[TiredOfThis2008]

Hi everyone and thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this lengthy post!

I'm new to this board and am so glad I stumbled upon it. Within this past year I have been diagnosed with BPD, among other things. BPD however, seems to be the disorder I struggle with the most, on a daily basis.

I'm really looking for any input, opinions and advice that anyone can offer to help me get through this and better understand what I am going through.

The strongest issue of my BPD comes to my relationship with my BF.

I am in my mid twenties, he in his late twenties. I have been with him just a few months under a year. We don't live together and spend weekends together because we have conflicting work schedules during the week. We've had a good relationship thus far.

However, I am constantly plauged with the worrying and nagging fear that he is going to leave me and abandon me. My biggest fear in the world is abandonment and I fear he will do this to me. It's a non stop thought that runs through my head on a daily basis. The smallest thing will set me off.

With different work schedules, we can't sit and talk on the phone, so, we are big on communicating through text messages. In all the time we have been together we have never gone a day without talking to one another.

I am very big on things in my life being on a routine. I like to do the same thing every week and I like that routine and if anything gets thrown off track I don't know how to behave and the world seems to come to an end. The best example I can give of this comes with the text messaging.

If I don't receive a text from my BF by a certain point in the day my thinking starts to unravel. (Yes, this may sounds really ridiculous to some people, because to others it's not a big deal, but to me it is, lol) I start to get panicky and my mind starts racing as to why he hasn't sent me a message yet today. I then start going back and forth with myself wether I should send him a message instead. Well, if I decide to do this and don't hear back INSTANTLY or the response was short or not exactly what I want to hear....forget it.....you don't want to be within a ten mile radius of me. I become a mess. I start to think for the worst. He wants to break up with me, he has broken up with me and he just isn't going to tell me, he doesn't like me anymore, he is distancing himself from me, as long as it is negative, I am thinking it.

This recently got worse for me because for the past few weeks he has been on what I can a "routine" and had been texting me by a certain time every day. Well, this past week and a half he stopped doing that. He waits for me to text him or if I don't he sends me one later in the night. Well that is sent me into a mess because he broke my happy little routine and now I feel like something is wrong and like I am in limbo-which I just cannot have.

I over analyze any little thing he says to me that isn't what I want to hear. I am a mess the whole week I am away from him because I am constantly worrying when the ball is going to drop and he is going to kick me to the curb and abandon me. I am a wreck until I hear him say, oh friday night were hanging out and doing this and so on. Because until I hear him say that I feel like it is over and I should start preparing myself now.

Ugh, sorry that was so long. My thoughts are all jumbled together as usual and I just have so much held in that it feels good to let it all out. Any advice on how to deal with this I would really appreciate it, or anyone that is or has gone through this, I would love to talk to you.

Thanks again to anyone who took the time to read this!

I feel the same way with hubby, I get the same problems too, its very normal for BPD.

[MyBestKids2]

Hi TiredOfThis2008

Welcome to PC. I had the same problem with relationships (friends and intimate) 15 years ago. I found with regular individual therapy, and then DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) several years ago, I have been able to let go of some of the same issues you are having. Difficult? You betcha, but I am much more at peace with myself and everyone around me (almost everyone, LOL). There is also a site that may enable you to try some DBT skills out also, if you are interested.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html

Best of luck, and let us know how things are going

Dee

[TiredOfThis2008]

Thank you both for your responses.....I hate that anyone else has to go through what I go through on a daily basis but it is nice to know I am not alone because since being diagnosed I have felt nothing but alone and like a complete outcast, that no one understands or can relate too.

I am in therapy weekly and I defintly think that that does help some. I guess it's something that will take time that I am going to have to learn to live with in the meantime.

My BF doesn't know I suffer from this and I don't share it with many people except for my immediate family whom I am very close with.

Thanks again for your responses I will defintly look into the site you provided MyBestKids2!

And Tishie I love your dog!

[skeeweeaka]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MyBestKids2 said:
Hi TiredOfThis2008

Welcome to PC. I had the same problem with relationships (friends and intimate) 15 years ago. I found with regular individual therapy, and then DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) several years ago, I have been able to let go of some of the same issues you are having. Difficult? You betcha, but I am much more at peace with myself and everyone around me (almost everyone, LOL). There is also a site that may enable you to try some DBT skills out also, if you are interested.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html

Best of luck, and let us know how things are going

Dee

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wow....thanks Dee this is great information... I, too, experience the same behaviors and realize that my Bipolar has contributed to the breakdown of many of my relationships and the obsessiveness that I feel, as well as the uneasiness about them...always second guessing myself.

I hope this site can help me deal with some of these issues...

TJ

[x_BabyG_x]

((((tiredofthis))))

You know something, I was going to post near enough exactly the same thing, until I read ur post and realised that I didnt need to!

I am the same, the feelign is so powerful it sets panic attacks off in me, Im terrified he will leave me too, if fact he nearly did last night.

He's just had enough of me. He cant cope with my borderline. He told me he was almost at breaking point and that at the moment he could see no future with me. I got desperate..

I had to carefully sweet talk him into not giving up on me, as sly as that sounds.

I just knew I couldnt be on my own so I turned it around to make him see that he was the one who couldnt be without me instead if the other way around.

I know its hard, but if we really try, though it seems impossible, I think we can be strong enough to pull through this.

I had a look what mybestkids posted n went on the website n I think im gunna give dbt a real good try!

I hope you figure something out soon anyway hun, I know how distressing stuff like this can be

babyg xXx

[Rapunzel]

What would happen if you talked to your bf about how you feel about getting a text message. Maybe he would make a point to message you sooner in the day, or maybe he would be able to offer an explanation you can accept of why he sometimes doesn't. You don't have to say it's due to BPD - just talk about how you feel.

[TiredOfThis2008]

Thanks again for all your great responses. I really appreciate all of them.

It feels good to vent and hear what others have to say because lately I have just been so exhausted from constantly battling myself each and every day.

Rapunzel-i haven't really talked to him in depth about the text messaging. I am aware that this is my own personal battle and that he hasn't actually done anything wrong. He always texts me back if I text him, and even if I don't hear from him by the time I want to, I always hear from him at some point or another. So, I hate to harp on him when he hasn't actually done anything wrong. THe majority of it is all in my head, ya know? I just keep making up these situations myself.

BabyG-I'm sorry about everything that happened to you the other night...I'm so glad it worked out ok though. I haven't told my BF about my BPD. I try to keep it to myself when it comes to him because I don't feel like I am ready to tell him just yet until I have a better grasp on understanding it myself. So, he really doesn't even know about the daily battles I fight with myself regarding him. He doesn't know about the constant worrying and fear I have of him abandoning me, or no longer wanting me. I literally make a day out of waiting for a call or a text message. It's ridiculous and sad on my part but I just can't stop obsessing over it. All of it really does take a toll of you. I feel like I am physically and emotionally drained from constantly going back and forth with myself over this.

Thanks again everyone, I love being able to come on here and have other people to talk to about all this--you know, people that understand and can relate.

[mlpHolmes]

Dear ToT 2008,
Welcome To PC. I wanted to let you know their are several Live Chats throughout the week on exactly what you are asking about
that is, Borderline Personality Disorder, and managing Borderline Personality Disorder through the DBT skills.Hope to see you there!
Holmes

[TiredOfThis2008]

Thanks Holmes, that sounds like something I should defintly check out!