When you're ready to be done

What keeps you here?

People who love me keep me here, especially my children. No matter how bad I feel, I have never been able to abandon them, knowing the pain they would feel.
C

here on this site or here on this earth?

Here on this site - I stay because there are people here that care about me and I care about them and no matter what I am going through there is at the least one person and post that knows and has gone through what I have.

Here on this earth - well dispite having two terminal illnesses I am still alive so obviously some part of me wants to be on this earth,

I also know that when my child does come home he is going to need me to be here to help him navigate how to livie outside residential treatment centers, and someone to show him that he is worth my staying here for.

Above all No matter how easy it is to pick up a bottle of pills he does not deserve having to go through the effects that my death woud do to him by my selfishly choosing the easy way out.

If I die then my abusers win not me for I wont be here
If I die I haven't hurt myself for I will no longer feel the pain but I will be hurting my child, my friends and family for they would be left with such pain and anger that my death could and possibly would take some of them over into leaving this world too.

So I unselfishly choose to stay in this world for my child, my friends and family and to prove my abusers lost and I am the winner regardlless of what they did to me.

When I no longer have time in my "real time" life to be here. I have to spend all of my time packing up both my mothers home & my home in order to move. If I don't have both homes sold within the next 6 months, I will have NO money to live on at all. When I realized that I only have a few thousand dollars left to live on, I realized that the only thing I can focus on now is packing up both homes & getting things settled. I don't even have time to ride my horse or spend time training my yearling.

To be honest, I am truely afraid that I will not make the deadline. I have gone through so much money & my migraine meds cost so much even now with prescription coverage. I am constantly having anxiety attacks which only harm me rather than help me do all the work that is ahead of me.

It isn't a matter of being ready to be done, it is a matter of necessity.

Debbie

Ummm...addiction?????

"If I die then my abusers win not me for I wont be here"

That is my reason

Yup that one is a real powerful motivator isn't it. It was my first and only motivator for years and years.

They did all they could to abuse me and so on but as long as I am still here fighting I am the winner. they could call me all kinds of names and do all kinds of damage but they could not kill the will to survive.

We have all been to Hell and back but in my book we are all winners because we are here and our abusers are not. We have won as long as we remain alive.

The hard part is done - living through the experiences. Now we have the frosting on the cake - the rest of our lives. I for one am not going to allow my abusers to take that way from me by choosing what they wanted me to do - leave this earth at their hands. In this case their hands are the effects I am left with - the panic attacks, depression, nightmares and so on. They HAD my past and I am not going to give them my future.

The future is mine to do with what I choose and I choose not to GIVE it away.

"They don't call us survivors for nothing"

I don't know. There's just nothing that seems to matter anymore.

Hang in there and it will come to you or that something will come along and you may find one day you are saying to yourself wow so this is why I went through and why I had to be here now I can.... sometimes that purpose and meaning and thing that matters comes in the most unlikely way...

Which is what happened to me. I was constantly asking myself why bother why hang on why me why why why and how how how's until one day a prison guard asked to come into the real life support group I was in to talk to us about his inmate offenders program. he said that once incarcerated inmates don't have to deal with what they did and the lasting effects of what their crimes do. they go to prison and supposedly find god and supposedly are rehabilitated and then are released and in time be it a day to a year later a majority of convicted rapists are back in prison for the same crimes that got them there to begin with. He wanted to put the effects and faces back into thier lives and asked for some of us to be his guest speakers. I went not intending to say a thing and came out of that prison knowing that what I had said had opened at least one of the inmates eyes as to what his crimes against his 2 year old daughter has done and the legacy of what he now represents in her life - a life of pain and left over emotional problems. If I hadn't gone through what I had I never would have been able to do that.

That was when I realized yea some horrible stuff happened to me and I can take the easy way out and forever be remembered in the memories of those who knew me as - yea "myself" was my friend but she killed herself. Or I could take what happened to me and help other people who are where I used to be. Now when it is my time to go not due to my hands but because of the natural order of life and death. how am I going to be remembered by those who knew me - "yea I know "Myself" she was the one that testified in a governors taskforce and that task force created the laws that are now active in the state." Myself'? yea wasn't she one of the ones that came into my9th grade homeec class as a support group member that talk helped me to get out of a bad situation....

If people told me 20 years ago that I would become a guest speaker and use what happened to me to help others I would have told them they needed a vacation on the nearest nut ward, or asked them if someone had slipped them some bad weed laced with PCP.

Hang in there life is what you make of it. Nothing in life is guarenteed and some of the most horrendious horrible situations makes for the best types of survivors, advocates, lawyers, doctors, therapy professionals.

All it takes is the will to say ok I don't like where I am and so I am going to make a new road for me to travel on

It take nothing but opening a bottle of pills to commit suicide but it takes courage and skill and the will to want it to become a survivor.

You made it this far. how about giving it a shot for a bit longer you may surprise yourself I know I surprised myself and I continue to surprise myself every day that I wake up and find that I have yet another day to mold the type of life I have into the type of life that I want for myself and my child.

One thing I do when I think nothing matters I look around and say not even my prized possession matters. Then I make a goal around that to see just how much it matters in my life...by seeing just how long I can really go by not turning on that tv, not listening to my music and so on Just sit on the couch and not go for a walk not do anything, not even fidget picking the lint from the couch for if I am picking the lint up then even the couch being full of lint matters otherwise I would not be picking the lint off even as just for something to do.

Try it. I know I was surprised at what in my life matters to me right down to what I eat and drink. I was shocked by going groceriy shopping and fould that even the choice of toothpaste, and dish soap matters to me. for one foams too much or doesnt work right and so on

I bet you will find lots of things really matter to you and that you cannot just walk into a store and pick up the first thing in that catagory on the shelves.

This activity comes from one of my therapists who made this challenge to me one day when I told her nothing matters anymore. She told me "ok lets get in my car" and then she drove me to the nearest store. then in the car told me to prove it walk in that store and pick up any CD. The only requirement was that I had to have no feelings about it. I could not like or hate it, I could not buy it because I am curious about it from seeing comercials, like or hate the package design and so on for the meaning of things not mattering anymore is there are no feelings about anything and everything right down to my music that I listen to.

I learned that I may not feel like anything matters but if I took the time to look at my life and things around me I would find what really matters to me. I just had to be willing to look for those things instead of only looking at and for the negative.

Take care.

Thank you for your post myself. As a recovering "attempter", I found it very inspiring.

You said "sometimes that purpose and meaning and thing that matters comes in the most unlikely way..." Yes, I could not agree more.

There are days that are incredibly dark but I am grateful now to have my life. All that mattered once was to escape ... permanently. And I almost succeeded. Now I still escape, but only to the security of my bed or some other safe place until the darkness passes.

I am one of the lucky ones. And despite my illness, I am so grateful for that. And that seems to matter to me.

(((jammerlich)))