[LaDauphine]

I can't seem to keep any new friends or groups of friends. It's been like this for about a year now. I've met tons of new faces, gotten to know them and either they decide they don't like me or I don't like them. I feel as though the "not interested" is mutual, but I can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me. What is it about me that's so unlikable?

I just feel like all relationships and conversations one must have with someone are all fluff and stupidity. What happened on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the weather, etc., but when you try to have a half intelligent conversation no one is interested. I hope i"m not one of those people that's just too intense to talk to, but I work with a guy like that so I recognize it and don't think I am. I just don't seem to have nada in common with anyone new i meet and can't be bothered to put in the energy it takes to build a friendship.

It could be because I'm going through a transition (I'm getting married in 10 months!) and I just can't seem to find anyone on my page.

It's hard for me to be friends with single girls. I'm over the lifestyle, you know? It's also hard to be friends with girls with children (the normal in my city) as I have traditional Christian views on children before marriage and I just can't relate to someone who has to spend their Saturday watching their kid at dance class or whatever.

Ijust feel so lonely, , but I feel guilty for feeling lonely because i'm getting married and my fiance is awesome! Then I feel guilty for not feeling guilty that I just don't want to bother with people right now.

What is WRONG with me?

[DechanDawa]

Judging others too harshly? I only say this because when I go through a spell without making new friends (like now) I have to look at my last friendships and also my own views and values, and my level of tolerance, which always needs work. When I am stressed out is when I tend to do more judging, and it is like no one can meet my standards. Finally I get sick of everyone, then I get sick of myself! I called an old friend who I had been judging lately, and got a little less demanding, and more curious about her life, and we had a great conversation. I don't know if it helps but the year before I got married I was preoccupied and kind of distant. The great thing about marriage is you have two people bringing in friends and new people. As far as having traditional views about children before marriage and all, guess you could find a nice Christian church where that wouldn't be a problem, maybe volunteer some hours there, meet some like-minded people.. If you don't feel like bothering with people right now...maybe it is a good time to sit down and think about what you reallly want in friendships. Being clear about that might help. That's what I am using this solitary time for. I wish I was getting married (again) in 10 months. Best of luck.

[Seraphine]

Why do you feel something is wrong with you for not wanting to participate in vapid blathering about things that really don't interest you? I feel the same, and know many others who do too.
As far as other married couples, vs single people, can't help you there, because I'm a mum and sitting around a ballet recital sounds about as riveting as chewing sand, no matter how proud I am off my kids. Lol. That doesn't mean that's all parents do though. Parents also have date nights, and like to socialize. So don't sell them short based on them having kids
And not all singles are vapid either. Try going to things that you enjoy, and not boxing people based on your assumptions, and see what happens

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I rather thought this is normal. One only clicks with a select few, often only one or two, and with every one else it is merely the commonplace pleasantries that lubricate social interaction. No doubt you will meet someone suitable bye and bye.

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

I rather thought this is normal. One only clicks with a select few, often only one or two, and with every one else it is merely the commonplace pleasantries that lubricate social interaction. No doubt you will meet someone suitable bye and bye.

I've always believed this too. Most people have merely been bodies to me and I welcomed them when they were available and wasn't overly upset when they weren't. People were good enough just being them, but something has changed this year. It's like that dynamic is no longer good enough for me. Maybe I am being judgmental, but I feel like I've put in my time with mediocre friendships and if it isn't going to be grande I don't want to bother.

My fiance and I are in a strange spot in life in that yes, we are Christians, but newly active Christians (me more so than him) so we don't have a church or church group. I'm not sure I want to enter the lifestyle completely as we won't be a good fit there. But we're not a good fit outside of it, either. We're somewhere in the middle.

I guess I'll just have to make a decision about how nI want to spend my time and embrace the solidarity until then?

[DechanDawa]

About church groups or spiritual groups: I have "belonged" to them and the funny thing is, once you get to know the people in these groups you find that a lot of other people feel like they don't fit in, either. In fact, spiritual centers attract a lot of people who are suffering with feeling isolated. A minister once told me church groups and spiritual centers are like hospitals. People go there to heal, not necessarily to party. In some ways it is true, although my meditation center had amazing feasts and celebrations.

I realize I do best in structured friendships around a single focus. In the past I was friends with "horse people". "meditators", "Ikebana practitioners" -- that's Japanese flower arranging, etc. Through church groups, work, volunteering...there would be friends around a specific focus...some single, some married, with kids etc.

I don't do well in free flowing friendships, meeting for coffee, chit chat, and the like. I find small talk a waste of time, and irritating. I prefer community events over private parties.

I hate to talk on the phone, and only text when necessary. I do social media very selectively.

In the end there is never a "perfect fit" and grand friendships are rare, although they do happen.

I think everyone kind of feels in the middle. You are just brave enough to admit it. I like your honesty. It's really refreshing.

[LaDauphine]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

About church groups or spiritual groups: I have "belonged" to them and the funny thing is, once you get to know the people in these groups you find that a lot of other people feel like they don't fit in, either. In fact, spiritual centers attract a lot of people who are suffering with feeling isolated. A minister once told me church groups and spiritual centers are like hospitals. People go there to heal, not necessarily to party. In some ways it is true, although my meditation center had amazing feasts and celebrations.

I realize I do best in structured friendships around a single focus. In the past I was friends with "horse people". "meditators", "Ikebana practitioners" -- that's Japanese flower arranging, etc. Through church groups, work, volunteering...there would be friends around a specific focus...some single, some married, with kids etc.

I don't do well in free flowing friendships, meeting for coffee, chit chat, and the like. I find small talk a waste of time, and irritating. I prefer community events over private parties.

I hate to talk on the phone, and only text when necessary. I do social media very selectively.

In the end there is never a "perfect fit" and grand friendships are rare, although they do happen.

I think everyone kind of feels in the middle. You are just brave enough to admit it. I like your honesty. It's really refreshing.

I've never approached it like this! Thank you for the insight, . I must be like you in that I can't function in free flowing relationships. I like things to be of sustenance. I'd like to find a friend or group of friends I have more than ONE thing in common with, but I haven't had that since university where we were all on the same page, living the same lifestyle, etc.

I don't even have a phone... Haven't for a few years... That's not disconnected I am. I hate the text message conversation and I only participated in them when I was single and very bored at work. Now I'm neither single or bored at work so I don't want to bother with a phone.

I'm hopinh once we have kids we'll connect with people who have a similar lifestyle in more than one area.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

I've never approached it like this! Thank you for the insight, . I must be like you in that I can't function in free flowing relationships. I like things to be of sustenance. I'd like to find a friend or group of friends I have more than ONE thing in common with, but I haven't had that since university where we were all on the same page, living the same lifestyle, etc.

I don't even have a phone... Haven't for a few years... That's not disconnected I am. I hate the text message conversation and I only participated in them when I was single and very bored at work. Now I'm neither single or bored at work so I don't want to bother with a phone.

I'm hopinh once we have kids we'll connect with people who have a similar lifestyle in more than one area.

Having kids is like a double edged sword. It's true that all of a sudden there are many people to connect with, but everyone has their own style of parenting. I was surprised at how much parents gossiped about how other parents raised their kids. Everyone thinks they know the "best way" to parent. It gets so crazy you have to just laugh and shake your head. (Luckily my then husband and I had a very good sense of humor about other parents and kids. We laughed a lot, all the time, because all the kids were naturally wonderful and growing up quite normally despite all the micromanagement from the parents. )

I think as people get older its harder to have multi-faceted interests. People start getting separated because of incomes. Some people become very materialistic.

However, I think, always be on the look-out for those surprising grand friendships that happen unexpectedly. I have kept a few friends I made when our children were toddlers. One person is an artist and we always found a lot to talk about and do together besides just the children and husbands. Because of distance we are just Facebook friends but when I see pictures of her it just warms my heart. I know she feels the same about me. She is growing up and older as a beautiful, graceful artist and person. I guess you could say we have a heart connection that goes beyond place and time, but it comforts me and to this day brings me joy. That's my idea of a grand friendship!

Thank you for this thread. It has made me think about a lot of things, and it has been really really helpful for me. Stay open!

And then the kids get older. And they go to different schools. When the kids are teens, parents don't introduce themselves anymore. No more play groups, etc.

This has happened to me in the last couple years, and it was a big change.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

And then the kids get older. And they go to different schools. When the kids are teens, parents don't introduce themselves anymore. No more play groups, etc.

This has happened to me in the last couple years, and it was a big change.

My son stayed friends with people he met in middle-school and high school on into young adulthood. When I meet the parents around town we catch up on how our kids are doing, but we don't socialize. My favorite Mom in this group died of ovarian cancer two years ago. When she was in remission we would meet and take walks together. She was the bravest woman I ever met and I still think of her often. She was just so positive even when very ill and I just loved her. Her son is doing very well and recently got married and my son was at the wedding. They are still close friends. So the story of friendship continues to roll out in their futures.

[LaDauphine]

@DechanDewa

I do expect that although I'll be interacting more with other parents due to class, daycare, soccer lessons, whatever, I doubt our friendship will extend much beyond the convenience of it all, but I'm OK with this. I just want people to connect with over SOMETHING.

You've scared me about all of the gossiping, though! I have very strict plans for my children and I know I"m going to butt heads with people about it. I don't believe in children before marriage, the education system, etc. We plant o send our kids to a private school or to homeschool, but it's my hope I"ll find a Christian group of women also homeschooling.

[argv_argc]

Originally Posted by LaDauphine

I can't seem to keep any new friends or groups of friends. It's been like this for about a year now. I've met tons of new faces, gotten to know them and either they decide they don't like me or I don't like them. I feel as though the "not interested" is mutual, but I can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me. What is it about me that's so unlikable?

I just feel like all relationships and conversations one must have with someone are all fluff and stupidity. What happened on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the weather, etc., but when you try to have a half intelligent conversation no one is interested. I hope i"m not one of those people that's just too intense to talk to, but I work with a guy like that so I recognize it and don't think I am. I just don't seem to have nada in common with anyone new i meet and can't be bothered to put in the energy it takes to build a friendship.

It could be because I'm going through a transition (I'm getting married in 10 months!) and I just can't seem to find anyone on my page.

It's hard for me to be friends with single girls. I'm over the lifestyle, you know? It's also hard to be friends with girls with children (the normal in my city) as I have traditional Christian views on children before marriage and I just can't relate to someone who has to spend their Saturday watching their kid at dance class or whatever.

Ijust feel so lonely, , but I feel guilty for feeling lonely because i'm getting married and my fiance is awesome! Then I feel guilty for not feeling guilty that I just don't want to bother with people right now.

What is WRONG with me?

I dunno. I only interact with people when I have to for the most part. It's entirely possible that the world is just filled with really, really, really stupid people and it's tough to talk to them when you have to lower your intellectual capabilities to an almost insulting level in order to maintain any semblance of communication. Every once in a while I find someone that isn't a complete tool, but for the most part.. I might as well just talk to myself. So I do. lol

[gayleggg]

I think you are being to hard on yourself. You are going through a transition from single life to married life. It changes us. I think if you give yourself time it will work itself out. When you are in the midst of planning a wedding it is hard to find someone that's on the same page.

Be patient your interest in people will return. After the wedding you'll start to find people with more in common with you.

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