I wish there was some communication. I would much rather have direct answers. From now on, I will stop believing anything at all. As long as I don't have specific questions and answers, I will practice my blank face and repeat "I don't understand. What do you mean by that ?" or "What's your point ? I am a busy woman". Imagine his face!!! Oh boy.

[Myzen]

Hi pimprenelle,

You've made me think about something. 'Mindreading' is one of the things psychologists warn us about.

We do it when we are not sure of our position with other people. However, when someone really likes us and makes it plain that they do, the signals are strong and unmistakeable. It has happened only a few times for me, and the rest of the time I have done a lot of mindreading. I think that mindreading is just another name for worrying.

I can tell you this - you won't have to do any mindreading with me.

I hope that your 3d life picks up soon, and that you get some positive and unmistakeable vibes to enjoy.

Good thoughts, M.

[pimprenelle]

I know, I know.
Yes, I try not to mindread, but some people are not clear for lots of reasons other than not being interested. Being a worrier myself, I don't believe a positive thing until it's obvious to the whole universe.
Being ambiguous allows you to retreat in case of danger for example.
Some people communicate like that unless they are forced to do otherwise.
I can feel that he really likes me but I feel fear as well.

But you can't build anything on that. So if it is temporary: fine. If not I will of course look for somebody else. It happened to a friend. She wasn't sure about a guy's feelings because allthough he seemed happy to see her, he never asked to see her. She insisted and now they are a happy couple. The guy was divorced and his ex-wife made his life miserable, so he wanted to wait and see. He was very glad that she didn't give up. He needed the time. So it is not that simple. I wish it was.
I am still playing dead. Let's see how he acts when there will be no hope of chance encounters anymore.
I just cancelled a meeting at his office. I have been too predictable until now. Let's be unpredictable.