[bluestars]

I can't believe I'm actually about to post this. I've never straight up told someone I have PPD. I haven't been diagnosed, but I literally fit every symptom to a T. A family member told me how they had schizophrenia, and I started researching it. I came across PPD, read the symptoms, then read a whole lot more. While I did go to a therapist in high school for general anxiety/stress, I don't think I'd go to one for PPD now. I'm not brave enough. I feel like there would be some record of it, or it would come up in a background check for a job...I don't know. I guess I wanted to post this so that other people know someone out there is going through the same thing. On the outside, I have a normal, successful life. Few people know about my family member's schizophrenia, and even then they don't know the full extent. I find it really hard to be around this person, as some of their symptoms remind me of my own. I really only realized I have PPD earlier this year. Looking back on my friendship history, so many things made sense. That's why I can't forgive certain friends for things they've said about me. That's why I am so suspicious of others. That's why I am VERY guarded about my true feelings. That's why. College was the worst in terms of my PPD. I would think people were sick of me, or didn't want to be around me, or had said mean things about me, so I would get uncomfortable. To ease my anxiety, I drank. While that's maybe "normal" for a college student, it was a BAD idea for me. Combining alcohol with PPD was so toxic for me, causing me to run away from friends, leave bars and not tell people where I was going, get in ridiculous fights, etc. Since learning about my PPD, I dramatically reduced my alcohol intake to maybe once a week, definitely NOT getting drunk. Whenever I start to think people are talking about me/conspiring against me, I remind myself of PPD and try to review the facts. I'm usually a pretty logical person. I find this helps. Also, journaling has really been a great release. Also, telling the few friends I did about my schizophrenic family member was like lifting such a weight. Seeing how reaffirming and supportive they are was great. I still am very private, but it's an ongoing thing. I just moved to a new city, and it's hard. Getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people. I'm doing good so far, but I'm really glad I found this forum. I hope this helps someone, just to know it's okay. I try to learn more about this illness, but given that it's all about paranoia, there's just not much out there. I'm hopeful I can control this. Thanks for reading.

[dtcoyle]

It sounds like you are on the right track. You understand the problem and you admit to it. The only advice I could suggest is... first of all stop drinking... completely. Second, since you realize your problem you are responsible for fixing it. Realize that paranoia is self destructive. So what if your paranoid perceptions are warranted or delusional? What good does it do to give those thoughts credibility? It does no good to make decisions based on thoughts that might not even be real, and even if they are real. I thik it's best if you can find some quiet time to seriously think about your thoughts that occure through the day. Then analyse them. Soon you will start to see patterns of thought and reactions to those thoughts. Once you become really familiar with your behavior you start to catch yourself in the act of repeating the undesired behavior. And knowing that its destructive you can quickly dash it out before it becomes overwhelming. Sort of like having a thought, thinking about it briefly, deciding if its appropriate, then acting accordingly. It dosn't hurt to see a counselor. Thearapy is great. Just talking to someone about your problems makes you even more aware of them. And once you are aware of them (if we are anything alike) you become slightly angry and have a real desire to fix the problem so that you can move foward in life. Living productivly and being as happy/healthy as possible.

Hi bluestars,

Knowing how I am similar in some ways to you...... I commend you in your post. I've been told, sharing with others that may understand, can help one to feel less isolated and help develop the trust that can be lacking.(reaching out and sharing is difficult for me-- sometimes it backfires horribly)

Been in therapy for over 2 years...... I think you've past me up on your ability of talking yourself through the irrational thoughts. That's awesome you are able to do that!! Good work!! My thoughts carry me away and so far I've had to have someone else (the psychologist I see) show me that they might not be rational. (really don't like the idea of leaning on someone else! )

It was very kind that you posted with the thought in mind to help others. And yes, I've tried looking for help in other ways too-- there sure ISN'T much out there.

I wish you the best in your journey -- it sounds to me you are making great progress.

mandy

[breemarie]

Hi,

First of all paranoid personality disorder is different from schizophrenia. Don't worry yourself over that unless you are hearing voices or losing touch with reality. Don't be so hard on yourself and I'll try not to be hard on myself because I am the same way. I try to deny it but I just took that personality test and it came up saying very high for being paranoid. Not that the test is a diagnosis but I already know this about myself. I don't trust people, I am suspicious and I get hurt very easily. I always think someone has a hidden agenda. It doesn't help me with my social relationships. Right now I have alienated everyone. I don't know what the answer is either, but just wanted you to know your not alone. Sorry I couldn't be of help.

You are also describing Borderline Personality Disorder and you might want to research that too.

Whatever labe gets applied, the important thing is the quality of your life. I hope you will reconsider a therapist, particularly one who specializes in personality disorders. Your first visit can be used to espress your concerns about privacy and diagnosis. It might be quite a relief for you to have someone to talk to about this, to share the burdens, to give you support, empathy, to teach you skills, to increase your awareness, to help you feel much better.

((HUGS)) and I'm so glad you posted.