[tomato_cheeks]

Hello! It's great to have found this forum, I never thought I could talk to others and have someone who actually understands. And I'm sorry if this is a long post, but I really need to get it off my chest, as no one else around me understand or take me seriously.

I'm an OCD sufferer, and honestly, sometimes I wonder whether it's genetic or not, coz my grandfather had it. When I was little it wasn't so bad, but I remembered when I walked I couldn't touch the line (I don't do that anymore), I couldn't walk on sand with wet feet, etc, which I thought was only a child thing. But then now even as an adult, there were times when I accidentally stepped on a puddle with my left foot, I would actually walk back and step my right foot in it! And of course, that's not the only thing... say if my right hand touched something not so usual (say a fabric of some kind that feels a bit different), then my other hand has to touch it too. Then of course, comes the checking and re-checking... it takes me around 15-20 minutes to lock up the office (if I'm the last one there) due to all the checking and re-checking... luckily it takes only about 5-10 minutes to get out of the house (depending on how good my day is).

Apart from that, I have rituals I can't break, or if does get broken, I'd get annoyed, grouchy and grumpy... and of course, I'd have this feeling of anxiety that I haven't done things right. These rituals vary from even the simplest one to the most complex. On example is, if I'm going away, I would have about 3 A4 page list of things that I have to bring. That's 3 pages because it includes every single little things and also the amount of each object I'm taking. And when I pack, I tick them one by one, when I'm about to go back, I'd do the same, only that I have to unpack before I could pack them again. I have to say though, I'm pretty good at packing, because I cannot stand an empty space in my suitcase, I'm quite good at making things fit in it due to this.

The problem is, I feel that my partner who knew of my OCD, think that OCD is something that I could get over just by the power of will, and he thinks that I'm just not trying hard enough... and that really %#@&#! me off. There are times when he thinks of it as a sign that I don't trust him. And I truly hate it when my he says things like "Are you sure the door is locked?" when we're like a few minutes away from the house already, and he asked this as a joke, I know he meant it as a harmless joke, but this is like a trigger for me to go running back to the house and check my door! (after checking it too many times before I left). But of course he wouldn't let me. And there are times when I checked the windows/doors if they're locked even after he locked them, I know he locked them, but I just need to feel that they're locked... even that I still have to check a few times... and he said things like "You don't trust me". While at other times he would say "If it's your OCD you could just tell me" when I check things after he does.

At work they don't really know about my OCD, but questions like "Have you checked it?" from my boss triggered that urge to check again (after checking it a dozen of times!). However, I do have some other phobias that apparently connected to my OCD, and my workmates (unless the one who truly understands) make fun of it frequently, and that really frustrates me, because they have no idea how much it hurts me, not just my feelings, but also physically, because I have to take prescription drugs in order to get through it.

And I've also tried looking for support group but unfortunately there's none here for OCD. None of my friends suffer from it (unless they hide it), so I really don't have much support. None of them never truly understand how much of a big deal it is to have my routines broken, and they can't understand why a little thing (for them) like that could turn my mood upside down in an instant.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I feel lot lighter now

[VoNPD]

((((((((cheeks))))))


it is frustrating for both of you, I know. Have you considered CBT?
(Cognative Behavioral Therapy)

VoN

[tomato_cheeks]

Heya. Aaaw.. thanks for the hug... I have looked into it, not thoroughly, but it's certainly an option in the near future, once I make sure that I can afford to take part in the program without putting a strain in my partner's and my financials. I'm not sure if my health insurance can cover whole/part of it, as I don't think mental health was included in the policy

But yeah, it is very frustrating at home and at work, as I said earlier, at work they don't really know about my OCD, in their mind, OCD = excessive cleaning (which is definitely NOT me), I clean, yes, but my workspace isn't spotless and sterile, however, look at my computer folders, then anyone can see there's something definitely odd about me Only certain people know about my OCD but they thought it was a joke and so out comes the "Have you checked it?" many many many times and honestly it's really heartless to make fun out of something like that (of course, that is still nothing compared to the making fun of my phobias related to OCD). And when I come home, there are times when my partner couldn't deal with it, depending on how his day went (or that's how I feel anyway, I don't blame him though, it's tiring to deal with it when as a bystander, he doesn't know why can't I just stop it with a strong will... if only it's that simple).

[TiredOfThis2008]

Hey Cheeks and Welcome.....

I'm sorry about everything you have been going through. I don't suffer from OCD, but I do however, suffer from BPD.

I recently found this board and it is a great place to come and vent and get advice from others going through similar situations.

I'm sorry I can't offer you more insight on your situation, but just know that on here, we are all going through something or another and we are all here to help one another out!!

[RiverX]

If you keep searching, I'm sure you'll find a place where other ocd people gather and share. I have a friend who has had it severely, I have traces.
There are also some good books that he showed me, I didnt have time to read them but ... just to encourage you to keep searching for what you need.

good luck,

riverx