I don't understand

OK, so my husband, his father and brother go on a yearly trip to Florida...fishing, bonding but also in memory of his mother who loved to go and fish.

I know this. It's something that's happened for the last 8 years or so. I know he LOVES it. I'd move Heaven and earth for him to go down there worry free and have the time of his life that he so deserves. He works like a dog to support this family and be a rock. He's a good man.

He just came to me to search for cheap air fare for this year's trip in January. I was shocked. I didn't even think that he'd consider going this year...that I'd have to explain how difficult it would be for him to do or anything like that. Surely he KNOWS, right? He's been here. He knows the hell and trauma this family has gone through and it's not over yet. He HAS to know this, right?

So tonight while he's talking more of his plans (again without consulting me), I say to him, "I'm really shocked that you even considered going this year. I know you go every year, but I'm just shocked it's even a consideration." He immediately got ticked off (and we don't fight). He was very defensive and acted completely ignorant to the facts of life in this last year.

He was asking STUPID questions...things he already knew...completely minimizing what he's cried about in pain.

I am NOT going to act like everything's fine for him to run away in ignorant bliss. I'm not going to act like I can handle everything NO PROBLEM like superwoman so he can go away for a week. If he goes, he'll damn well know that I don't understand how he could...considering. It's not like he doesn't have the rest of the year to do it.

Things are NOT OK here. My daughter is ill. She's just starting into another what will be lengthy thyroditis due to postpartum hormones. She's already having the severe tachycardia again, back on beta blockers and beginning with the panic/anxiety and other emotional results of hyperthyroidism. This could last a year AND she's got a little baby!

That's not all...

The doctor has already asked her to get the thyroid and goiter out when she was doing good. He may push it now that she's proving to be entering into the postpartum thyroiditis...also, they're not able to stabablize her metabolism well and the goiter's continuing to grow. Surgery could be mandatory at any time really. She's not well and could get alot worse.

Now to make this all really interesting...

I have NO help with my little man and his care, except that which my husband gives me AND my oldest is due to deliver in less than a month!

Umm, yeah, call me whatever, but I think the trip could be put off for a bit!

Thanks for listening to this rant...

KD

Hi KD,

Yes, I agree with you that he should postpone his trip, and yes, I don't understand why he was unable to come to this conclusion on his own.

I've been freaking out a bit here, b/c my husband usually takes care of things with our four-footed family and other things around the house, so I can focus on teaching. This semester I bit off more than I could chew -- two "live" classes, instead of just one.

Anyway with human lives at stake, I AM right there with you.

With hugs, prayers and love,

EJ

(((((((((((((((( EJ )))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. You are a dear friend to me...being patient and kind with me, and ALWAYS supportive.

I appreciate you more than you know.

KD

I am behind you 100 percent.... you are amazing what you do to support your family.. and the trip shouldn't "be".. not this year..

I too do not understand what he is thinking.. or not thinking rather..



much love for all you do.. for all of us.. and for all of your family..

Does he feel he is a support to you or more like he's in your way? I could see my trying to sneak out on you; you do seem like superwoman sometimes, scary :-) I can't see continuing with the defensiveness and asking stupid questions though. The only question I would be asking is, "How can I help you, dear?"

I agree with you too but I do have to say men don't think of stuff like that. it isn't in them. not their nature. I hope he reconsiders though and stays to help you.

Hugs Kimmy -

I am sorry this is going on with your husband right now and that you are feelings left by him in your (and the families) time of need.... try talking to him again in another day or two - after he has had some time to maul the situation over.

I pray your husbands eyes will be opened to the fact that this action might be seem as selfish by you and others if the trip is still taken in January and not put off for a later time.

Geeze, you are in a hard situation. I am sorry your daughter is so ill and I will pray that she will be better soon. I am not siding with your hubby by any means, but for some people getting away is the only way for them to cope or to forget for a little while. Again, I say, I am not saying that his decision is right. Infact he probably got the ATTITUDE because he knew it was not the best decision. Maybe if you think about this it might make you cool down a little. Even if you still do not want him to go. Maybe if you approach him differently, you may find he will change his mind, or tell you why he really thinks the trip is so important to him, whether it should be or not.

((( KD )))

I'm sorry that things aren't going better for your family. It's been a while since we've talked so I didn't know a lot of this.

Ok, so this is how my husband would have processed these scenarios:

scenario A - if I expressed dismay in any form at his decision, he would have dug in his heels and gotten defensive, and canceling the trip wouldn't happen on principle

scenario B - If I managed to calmly appeal to needing him to support me at this difficult time, then he would cancel his trip without hesitation.

I've learned that with my husband, he gets defensive very easily and once he suspects that I disapprove of his actions or decisions, there is almost no turning back. But when I make it clear that I "know" how responsible and considerate he is, then he steps up to the role.

Now, I usually don't manage to react all that calmly, but when I do, he really seems to appreciate the opportunity to save face.

I hope that it works out for you and your daughters

I should add that in my husband's case, it's not that he is inconsiderate; he just doesn't always realize how his actions will impact others, but once pointed out to him (in the right format), he's very sensitive and supportive.

I do stupid things like that all the time...it's called acting on impulse before really thinking about the consequences.
He'll realize he's being stupid and shape up.
That's what husbands do.

It's a tough call because I can relate to your husband. Sometimes one person can take only so much and then they need to get away. I'm that way. It's not running, it's getting some down time or needing a distraction.

Ever read the book Exit the Rainmaker? That is a story about how I feel. I never did it physically but, I really would like to. Mentally I am gone at times. Sometimes I just can't take all the pressure of life.

Think about that and your husband.

Good on you Kim for expressing your reaction rather than stewing about it silence. That's so important to be able to put feelings on the table.

Consider this... men tend to want to fix things. When faced with problems they can't fix (your daughters illness) they look for something familiar. Something 'normal' to calm their anxiety. This trip is an annual event that he would 'normally' do. Since he can't do anything to fix the problems at home he looks for some sign that things will be okay.... that life will be 'normal' again. If he goes on the trip he can tell himself everything is okay.

I think a good point has already been made about communcating to him your need for him to be there to support you through this time. He needs to see how he can help 'fix' things by supporting you through these stressful days. Making sure he knows that there is an important role for him to play that he can't abandon may cause him to be more inclined to act accordingly. If you have carried the bulk of the load up till now and he's been sidelined to waiting then him wanting a distraction while he waits is pretty natural.

I continue to pray for your daughter and your family through these difficult times. May you all have the strength you need to carry the burden.

Blessings Kim.......

I would be completely overwhelmed! Is there any chance that you could say, "I'm so sorry, but I just don't think I can handle it if you take this trip this time. I know how much it means to you and I've always supported you in this, but this year, I just don't think I can handle things without you."

I hope it gets resolved quickly. Best wishes.

I like that, Doh... good answer!

(((((((((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))))))))) Thank you so much for the responses and concern. It's been rough. It's still rough, but feels rougher than it is because I'm running on empty after so long. I take time to "fuel up", and life takes me/us all for a spin again...draining the tank.

He's going, that much I know.

I'm in a no-win situation here. I could throw an absolute fit, or not even do that and just stand my ground or put my foot down and he wouldn't go. Let's look at that then...he doesn't go and he's miserable and I'm miserable. It's a no-win. I guess I'm angry at life right now. He SHOULD be able to go. I want him to! Life has been so hard though and it's still coming. Not his fault, not my fault, just is.

I guess that's why I said to him that I couldn't believe he even considered it. I guess that's what hurt...that he would and didn't approach his family to say that things are too much right now...asking for a few months. I'm hurt that he didn't consider without my saying...being put in a position.

The man deserves a year-long vacation, truly. I do too. He'll go and I'll make it.

If I'm being honest, I guess too that I'm resentful of the fact that he *can* go (rest and enjoy himself) and even if I had the opportunity, I wouldn't because I don't feel like I can. If I tried it, I would freak the entire time with everything going on. About a month ago me and hubby went away for two days and I should've stayed home. I was more anxious going because there's been so many health and other concerns here.

On a brighter note, my daughter is doing MUCH better today after only three days on the beta-blocker! YAYAYAY. One day at a time...

Love and thanks,

KD

Oh wow I just stumbled onto this thread. I'm so sorry things are so rough. I wish he could postpone too.....how long will he be going for?

I wish we could all fly over there and help you while he's gone. I would do it in a heartbeat if I could. (((((( Kimmy ))))))

(((((((((((((((((kd))))))))))))))))

You know I love and adore you. And I agree that he probably shouldn't go. I don't want to hurt your feelings by being devil's advocate, but...

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I didn't even think that he'd consider going this year...that I'd have to explain how difficult it would be for him to do or anything like that. Surely he KNOWS, right?

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In my experience (and I do this ALL the time), it's rarely a good idea to assume that even the most well-intentioned and loving people in our lives will be able to anticipate how we'll feel or be affected by something. Yes, even when it seems obvious. You are generally a rock of reliability, and your husband probably assumes you can handle just about anything (cause frankly, you can!). He may have felt that "surely you would KNOW" he would go on this trip, because he always does.

Sweetie, if someone said to me "how can you even consider doing (x y or z)," I would be defensive and pissed off, and want to do it even more. (Even if they're right) I would feel like they're telling me I did something wrong, or am careless, or even don't have a right to decide for myself what I want to do. Then the conversation would become about who WINS- me, by getting to go whether I should or shouldn't... or them, because they told me I can't. I know that probably sounds petty, but people who feel criticized get petty sometimes. I don't know how your husband generally responds to criticism.

If you want to work things out with your husband, it might be a good idea to suck up your pride for a second, and apologize for making assumptions about what he should/would feel or understand. Ask him (without challenging him) what he WAS feeling and thinking, and see if maybe he was thinking differently than you understood. From there, just tell him how hurt you feel and that you need him (again, without challenging or demanding that he meet that need). See what he does from there. Maybe he'll respond to your feelings once he knows that he's really been heard. But maybe he will still go, because that's how relationships are sometimes. (Sucks!) And you'll probably still be hurt. I can see why.

It also sounds to me like you really need something for you. Maybe going away isn't a good idea, because you'll stew over things. But maybe you could stay nearby and just have a spa day or something??

Best of luck to you. Sorry to hear things are so bad

((((((((((( angela ))))))))))))

You know me well, yes, and what I often times don't relate well. You know I'm a doer, a fixer, someone so skilled at separating to do what needs to be done (better than most) so ppl in my life don't see my struggling, my emotional flailing, my fear. You know me well.

You also seem to know how a partner may assume and respond to that...in oblivion due to my massive skills.

To update, your partially right in that he feels that I'm doing just fine and now that things have calmed, I'll skate. He doesn't know the panic, fear, uncontrolled anxiety I have for my family...especially my daughter and her little one.

He offered to stay home and I realized that that's all I needed to hear...for him to acknowledge that I might need him and, more importantly that he'd be here.

Of course, that being all I needed, I told him that I was overreacting and though it will be tough, it will be fine for a week.

I see now what had me hurt and angry...actually fearful, I guess...that he wasn't seeing my desperation and need. When he did, and reinforced that he cared and would do what I needed, it was fine.

I felt again, on my own, that I can (as you said) handle just about anything...especially if it's for a short time. I just needed to hear him acknowledge how horrible it's been and that he knows I'm struggling. He gave me that and it feels like the world is right again.

You're a good friend and I appreciate you.

KD

KD,
I just read this thread, and it is good that you are feeling better regarding your husband's trip. I'm sorry your daughter is having such a hard time.
I do think, however, that it is reasonable to postpone the trip to FL, and you were right to express your concerns!

When I was married and my dad was dying of colon cancer, at Thanksgiving, my husband took our daughter to his family's for the holiday, 6 hours away. I told him I needed to stay with my family because of my dad's condition, to which he replied, "Oh, he's not going to die..." But over Thanksgiving he did pass away, and I was alone with my dad trying to get him some help. It was horrific.
I was so resentful of his leaving, I didn't even call to tell him what had transpired, only telling him when he came home from his holiday. This was one of the few times he felt regret at his caustic behavior, but, unlike you and your husband, we didn't have a happy marriage.

Love
Patty