[AlteredState01]

I am continually surprised at myself about just how naieve I am, or rather, just how naieve I keep allowing myself to be.

It truly is astonishing to me, when, over and over again, I'll start to allow my defenses to drop just a little, then BAM! Seemingly out of nowhere, a metal trashcan lid smokes me square in the face! "A trashcan lid?" you say to yourself. " What a weird metaphor to use!" And just tad bit "dramatic," don't ya think? Well, there's a reason for that; (aside from the fact that I have strong histrionic tendencies) actually there are two reasons...

Another thing that always amazes me is: I know it's coming, I expect it to come, yet I never, ever see it coming? EVER! Why is that? Am I masochistic? I guess I could be considered that way to a degree because of borderline/self-sabotaging behaviours (or would that be sadistic, because I am, after all, my own punisher?), but geez, does it have to be so "underground" in my psyche?

What's even more amazing to me is that I can take someone else's problem and/or pain, make it my own, then proceed to pummel myself relentlessly until I am on the floor all bruised and battered. Only after I give myself a good poo-kicking do I realize that it is not my pain I am dealing with; it's not even my problem! Like, I'm not creative enough to come up with my own stuff, that I have to borrow other people's pain? C'mon! What the %#$& is wrong with me???

Maybe, if I looked at it like I am lifting part of a load off someone, then it would be worth it, right(?), and I can get some sort of - I don't know - comfort(?) from it all? I certainly don't learn anything more from it...

Unfortunately, I know this is not reality.

These patterns are all so evident to me - even as I progress further and further into them - I still see what I am doing! The disconnect comes in the inability to stop it! I am even lucid enough to practice techniques designed to help curb these behaviours, but do they work for me? NOOOOOO. The same pattern just keeps appearing and I keep following it like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Oh well, maybe things will be different from now on. Maybe the simple act of writing this down and just sending it off into cyberspace will change things. I doubt it though. I've discussed this issue ad-nauseum with my therapist and it hasn't changed a thing. Oh well, 'se la vie', as they say!

I'm so exhausted. My body hurts, my mind is mush and my heart aches so much, I feel like it's going to explode inside of my chest. I am so surprised it hasn't yet!

There is one good thing about my struggles - "time and unforseen occurrence" (Ecc9:11) will befall me sooner or later. Most times I wish it would be sooner.

[(JD)]

Are you familiar with the "observer effect" or the "self fulfilling prophecy" idea?

((((hugs)))) Gotta get you a helmet

[AlteredState01]

Yup. Still walk through like a Zombie...

[Perna]

Stand it all on its head. Assume (whether true or not) that you get something out of it all. You know/expect the trashcan lid to come and get excited about that; ah, "Action! I'm Alive!" Who would want to stop that?

Now, assuming you do, as it sounds like you do since you're "complaining," you have to distract yourself in some way so as to either not be there when the lid is thrown or to duck or block it/take it's harm away. Third option, realizing there are probably 100 trashcan lids and you're only being hit with 10 (or 20-30 if you insist) and can reduce that number if you want but probably can't get rid of all of them?

What do you do when you're thinking about something you don't want to think about? You dodge, and shift your mind to something else or you "fix" whatever is bad about what you're thinking so it's no longer bad. So, for options 1 and 2 above you either have to have a collection of dodgeball moves you've saved up from experience, what "distracts" from the lid or you have to look at the lid coming and change it into an opportunity or something else benign. Option 3 is concentrate on all the lids that don't hit you, may come at you but "miss" and/or are benign in the first place and when you get hit with one, know it was probably time for one to hit, kind of like knowing it's going to rain. Good time to see how your rain gear holds up, whether your umbrella needs replacing or is big enough, etc.

[Fuzzybear]

[AlteredState01]

Let's see here: What am I getting out of continuing this cycle? A certain security; familarity; a rush ("Action! I'm Alive), yeah - gotta agree, there. If nothing is happening and I am not feeling anything (and when I am feeling something, it is always exaggerated (histrionics), then I will feel compelled to bring chaos about (Mostly in my mind, as I have some degree of control), resulting in my own demise, so to speak (trashcan lid in the face).
Sooooo, let me think.....

MY DISTRACTION IS EXTREME THINKING! But why such a need for such a heightened rush? My body doesn't allow for normal levels? Nor my mind? Both in tandem, from what I have found.

Continual chaos was a big part of my younger years, so the absence of such is what my body/mind thinks it needs. I can relate...

It's the INABILITY of being able to control what my distraction is other than extreme thinking. That is what keeps me distressed, thus my "complaining" about it.

You are probably right insofar as the number of lids I do actually get hit with (and yes, the 20-30 I would absolutely insist upon!) as opposed to the false number I actually think are flying around (great way of putting it, by the way. Took me a while, but I got it!).

Oh, and just to show you where my mind is at - what happens when I start concentrating on the ones that miss me? I'll just end up creating the circumstances that will eventually lead to my getting hit with those ones!!! What a s***, eh?

It never stops....


Oooh, gotta fly! Where does the time go when one is on-line?

Altered State

[AlteredState01]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What do you do when you're thinking about something you don't want to think about? You dodge, and shift your mind to something else

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't know how many times I have been told this very same thing. I even admitted doing this to you, but once again, it didn't FEEL REAL - it sounded absolutely logical and correct (my "ok" self was telling me that), but I totally blocked out the emotional part of that reality, so it did not really connect, truly connect!. There was no RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of what I was truly doing, over and over and over, because I WOULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF to connect the emotional with the logical to find peace or solution or whateverl!!!!! (Man, I hope I am making sense, because I don't know if I'll be able to even edit this to make sense...)

Check this out:

I went on and on yesterday in my previous post, responding to what you were saying. I understood that. It made perfect sense. I AGREED. But what was my response? Another "dodge" or "shift" at what should have been a very crucial moment of understanding. Even avoiding by getting angry at your choice of words - another tactical move! No connection - No acceptance.

This morning I woke up; mind started buzzing as usual. One thought in particular has been coming up alot lately which requires a very very emotional choice for me and the need to be able to accept that choice once it is made - it's a biggie for me, in other words.

Guess what happened next? MY MIND JUST START JUMPING FROM ONE THOUGHT TO ANOTHER, about stupid %#@&#! (excuse the language, but it just needs to be there...); everything came up EXCEPT WHAT I NEEDED TO BE THINKING ABOUT - MY REAL PROBLEM - The one I must make a decision about - a life altering decision (this time), but could have been any hard decision. It kept being pushed farther and farther into the recesses of my mind with other thoughts, until I ended up thinking about your post to me (and getting myself all twisted up for "complaining"), then it happened!

THE COMPLETE CONNECTION WAS MADE!
THE COMPLETE CONNECTION WAS MADE!
THE COMPLETE CONNECTION WAS MADE!

PERNA, YOU HAVE JUST HELPED ME REACH RADICAL ACCEPTANCE IN A HUGELY PROBLEMATIC AREA OF MY LIFE!!!!!!

A new day with better insight! Wow. I am shaking so badly right now. I gotta sign off. I can't write anymore right now. I need to stay in this frame of mind right now...

BUT I JUST HAD TO LET YOU KNOW!!!



Altered State

[Perna]

Yahoo! Way to go, Altered State. Now you know how to start to think your way out of the wet paper paper bags we all have trouble exiting and dodge the trashcan lid (slightly mixed metaphor?)

Actually though, I've taking this "personality disorder test" (it's just fun, not official!) http://www.4degreez.com/misc/persona...sorder_test.mv and ended up scoring highest on histrionic myself. What I say is how I do things and I just assume, being narcissistic also that other people work like me when what they say resonates in what I feel reading them.

I wasn't so much talking about your thinking more lids are flying around than are (though that one could think that could be true as you so clearly state it) as that we don't pay enough attention to the lids that literally aren't flying around, the "good" lids. One can only pay attention to one thing at once so literally looking at and studying something that doesn't hurt one is a great escape from thinking about trashcan lids that appear to be too close to the middle of one's forehead. When you're concentrating on something else, the one's too close to hitting you tend to vaporize.

I was struck in the middle of your opening description of creating the situatuation you wish to avoid by the "safety" factor. I look for safety in all things, the familiar. When I like getting hit in the head with trashcan lids it's because that's familiar to me. How does one act when one is not getting hit? What does one do? (Where does one put one's hands?) I use to be afraid of my shadow and a lot of that was worrying about things I didn't know yet, whether I'd be able to handle them as well as I did the literal slaps by my stepmother. I could tell by the placement of my stepmother's chin and the look in her eye when I was in "danger" (of trashcan lids or getting my hands spray-painted black because I bit my finger nails) but how do you tell there's danger when you haven't been "there" before?

I think it's all right to be histrionic and nowadays I get a lot of fun out of exaggering things I have difficulty with (talking, making sense, the usual) to amuse my friends and loved ones. Hey, I'm using my strengths and making those I love laugh! Can't beat that. Maybe you should take up frisbee and think/work with your thinking while learning a new, related skill (or juggling?). I always do well when I get "literal" and find symbols to express what I'm thinking about because it often gets so squishy and slips away like mercury.

[AlteredState01]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I always do well when I get "literal" and find symbols to express what I'm thinking about because it often gets so squishy and slips away like mercury.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Interesting. That would help me alot, I think, because I am a tactual(?)/tactile(?) learner. A tutor of mine took me to an art gallery one day to show me a particular piece of artwork. While I am not one that usually "gets" stuff like that, what she showed me just floored me. I "got it" as soon as I saw the piece. It was a perfect representation of a borderline mind - in art! (I think my tutor knew exactly what she was doing for me when she brought me there, although she never did admit to it...)

I am trying to purchase this piece, and as soon as I do, I will be able to post a picture of it for viewing. I am anxious to see if others see what I do.

[anniego]

I'm a new member who wrote you an email earlier
but realized I addressed to the wrong person!
I was writing to tell you how much I respect the hard work
you do to recover or battle your BPD. I signed up to better understand the disorder. My younger sister Susan who
died September 7th was 47 and had BPD. She died of a drug overdose and had been abusing drugs and alcohol
both legal and illegal for years. I suffer from depression
and alocholism. I'm currently in AA and sober but it's been a battle for years. Anyway, Susan was an extreme BPD
who became more and more cruel as time went by.
She was never willing to do the hard work required to get better...namely, taking a good hard look at her behavior and
claim her part in her unhappiness. Susan was manipulative and mean to all her family, including her
daughter and husband but was particularly abusive to our
parents. I know her cruelty only increased her self-loathing
(intellectually I understand this) but she was still trashing
my parents to their new neighbors the week she died. My parents made mistakes when we were little but nothing
dramatic or unusual. My brother and i became very protective of them in response to Susan's constant tirades
against them and manipulation of them. Now she's dead
and i'm left missing the little sister whose hand I held until she fell asleep. Susan loved all animals and used to even
kiss frogs! But sadly, I mostly left with the wreckage of the past years hurts. You just can't imagine how cruel and twisted she became and I feel sick even thinking about it.
So, when I was going through the postings, I noticed your
writings were marked with empathy, intelligence and
encouragement. You are struggling hard to live a good life
and are taking an inventory of your part in your unhappiness
which is the key to mental health in my opinion. I AA, I've learned that if i'm the problem, it's good news. But if everyone else is the problem, I'm screwed! I can see you sometimes feel like you fail but as long as you do the work,
you're a hero in my book! i'm proud of you and wish Susan
could have been like you. I miss her so. Bless you and know you are my hero!
Ann