[RogueWolf]

My whole family is evil. My sister is/was a greedy, selfish gold digging cold, uncaring unempathetic sneaky person who is motivated by money to the point she took me from my home environment where I was actually being abused and neglected just to call social services on my mother.... cos for a week after she took me my mother was still recieving money for me tht my sister wanted... yes that's right, I was being abused and neglected and she took me to abuse and neglect me so herself so she could get money. My sister gave me first puff of a cig at about age 7 even though I didn't really want it and also let me sip her bourbon around the same age- the same brand is the one I now drink, I also smoke. I have also been abused in really sick ways by 2 men linked to my sister which lead me to wonder how much she knew and if she was somehow involved, yes I know it sounds insane and paranoid but after 2 people force you to do things you don't want (once when under age) and then she still takes drugs with the first and has the second over for coffee (much to my disgust- I had a go at her for it) after the fact it is a bit hard not to think she isn't so ****ing innocent in all of it. My mother is a selfish, immature, spiteful, alcoholic, nasty, lying ***** whose current controlling/manipulative behavours are mainly hanging up on me and calling ME a liar (she knows I pride myself on honesty with my inner circle and truth matters to me and also that I HATE being called a liar.) My father is basically angry/sad and absent. The main interactions I have had with him since childhood have involved him lecturing me and looking down on me. My brother whom I once idolised (until I remembered so fked up memeories which I once tried to tell my mother about though she ignored/denied whatever) ignores the whole family now and my last interaction with him was one xmas when my mother called him while I lived with her to do the normal xmas well wishing crap and he had a go at me and said I'm lazy and all I do is play video games (he hadn't seen me or known anything about me since about 5-8 years before.) and was a real prick to me- haven't spoken since. Yet they all seem to agree on one thing- I am the problem, I am evil, I am bad. My mother once flat out accused me of intent to murder her, she said I can't visit her cos I might kill her. Not one of them has ever really made an effort with/for me even though I am the baby of the family. Even though I am the youngest and was the kid through a lot of things I always get the blame for everything. I am sick of this ****. They are immature, pathetic crazy fkheads. I am dx with things ad in therapy yet they all get to do all that crap above plus a lot worse and still get to look at me like I am **** and they are sooo much better just cos I have dx mental health issue- I am the only one seeking help- that doesn't fking mean I am the only one who needs it!!!!! They are insidious, selfish, toxic, cold. t(-_-t)

[Notoriousglo]

Well, I'm assuming your parents are personality disordered...but anyways, it's not uncommon for these types to pick one child in the family to blame everything on..."the scapegoat." Sounds like this happened to you.

[RogueWolf]

Originally Posted by euphy

Well, I'm assuming your parents are personality disordered...but anyways, it's not uncommon for these types to pick one child in the family to blame everything on..."the scapegoat." Sounds like this happened to you.

Yeh I think all my immediate family probably have mental illnesses/pd's. I am definately the scapegoat which is really sucky especially since I am the youngest one.

[Verity81]

As much as they wish to look down on you for having a mental health condition the likely hood is that their treatment of you and the abuse you suffered majorly contributed or even caused your mental health problems. Do you still have contact with them? It maybe wise to figure out if low or no contact would be a healthier way to live for you.

[RogueWolf]

Originally Posted by Verity81

As much as they wish to look down on you for having a mental health condition the likely hood is that their treatment of you and the abuse you suffered majorly contributed or even caused your mental health problems. Do you still have contact with them? It maybe wise to figure out if low or no contact would be a healthier way to live for you.

Yeh I am aware they are likely the biggest thing that messed me up, and the fact they let me be abused by others/unprotected as a child. I do have contact, the messed up thing is I am the one who contacts them most which in turn allows them to pretend to be the victims since they can say "well she is coming to us why would someone go to people who abuse her?" It's hard to be alone in life. I have recently come to terms with the fact I may have to not contact them which is pretty easy since they never visit me or call me unless they are drunk or wwant something anyway really. I think that's why I poured all this out in this post. It's messed up just how much they have done to me and I still wanted family. I think I got good at living in denial and believing thier stupid justifications etc. Also if they are also disordered which makes sense then you have the manipulations and lies from them convincing me too. It's a pretty toxic thing. So many messed up lies and threads. It is very hard right now cos I basically see noone, no visitors, very few calls, just me alone always, very boring. I think in the past it has also been my need for things to do that has made me re contact them.

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by RogueWolf

Yeh I am aware they are likely the biggest thing that messed me up, and the fact they let me be abused by others/unprotected as a child. I do have contact, the messed up thing is I am the one who contacts them most which in turn allows them to pretend to be the victims since they can say "well she is coming to us why would someone go to people who abuse her?" It's hard to be alone in life. I have recently come to terms with the fact I may have to not contact them which is pretty easy since they never visit me or call me unless they are drunk or wwant something anyway really. I think that's why I poured all this out in this post. It's messed up just how much they have done to me and I still wanted family. I think I got good at living in denial and believing thier stupid justifications etc. Also if they are also disordered which makes sense then you have the manipulations and lies from them convincing me too. It's a pretty toxic thing. So many messed up lies and threads. It is very hard right now cos I basically see noone, no visitors, very few calls, just me alone always, very boring. I think in the past it has also been my need for things to do that has made me re contact them.

Going no contact isn't easy and mostly I felt overwhelming guilt despite the fact I knew to be around my mother and brother was damaging to me. Yes feeling lonely does keep is in the grip of abusers and also makes us minimise there toxicity.
The only real way forward is to begin to fill your life with people who respect you. I found that difficult as knowing who was good for me to be around was difficult and still is! But I guess that takes time. It's like if all you have known is dysfunctional then how do you know what's functional? It's easy to either let your guard down with other toxic people or see toxicity in other that stems from your anger and fear.
I hope you can begin to fill your life with loving people who although will not be perfect are not out to abuse you. Also I found that no contact meant just that, complete cut of. That way I couldn't be manipulated with guilt.

[RogueWolf]

Originally Posted by Verity81

Going no contact isn't easy and mostly I felt overwhelming guilt despite the fact I knew to be around my mother and brother was damaging to me. Yes feeling lonely does keep is in the grip of abusers and also makes us minimise there toxicity.
The only real way forward is to begin to fill your life with people who respect you. I found that difficult as knowing who was good for me to be around was difficult and still is! But I guess that takes time. It's like if all you have known is dysfunctional then how do you know what's functional? It's easy to either let your guard down with other toxic people or see toxicity in other that stems from your anger and fear.
I hope you can begin to fill your life with loving people who although will not be perfect are not out to abuse you. Also I found that no contact meant just that, complete cut of. That way I couldn't be manipulated with guilt.

I don't feel guilty I just have noone to talk to. After all they have done, they should feel guilty but they don't. My mother in particular apologised but it is worthless since she does the same things still. My sister once apologised when she was drunk but that might mean nothing and doesn't mean anything to me since she can't talk about these things when she is sober. It is a very political situation and I am the boat rocker. They all want to hide the dirty laundry and hate that I keep exposing stuff. It really is lonely though since I basically have one person call me other than family at the moment. I go nowhere except shopping and therapy really. No visitors except when someone wants something and even then it's rare. I get really bad when I am alone, like more destructive to property and uncaring about house work etc. I am a social person but one of those social people who gets drained by 'keeping up the mask' or whatever so I then need time alone. Like the mask of being normal/being like others. I can only be myself after knowing people for a long time and that doesn't usually work out well so here I am alone and bored. lol.

[Eddieghosthunter]

Originally Posted by RogueWolf

I don't feel guilty I just have noone to talk to. After all they have done, they should feel guilty but they don't. My mother in particular apologised but it is worthless since she does the same things still. My sister once apologised when she was drunk but that might mean nothing and doesn't mean anything to me since she can't talk about these things when she is sober. It is a very political situation and I am the boat rocker. They all want to hide the dirty laundry and hate that I keep exposing stuff. It really is lonely though since I basically have one person call me other than family at the moment. I go nowhere except shopping and therapy really. No visitors except when someone wants something and even then it's rare. I get really bad when I am alone, like more destructive to property and uncaring about house work etc. I am a social person but one of those social people who gets drained by 'keeping up the mask' or whatever so I then need time alone. Like the mask of being normal/being like others. I can only be myself after knowing people for a long time and that doesn't usually work out well so here I am alone and bored. lol.

I can understand some of that. My family does not always treat me badly but I have family problems too. I have a sister with epilepsy and a brother who is a narcissist. Even though I'd feel unhappy being at home sometimes, I'd still go back there. I feel guilty cause my mom seems to be under stress sometimes and other things. In another sense, I too feel like I have noone to talk to. Most of my friends I have fallen out of contact with. They are either too busy or formed their own friendship groups. And because my personal situation is weird or different to others, I have come to feel that most people I cannot connect to or do not want to connect to them, which in a way I don't mind. It makes life slightly simpler, but it can still get lonesome.