Complicated?

Okay...well I don't know where to start really. I don't know if I have a disorder or not. Or what kind of disorder if I do have one.

When I'm in a shopping mall, I always wear sunglasses because I feel like it hides me, I'm so nervous around a whole lot of people. I get all freaked out and I don't exactly know why.

I never take critism well, but I always want to please everyone. I was dating someone for 8 months who I didn't want to be with but I stayed with them to make them happy. Then I was diagnosed with Depression because I wasn't attracted to them and my sex drive went boom (Not that it's any better now, I'm on Zoloft and that doesn't help at all).

I used to cut myself, I think it was for attention because I always feel ignored or invisible. Yet I don't want to be in the spotlight but I feel like my parents ignore me and just pay attention to anything else.

I always talk to myself too, and in my mind I talk back to myself. It's hard to explain it, I have conversations, arguments etc with my head. Then I get called insane for it lol.

I always try and live like I'm in a movie or show, everything's always gotta be dramatic yet I feel really numb to all emotions. I have low self esteem and I want to believe that vampires, and magic is all real (I watch alot of Buffy).

That's all I can think of right now, I'll probably remember something later but I have the worst memory so I will.

I prefer the word, "complex" :-) Welcome to PC, Wrecker.

I had a hard time growing up too (and still talk to myself :-) but now I'm a friend of myself rather than just a putter-downer. I invented three Roman dudes in togas and when I was putting myself down too much, I'd yell, "Support!" in my mind's ear and they'd come rushing into the dome of my head with a Corinthian column and set it up and rush out, left to right, somewhere in the vicinity of my ear/temple?

I guess where I'm going with this is suggesting you use your drama and vampires and problems/symptoms to help yourself. Start thinking of what you want and ways to get it? It's scary to not feel and to be confused and have to admit you're scared and feel alone but now that I'm 56, I find it was probably the only way I could have gotten through it all. Are you in school/college? I went to the college counseling center for 2-3 years and they weren't great but they got me started figuring myself out and were a bit of support/"entertainment" :-)

If I could go back and be 15-16 again (We moved that year from California to Maryland, was not fun changing schools in the middle of high school for my junior year. My next older brother went off to college so I was "alone" at home with my parents; I have 4 older siblings so that was a huge change. We moved back where I'd gone to kindergarten through third grade and now I was a junior; I made a new friend (still a friend) and we went to her friend's house after school one day and her friend's brother had a friend over. The first thing the friend's friend's brother's friend said to me on meeting me was, "Weren't you the one who threw up in second grade?" Yup, it was me; great start-over, huh? :-) but if I could truly have age 15-16 with what I know now, I'd spend more time with my stepmother, helping with chores, sitting in the same room doing my homework while she did whatever she did(??? :-) and just "chatting" with her about her life and background and what she remembered as a child, etc. I'd do my darnedest to be more agreeable and not "oppose" her so much, to not take offense and try to take some of her advice. I'd take more risks and get "out there" talking to others instead of spending so much time in my room. I spent approximately 15 years in my room and it certainly didn't help anything so that's what I'd do differently; that and my homework :-) My first semester of college I literally got straight C's (probably harder to go through college with straight C's than straight A's? Think about it; you'd have to be uniformly mediocre :-)

Maybe go back to the doc who diagnosed the depression and see if has some better ideas, i.e., counseling instead of just the Zoloft?