[Falcon420]

Greetings All:

I am new to the site and was wondering if there was anyone or somewhere I could commiserate with others who might be suffering with a spouse who has paranoid personality disorder. It is SO terribly frustrating and I don't have any support. Is there anyone else out there who might also be in my shoes? HELP!!!

Falcon420

[Rapunzel]

Falcon, I just want to welcome you. I'm not sure if we have anyone here with Paranoid personality disorder, but I can commisserate about personality disorders being frustrating. What's the most frustrating thing for you?

Rap

[Falcon420]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Rap. I have lived with it now for nearly five years. Without going into all the details it is very clear to me and a few others what my wife is suffering from and I seem powerless to do anything.

The single most frustrating part is the roller-coaster ride which you must endure every single day. Just when you think there is a glimmer of hope, your world comes crashing down all around you. We are seeing a marraige counselor together who sees the same issues I do, but based on this type of disorder, as a therapist, he just can't come out and say, "you have PPD". It would completely alienate her from him.

I have started seeing a seperate counselor on my own to help me cope with my anger. A few times in the past year she pushed me to the point of being physically violent (shoving matches) and ultimately I took a swing at her (Thank God I missed). My behavior was totally unacceptable and I am very ashamed that I could not have handled myself better. SInce I have been seeing someone, I have been able to maintain my cool better when she has her episodes and don't have the anger welling up inside me as much.

I would love to hear from anyone who is going through PPD. I know the prognosis is bleak, but I am a 'glass half full' kind of guy. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Hey there. I don't have PPD myself or know anybody with PPD but I have read a bit about it... It sounds like a really hard thing for spouses to deal with. It is mostly to do with jealousy around your affections / your sexual faithfulness?

Does she hear voices? If so, has she had her hearing checked? There has been some correlation found between hearing voices and having hearing problems and sometimes fixing the hearing problem (if possible) can lead to a reduction in voices that sometimes function to feed the paranoia.

Does she have episodes that are worse than others? Does she become delusional with the paranoia at times? E.g., Does she sometimes become *convinced* that you are being unfaithful on the basis of very slim evidence?

Sorry about all the questions, but I guess I'm just trying to figure whether there might be things that could be done to help alleviate the condition or whether it will indeed be a long haul type of thing. (Sometimes it is a long haul type of thing, but sometimes people find the condition alleviates considerably with fixing the hearing problem or with taking a small dose of anti-psychotics).

Hang in there. It must be very frustrating indeed.

[Falcon420]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Alexandra. This is a very insideous disease. My wife is incredibly smart and she knows what to say to others in order to be 'enabled'. There are seven symptoms of PPD, of which you only need to show signs of four to qualify. My wife exhibits all seven.

We are both seeing a marraige counselor together and I am seeing another counselor on my own. I am personally frustrated because whenever I see a light at the end of the tunnel and think it is daylight, I quickly realize it is that 'train' still boring down on me and my two little girls. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

What I am craving right now is to know there is someone else going through what I am and to just share a few thoughts with one another in the hopes of gleaning something, anything. I love my wife dearly, but I fear I am getting to the breaking point after almost 5 years of this mess. Is there anyone out there?

Hi Falcon,

I've been diagnosed with having Paranoid Personality -traits.(however-- I do question this....) The thing I think is that most people don't just have ONE disorder but a cross section of a few.... so it's my opinion and observation that a person with PPD coupled with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be a whole different ballgame than one with PPD and Avoidant Personality Disorder.

If you can, I would suggest looking into what other traits she may have.... that might help you to better understand how-- and what her struggles are.

Believe me-- you and your daughters aren't the only ones suffering-- your wife, I bet, is suffering so much more than most will ever imagine. Not meaning that she's blameless but anyone with a disorder truly needs compassion and understanding more than the average person.

I know of a sight that has many members that are significant others to a parnter that is PPD or might be PPD. I left that sight as I felt it to be too demeaning towards me and my struggles-- but you might find it helpful...... just PM me if you are interested and I'll give you the link.....

Good luck to you.

mandy

[BlueWaters]

Hi Falcon420,

When I read your post - what a relief! I have been searching for a forum to gain insight and share ideas on Paranoid Personality Disorder from the insight of a spouse (husband) dealing with a wife suffering with PPD. I went through all the sign-in and login info just to get a post up to hopefully get a reply from you. I know how frustrated you are. And, I know how difficult it is to not 'find' anyone to talk with about how it reaches into your life. How searching the 'net exhaustedly doesn't seem to locate what you are looking for. I ride 'our' roller-coaster' everyday. I understand the light turning into a train's headlight and being so disappointed. And, if I may, I still hold my shaking glass of water and consider it fillable.

[KELLEY1234]

Hi,
I know exactly what you are going through. If you'd like to talk let me know and i will email you.

[mazie07]

I would love to be able to talk with someone about living with someone with this. I DID just leave my partner last month however the effects control me everyday.

It was not until about mid Feb that I was able to take a step back from our lives and see what was really going on. I began to research and came across this site. Through out our relationship lightbulbs were constantly being turned on however it wasn't until Feb when they all went on together and I saw the whole picture. I feelings were almost crippling as even though I was granted relief and was able to not feel guilty anymore for wanting to either do things or for talking to people, at the same time, by 4pm some days I was bouncing off every wall with ultimate panic as I didn't know how to get out. I couldn't find any help as if I was away from the house for any length of time it raised suspisions. I could not call anybody...

Thank goodness for the internet, I located a house to rent and literally did some last minute packing in order to get many of my belongings out. I did tell him I was leaving as to not raise anymore suspsion however the alarm bells were already going off in his mind. It didn't "make sence" to him why I was moving things before I actually moved but it was my security that I was GOING to get out and if I had to leave in a hurry, I would already have some belongings.
I did end up leaving sooner than planned which I am scared will back fire on me as "I was being secretive"

I felt as though I was in a vicious circle because I felt I had to do things behind his back as I would be questioned if I told him and in doing so it just made him think more that I was being devious. In his eyes, I have ultimately sinned. I was able to "pull a fast one on him" by leaving him and he was not one step ahead of the game on this one.

I too have children and I am terrified of what this will do to them as I have seen and experience how much of a basket case I have become. I do not want this to be passed on to them. I do not want him to teach them that there is a hidden adgenda in everything that happens, ultimately that everyone and everything is out to get them.

I have managed to talk to a pshycologist once since I left and he has agreed that there is definately something wrong however I have not spent enough time talking to him to get through all that I have been through to build up something concrete. I go back on Thrusday for a double session in hopes of making up for lost time in which I have not had a chance to talk to anyone.

"My wife is incredibly smart and she knows what to say to others in order to be 'enabled' "
I know exactly what you mean by this. I feel so alone and scared as to everyone else "he is so nice" and able to justify almost anything. As I did leave and now we are going through court, I am scared he is going to deny anything that might raise suspision either that or because he is quite able to justify his suspisions quite well, that nobody will see it.

anyone who can relate or advise, PLEASE feel free to message me.

[BlueWaters]

Hello Falcon420,

Read your previous post in this forum and check your replies. Let me know if you'd like to talk.

[icedog]

It's been awhile since the last post on this thread, but I just found it - and it's the first place I've seen where this topic (being w/ someone w/ PPD) is discussed.

I'm heartsick - my engagement recently ended and I'm in love with the woman I was to marry. She ended it based on my lack of integrity and stability (in her POV).

I tried SO hard to make it work - but she just didn't trust me. True, I made some mistakes (re money), but in her heart she knows I was true blue and faithful to her, and her reasons for breaking up just wouldn't withstand scrutiny. However, this lady is dead set she's right about not being able to trust me.

I could list lots of events along the way that lead me to this conclusion: GLS suffers from PPD. I realize this now (since we broke up) and although this is moot, I pose the question - how can one cope with being in a committed relationship with a PPD? What could I have done differently? Specifically, I'm asking: what techniques must one use in responding to false accusations from a PPD who's dead set they're right about essentially everything?

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thanks!!!

[BlueWaters]

Hi IceDog,

I logged on and saw your reply to this thread.

I know where you are in thought looking to talk about how to cope. I battled through close to your same issues. It got better for me after understanding how PPD seems to work. I don't have any rock solid advice that works everytime, and that's because the PPD adapts and tries to connect new situations with old thoughts.

Best advice is keep your words and actions 'clean' from any possible notion you are lying and 'one of them.' It is tough and needs much more determination than probably any relationship you've been in or how it compares to any of your friends or family. And, sadly, it is just as tough trying to get those you speak with to understand the depth of the 'odd' issues you are constantly dealing with. I would suggest you choose very carefully how far you extend your talk circle if speaking about yout g/f. If you want her to seek professional help, gingerly reach out to her close friends or family and ask if they have noticed any 'unusual' thoughts coming from her. It might be an amazing icebreaker which opens concerning conversations.

More advice would be if you are still talking to her and interested to continue with your relationship with her, listen to her. Bite your tongue and listen. PPD's yern to be heard. Ask her 'why' she thinks someone would.... Ask her how do you think we could 'help' this situation... If you are accused of things you did not do - the very toughest - calmly but truthfully tell her those thoughts of hers are not true (that you did not do that). BUT, know those same thoughts she sees as truth ARE truth to her. Do not (try) to let her push your buttons into an arguement. Control as in an attempt to have you screaming and defending yourself feeds the PPD many times.

LISTEN to her (get her to unload her deep thoughts associated with the topic, validate her feelings attached to whatever she says) (the fear...anger...the fustration..whatever), tell her how (insert feeling) that must make her feel, gain her support you are there for here, BUT tell her the truth if a situation is not how she sees it. That is the toughest. I juggle that back from letting my truth/view be silent if thats the shortest path to get her guided back to closer to reality. Time and reality usually shows lesser of a threat to her than squaring off and battling her blurred reality. Walking away to take a breather instead of battling the PPD is an ok option too. You can say you don't feel like talking about this at this time but will later. Another important aspect is if you take a breather, go out to take a drive to cool down, even walk around the block, dont leave without stating you will be back. If abandoment issues are part of the mix, this is a huge point.

I rambled, but i feel for you if you are searching the internet trying to read all you can on possible PPD. And, if you are looking for insight on how to deal with a spouse/SO especially from a guy's perspective I know there isn't much to be found.

If you have questions or would like to talk send me a reply or email.

Take Care IceDog

[benjaman]

Dear icedog,

You will have to be ice cool. She is not dead set but a little difficult to be convinced. Gentle words and patience will do but you will have to be strong and show that you can be trusted by not making too many mistakes again. Just remember, when a PPD shouts, the anger is directed at the situation but not you. This is why you do not typically see violence in them.

The question is how do PPD cope with marriage as the relationship becomes based on trust. Asking a paranoid person to trust is by definition absurd. But I have seen it done. Love is cool.

[benjaman]

Dear Flacon420,

You must have been a fantastic catch, so to speak, as asking "a PPD" to marry someone is kind of difficult, as they will then be obliged to trust. It is very difficult for a PPD to trust, or to trust someone enough to marry. She must have loved you so much to marry you. From what I can understand, the shouting and abuse from a PPD is not directed at a person, but rather, it is directed at the situation. You might feel as if it is directed at you as she shouts at you. But she is angry with the situation, not you. You see, they are a bit lost. From what I can gather, PPD have a problem with "situational awareness". It is very different from psychotic hallucination. A PPD is unable to pick up cues that we take for granted. Is this person trust worthy? Is he laughing at me? Is that person walking away from me cause he does not like me? I would compare them to bats. As bats cannot see, they shriek and listen for an echo. The accusations and the verbal abuse are desperate attempts to find her directions. So I don't think there is much you need to do, just do not take the shouting personally, and love her as she must love you so much. Put your love in action, be gentle and patient. However, all this can be tiring for her and she may need a little help from the doctor now and then when she becomes exhausted.

[andrichik1162]

I am terribly frustrated and scared as I am sure my boyfriend has this disorder. I keep looking up personality disorders on line because I know something is just not right with him and paranoid personality disorder unfortunately is describing everything I am going through with him. I am in such a mess right now and don't know what to do. I have never experienced anything like this before with a relationship. It is not an easy relationship to get out of either. Hoping to find someone to talk to and explain in detail some experiences with advice from someone who can relate. It's a rollercoaster ride everyday and I don't know what mood or emotion I'm going to get. Or what I did wrong this time or what I'm being accused of now. It is so scary. Some days I'm scared to leave my apartment or talk on the phone or with people out in public because then "I am up to something " I wonder about him having bipolar too? I really don't know as I have never delt with someone with a mental disorder and I am sure I am safe to say that is what is going on here. He'll say he talks with people who have said things about me and what I have said or done but he can never tell me exactly who these "people" are and it is hard to believe also because he can be so antisocial and not even look at people. Not outgoing at all so it always floors me when he says people seek him out to tell him "things" about me and he finds me untrustworthy etc.

[Rapunzel]

Andrichik, does he have paranoid ideas about other people and topics too, or just about you? Whether or not he has this disorder, I'm worried about you being in a controlling relaitonship like that. Would he be willing to go to counseling? How about you? Individual counseling for either or both of you, and/or relationship counseling would probably be invaluable, whatever you two ultimately decide to do with your relationship.

You should not have to be scared to talk to people or go out in public. Isolationary tactics always concern me, regardless of what disorder may motivate them.

All the best to you!
Rap

[VoNPD]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rapunzel said:
You should not have to be scared to talk to people or go out in public. Isolationary tactics always concern me, regardless of what disorder may motivate them.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, the first tactic of a bully is to isolate his victim.