Getting ready to see the T again

I'm scared to say the least, and my appt is still two weeks out. I'm finally going back to the doc for the first time since Feb and it's a huge step for me that was urged on several levels. I feel like my life has fallen apart after it seemed so steady for a while. I thought that I understood what BPD was, how it affected me, and what it did to the people that I had relationships and friendships with.

I was sorely mistaken. My friends have distanced themselves from me and my girlfriend left me a week ago, citing that I had fallen back to how bad I was before the other time that I sought help.

I don't expect my friends really to understand BPD, though I did purchase a couple books, two of the more common, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and "Lost in the Mirror," which the second I read myself in an afternoon and took a fair bit away, and I believe that a bit of it was too much for me to handle at the time without assistance in understanding the implications of what happens to people to cause something like BPD to manifest within someone. I gave the books to my now ex girlfriend, whom has promised to read them, though I now doubt the truthfulness of her saying that she would give me another chance if I went back to the doctor. I guess this doesn't matter at the moment though. (Trying not getting down on that situation.)

So what am I getting at by all of this? I'm in a situation where from the book "Lost in the Mirror," I took something incredibly personal away from the book. The idea of "zoning out" problems or things that have happened in their life and it's implications on who I am today. I make attempts to recall my childhood only to have flashes of times, but I know that there should be more there. I'd never thought about it before, I suppose in part because I'd never been put in a place where I was expected to remember so many of the things that have happened in my life. I know that I grew up in a very abusive home where my mother was helpless to stop everything that went on there, but I can't help but know that there was more to it than that.

I haven't been able to stop wracking my brains lately, the thoughts dominating my every thought, along with my heart being utterly broken due to my girlfriend leaving me. I've tried to explain to her that I don't remember some of the things that she's told me. It's hard for her to believe, but she does believe me. It's hard when you don't even know who you are or what made you that person, just that they feel so "broken."

I just hope that someone has some sort of coping strategy to get by these next two weeks. I've been in an incredibly bad place as of late, I've fallen nearly back to SI as a means to rid myself of the pain that I'm going through, but so far I've been able to fight it off. Suicidal thoughts abound, I almost question if I need to be protected from myself in this time, as I truly don't know if I can trust myself to keep me safe. I don't know all of my options, though it seems like there really are only a few.

- Keep trying to fight everything off.
- Go to the hospital and recieve treatment.

Giving up is not an option. I love my ex girlfriend too much, and I want more than anything to be able to fix myself and get back into treatment, as she said that she would only give me a chance if I saw the doc again.

I just don't know what to do.

I think it's great that you are recognizing the problem and taking responsibility and seeking help. That attitude is what will make this work for you. I don't know if your girlfriend will respond as you hope or not, but if you can get to where you are in control and can recognize your patterns, you will be a lot better off.

I wish I knew what else to tell you, but I'm still working it out for myself too. Just wanted you to know you have support here.

Rap